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ecbray My struggle with living with an unmedicated BP husband


Mar 17 2010

Happy Saint Patrick's Day! Today is the one day of the year that I proudly boast that I am 1/8 Irish.  I enjoyed a lovely meal of Pumpernickel bread, corned beef, cabbage and potatoes withmy sweet mother-in-law and I was excited that my darling nearly 10-month-old daughter got to eat all the same foods as me today.

 But back to why I'm really here...this morning started off as a nice morning with my husband.  He let me lie with him in bed and let me put my head on his shoulder.  Then he casually asked if he could use the car while I was at work instead me leaving him at home all day and I said 'sure,' and then I casually asked what he was going to use the car for.  He told me he was going to go to Staples to get some software called "Divorce Made E-Z" that he saw and laughed at a few years back.  Looking back it seems silly, but this upset me because in the back of my mind I think I've been convincing myself that he's really not serious about divorce.  So I got up, went into my room, and shut the door.  He comes barging in, telling me I need to get in the shower right now or I would be late for work (I had an hour before I even needed to start thinking about getting ready).  I was crying and I told him to go away.  He kept pushing me so I told him please just leave me alone, I'm allowed to be upset about this.  

He physically grabbed me, dragged me into the bathroom and screamed at me to get in the shower.  Now I, being bad at coming up with insulting things to say when I'm hurt and angry (a sometimes amusing trait that I inherited from my father), yelled at my (obviously male) husband  "Leave me alone you c*nt" And immediately thinking that it was a stupid insult because it wasn't even insulting.  But he looked at me with a flash of rage and pushed me back against the wall, drew his fist back to punch me, and thankfully stopped at the last moment and ripped my glasses off my face and slammed them into the wall.  I immediately started trembling, because all I could think about was how I was supposed to leave my daughter with this man for the rest of the day.

I told him he needed to go away.  He left the room and I quickly called his mother asking if the baby and I could spend a few days at her house.  She told me to just leave, she and I could go back for stuff later, so I grabbed the things I didn't want him to destroy in his rage and I started packing.

He found out I was leaving and he just went off the handle-throwing things that mean a lot to me--the giant crystal engagement ring he proudly proposed to me with--he bought it in high school in case he ever had to prove to his future wife how big his love was--he hurled it at our headboard today, breaking it in to several pieces.

He thought I was laughing at him (I was anything but laughing) and he pushed me back on the bed, wrapped a blanket around me and before he started choking me he started freaking out, asking himself what he was doing.  He got in the shower, started slamming his fists into his chest, and beating himself up.  I left and hadn't even made it a mile before he started the nonstop calls.  

I finally answered and basically let him know that I had done nothing to illicit his reaction.  I wasn't going to tolerate it and I wasn't going to come back until he had calmed down.  His main reason at that point for wanting me to come back was because he didn't want to be stuck at our apartment all day.  Obviously I had to call out of work, and I spent the rest of today at my mother-in-law's.

He wants me to come back home, but I just don't want to yet.  He still wants to get a divorce, which I am more seriously considering, but I really don't think he has tried to make it work at all.  Right now it seems as though he is going to be impossible to reason with.  I take my vows seriously and this isn't the kind of decision that I want to make at the drop of a hat.  I'm so confused.  I'm staying here for a few more days (MIL said that i can stay as long as i need to) , but I will have to head back home after a while .  Advice would really be great right now.

 He did end up admitting he was out of line and sincerely apologizing.  But I am still taking my time to think things over and just have some sense of calm.  I'm thankful he didn't hurt me or the baby, and that is my main concern right now. 

Previous diary posts by ecbray:
Comments (3)Add Comment
written by stolenheart, March 18, 2010
I'm afraid that this isn't just a bipolar disorder issue, but an issue of abuse. If he was out of control, why was he just throwing around YOUR things? Why was he only breaking YOUR things?

He is also using your emotions against you. You haven't been able to convince yourself that he's serious about the divorce, because maybe he isn't. Maybe he's using the fact that you don't want one to scare you into submission. The situation you described regarding lying in bed together and him getting the software is so contrary. Then, for him to call you nonstop. Why? Because he can't handle your rejection.

Before you go back, I would make it very clear to him that you will not tolerate abuse, and if he's going to use the BPD as an excuse, you will not believe it. There are people who have BPD and do not abuse. So, if he uses the BPD as an excuse, the answer then, is meds.

I also think you need to get in touch with a domestic violence shelter and/or hotline, and start making plans, in case he decides to stalk you. If you are leaving an abuser, you are extremely unsafe. It's generally the most unsafe place the victim can be. Even if you're not sure he's truly an abuser, it pays to be safe. When you call, do mention the BPD, but I really don't think it's going to make much difference. I think he might just decide to use the BPD as an excuse, if he thinks it will get you to come back.
written by stolenheart, March 18, 2010
Here's the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

The website is here:
written by ecbray, March 18, 2010
Need to clarify--he wasn't just throwing my things around. He was throwing his things, the baby's things, everything around. I just mentioned the engagement ring because it meant something to me. In general I feel like what he was throwing around was just stuff, I was more concerned with the behavior.

And he doesn't use BP as an excuse- he has only mentioned it twice and refuses to bring it up again. I have been in contact with the local domestic abuse shelter, and will probably be making my way there this week sometime.

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