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dugg not so much a diary as a drawer where i can keep words i've written or found about the good, the bad and the "what the hell?" of bipolar living....
dugg diary feed

what's bipolar for "happy"?

Feb 24 2012
what is bipolar for "happy"?

these days the clinical for a brain like this is 'bipolar'. in the old days,
we used to be called 'manic-depressive' which is stillpretty accurate...
from what i've read - and lived -  more time is spent in a depressed state

than a manic one and it's while one is on the dark side that one is less
functional , more likely to harm ones' self and probably be unpleasant to
be around.

to some degree then it makes sense that so much time is spent discussing
and treating that side of our existence...

on the manic side, it seems the emphasis is very much on the negative possibilities and the need to eliminate mania. like most BP people, i've had manic experiences where my decisions were perhaps not the wisest and i'm not interested in, or advocating for some kind of manic license...

but sometimes it seems like the 'fear of manic' leads to a situation where
any kind of feeling better something to get worried about... that is, it
could be a sign of incipient mania!

lions and tigers and bears!!!

if one is taking one's meds and other steps (diet, exercise, therapy, etc) to
keep from going the all the way into the dark side and one is not to go
getting all manic, then how is one supposed to feel?

what's the goal? what is the 'ideal state' or even the ideal range of feeling and thinking and being?

the bipolar experience is one of extremes. being diagnosed alerts one to the possibilities and dangers that come with, and everything else from meds to self-education is meant to help one get a handle on those possibilities and help keep one from going too far down the road to either extreme...

but again, what's the goal? what is the 'ideal state' or even the ideal range of feeling and thinking and being? is it to be 'normal'?

i'm not 'normal' and i don't want to be... and if any of the meds or other treatments are aimed at making me 'normal' then they're probably not going to work very well or for very long.

i don't want to spend any more time than i have to on the dark side, but i also don't want to any and all moments of feeling energized, creative and capable to be tainted by this 'fear of mania'...

this is going to take some more thinking.


Previous diary posts by dugg:
Comments (2)Add Comment
written by tracyes, March 01, 2012
I understand where you're coming from. For me, most of my "bipolar experiences" are in a depressed state, although I have had 4-6 month spans of mania at a time in the past. I recently went through a 2 year span of a deep depressive episode and have now been "stable" for 4 months. The feelings of "good mood" and "happiness" are new to me and I again have that "fear of mania". For me... it starts with being in a good mood which takes over my thoughts and my mind, which leads to no sleep, which quickly..within 24 hours...leads to me being out of control and manic. So..when I start to feel happy and in a good mood, I almost experience a sense of dread along with it. If I could keep the sleep patterns in tact, it would prevent me from going manic, but I haven't found a way to do that once the "giddyness" sets in. I know that's not much help... just food for thought...
written by dugg, March 02, 2012
absolutely food for thought... one of the most fascinating things about bp to me is how highly individualized each person's experience is and where there are commonalities.
4-6 months of mania? wow. amazing. it seems you have a pretty good handle on your moods and cycles, though- thanks for reading and the food for thought...

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