OCD Forever

My Dad's cancer is progressing faster and faster. He's finally admitting to being in pain. We talked on Monday morning and he told me that he would not be able to go to The Highground this coming Saturday. He was also sick to his stomach.

I was feeling lost because I really wanted my Dad to be there when his Legacy Stone was placed. You don't have to be deceased to have a stone placed. I wanted so much for him to be there but I knew he wouldn't be able to make the trip. I want my Dad to live forever but I also want him to be released from his pain. I had spent most of this past weekend crying because I know the time is coming and even though I've said I'm ready it's still so hard.

Monday night around 2 a.m., he told his girlfriend to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital. He had taken an oxycontin and it had no effect. The ambulance took him to the nearest hospital (a small community hospital) and there were no empty beds so the ambulance had to take him to the city. At the hospital, they started him on morphine shots and then yesterday morning on long-lasting morphine pills. He said that this is the worst pain that he's ever had in his life. For my Dad to even admit pain is rare. He has decided on a do not resuscitate for which he is wearing a band permanently. He has also agreed to hospice care at home. I am so glad that my Dad has a step family. He married my stepmother after he divorced my mom. Mom and Dad were married for 25 years and he was married to my stepmom for thirty years until she passed away. My stepmom's children were teens and young adults when Dad and her married. My stepmom's children and especially their children and grandchildren treat my Dad as if he were their Dad. One of the granchildren had written a note for his mom to bring to the hospital for my Dad. He is only in pre-K but with help he wrote Grandpa is awesome. Grandpa is cool. I called my youngest brother and told him that Dad was in the hospital and asked him to call the rest of my brothers and sisters. It would be so nice if my Dad's own grandchildren would treat him the same way. My daughter's and my grandkids do but he's got other grandchildren and even great grandchildren who have never even seen him.

Dad has a tumor on his spine that they just found now and they think that is what is making his pain worse. When I scratched his back this morning I could feel it. It feels like the size of an avocado.

My husband is so very supportive and so is my youngest daughter. She lives in Chicago and is worried about me and said that she would drop everything and come up if I need her. I told her that I would be okay but will I. I sometimes feel all alone in this because my younger brothers and sisters are not there for my dad or for me.

Fortunately, my oldest stepsister and I had a chance to talk at the hospital and we are going to work together on a rememberance photo array for the funeral. I need to be ready for this ahead of time because I know I'll be a basket case when it happens.

When my Dad got released from the hospital this morning, my husband and I drove him home. We could only stay for a few minutes because we needed to meet my husband's brother. We came back later. My dad and his girlfriend live together and one of her daughter's was there. I just lost it because she was trying to tell her mom all about how my dad should take his pills. I had already started to tell her mom all the instructions that I had been given by the nurse and her daughter again interrupted. I lost it, I didn't swear but I sure as hell raised my voice and probably did tell her to shut up because she kept going. Finally, she stormed out of the house.  I don't like to get angry. I hate it and it makes me so upset that I feel hurt myself. I had tears running down my face most of the way home.

All I can do is pray for my Dad to be released from his pain.