|Jun 07 2011|
I haven't wrote in my diary for a while so I thought I would share some of my accomplishments. First off I have been leaving my house every single day and on top of that going to so many differentplaces and being gone for longer periods of time. Which is really big for me considering how last year it was hell just to go down the street or heck even walk in my back yard.
Another thing I could never eat at gatherings. I would just simply take a plate home and then be able to eat. I now can eat and feel normal about it and not have my heart race and feel like I was having a heart attack.
I can go all the way through the stores now even from one side of Walmart to the other. I can actually feel normal and enjoy myself. Before I would be in a constant state of anxiety and panic mostly my heart racing or feeling like I was just gonna die right there in the store. I get full carts of groceries and even wander off to different aisles by myself.
I can do housework again without feeling like my heart is gonna just stop from going so fast or feeling like I can't breathe. I enjoy cleaning again.
I can eat at home each meal without feeling my heart go fast and my stomach feeling like there is a torch in it. Wow what a relief that is. It was hell every day for me.
I can be fine when my husband leaves. I use to be in a constant state of panic any time he would leave. I feel normal now when he leaves.
I can feel normal and enjoy when people come to visit. Before I would again be a mess when people would just stop to visit, even family.
Back March 6, 2011 I hadn't been to my grandmas who lives 10 minutes way for 2 years. I went with no anxiety that day. She usually just comes to visit me because she knows it is hard for me. Oh how I love my grandma. But I hadn't been back there until today. I went there this morning and we stayed for over 2 hours. It felt so good to just sit there and relax and visit with my grandma. My husband and son were there too which that was the best part seeing my son so happy to be there. Every time I go there I think of all the great memories I had there as a child. Every Sunday my whole family went there and we ate and just spent so many memorable Sundays there. My aunts and uncle and cousins. When I was there I did miss seeing my grandpa there so that was the only hard part. Oh how I miss him.
So today was so great being able to once again go to my grandmas and not panic out.
I still don't go anywhere by myself but I know one day I will get there. I am just happy and I mean so happy that I am able to go where I go and feel the way I do even if I always have someone with me.
Thank you dear God for helping me come as far as I have. Without you I would not be this far. Not even close.
What I think led to my panic attacks and agoraphob...
Panic attack at 1:20 am
racing heart driving me nuts again
Somewhat a bad day.
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