One day at a time.

Ok so I have done so well for some time now and haven't had any really bad panic attacks or no anxiety hardly at all. I have felt energized and just in a really good mood until a few days ago. I have been really depressed at times and have had a lot of anxiety.  Today I have went into 2 panic attacks not really terrible ones but enough to scare me. 

I in a way know what is triggering them. I have just felt really sad inside and have wanted to just cry for the past few days and haven't been able to cry. Its really hard to explain but it just as I said like I have had all the feelings inside that you have when you are about to burst into tears but just haven't been able to ugggh what a terrible feeling. And then I keep getting these fear feelings like its all gonna come back on me and I am gonna start having the panic attacks like I used to and that terrifies me more than anything. I don't want to go back to that place that I once was, that place where I just wanted to die because I couldn't take the panic attacks every day all day. I keep getting that scared feeling inside me and I hate it.

Finally I went and layed down because my heart was going really fast and my stomach was burning and I just burst into tears and cried. Then I started thinking how I miss the people and animals that I have lost in the past 6 years and gosh I miss them all.  All my life even back when I was younger and a teenager I lost my other grandfather, aunt, and a cousin who killed himself. And then at my aunts funeral my other aunt and uncle both got killed in a car accident on the way to her funeral. She left behind a husband and 2 young girls. I loved them all and have always been really close to both sides of my family. Maybe when I think about stuff that has happened it brings on this panic who knows.

I will not give up though I just won't do that. I have gotten so much better and have gone so far that I can not let this take over me like it has before. Gosh it is hard though. It makes me feel hurt inside.. It was very hard to get where I am.  I want to keep getting better not worse off.