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Daisy83 I deal with the ups and downs of bipolar on a daily basis, sometimes even hourly or by the minute. Some days I just need to say what I need to say. It may not always be positive, but its the truth.


Ugh

Dec 05 2010

What the hell! Thats all I can say in this moment. My fiance admitted he has a pill addiction and since he cant get what he needs from me, he is off to a family members house to do so. She enables him and it really, really pisses me off . We had already discussed rehab and how we would both have to quit everything, which I was willing to do despite the fact that I dont have a problem. I do that b/c I love him. So to have him try and go behind my back to fill his addiction makes me so mad I could scream. We are supposed to get married in less than 7 months and I'm finding more and more each day that really, it might not be such a good idea. Of course, how do you end a 6-year relationship? How do you start all over again? How do you seperate all the ties we have to each other? I dont know. I dont even begin to know. Its more stress on me than anything else, but I've lived alone before and that didnt go so great either. Its obvious that I have to make some sort of choice, but how, and what?

 On other, depressing notes, I attended a bacherlorette party today. It was more like a brunch thing and while I thought it was a great idea, I had a lot of trouble talking to all the people there I didnt know. I was on edge the whole time and walked away feeling like a fat, horrible failure. I dont know where my self-esteem and confidence went, but its freaking gone. I hate to leave my house and find myself isolating more and more everyday. Why? Why have I changed so much and why do I feel so worthless? I'm tired, just so damned tired. I want to run where no one knows my name and start over, but where and how would I get the courage to do that?

I am ending this entry, but if something doesnt change soon, I seriously may not make it .

 

-W



Previous diary posts by Daisy83:
Comments (3)Add Comment
written by Heather1177, December 05, 2010
I feel you girl. I used to be so vibrant. I may have been wild and crazy, but at least I had some confidence and could go out and have a good time once in a while. That has been gone for a long time and I'm wondering what it will take to get it back.

As far as your relationship goes, it's hard to be with someone when you are on different paths... which it sounds like you are. You want the drugs out of your life, he obviously isn't ready yet.

Running to where noone knows your name doesn't work, because your problems follow you. Wherever you go there you are. Here's a hug to you because I hate to see other people hurting. I hope things get better for you.
written by heslopvan, December 05, 2010
Daisy, I am Bipolar 1 am I have ups and downs too. I would put a boundary on him like no sex, he has to find help( it's not your fault for him). He can easily break it when he wants to. You need to stay on your meds. Believe me- I will tell you some awful stories of going off meds. Stay with him, you love him, just be hard on him. My wife stopped me cold and said get to the hospital or else. I went. I am stable for 2 years, well now I am a mess( cycling) like crazy. Hopes and prayers for you, Van
written by anamore, December 07, 2010
I understand what you mean by hiding away, by not wanting to deal w/ people or life, I live for years locked away in my bedroom because I was so scared of life. I felt worthless. But w/ therapy I slowly began to live again, I still have days that I like to hide away. You have to work on your self esteem, to see yourself the way others see you, not the way you see yourself, Try to believe in yourself, there are books that help, they have exercises to do that help you w/ your self confidence and to believe in yourself, Because I bet the people around you don't see you as bad as you see yourself. Did you ever try therapt.
As for your fiance, don't commit if he is having a drug problem, that doesn't mean you have to leave him. if you love him, try to help him, tell him its you or the drugs. You will be there for him, he doesn't have to go somewhere else. Tell him you love him and will support him. by doing it you will also be helping yourself. I don't know why but when you are there for someone and help them, it makes you feel better about yourself, you begin to feel more positive. So take it day by day, you can postpone the wedding, Get your life and his life going in the right direction before you get married. If you love each other, help each other, it will make your love and your relationship stronger

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