|Dec 05 2010|
What the hell! Thats all I can say in this moment. My fiance admitted he has a pill addiction and since he cant get what he needs from me, he is off to a family members house to do so. She enables him and it really, really pisses me off . We had already discussed rehab and how we would both have to quit everything, which I was willing to do despite the fact that I dont have a problem. I do that b/c I love him. So to have him try and go behind my back to fill his addiction makes me so mad I could scream. We are supposed to get married in less than 7 months and I'm finding more and more each day that really, it might not be such a good idea. Of course, how do you end a 6-year relationship? How do you start all over again? How do you seperate all the ties we have to each other? I dont know. I dont even begin to know. Its more stress on me than anything else, but I've lived alone before and that didnt go so great either. Its obvious that I have to make some sort of choice, but how, and what?
On other, depressing notes, I attended a bacherlorette party today. It was more like a brunch thing and while I thought it was a great idea, I had a lot of trouble talking to all the people there I didnt know. I was on edge the whole time and walked away feeling like a fat, horrible failure. I dont know where my self-esteem and confidence went, but its freaking gone. I hate to leave my house and find myself isolating more and more everyday. Why? Why have I changed so much and why do I feel so worthless? I'm tired, just so damned tired. I want to run where no one knows my name and start over, but where and how would I get the courage to do that?
I am ending this entry, but if something doesnt change soon, I seriously may not make it .
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