No Holds Barred

It is late. I am awake. My feet hurt very much. Very much. I will take another pain med and know it will add further to the pred causing insomnia.

I took a sleeping pill Sun night and slept well. However, because of fatty meal I ate for supper, sleeping med would not work so I forgo taking it.

Pred also makes me have hot flashes. I have sweated sooo much that no matter how many baths I have taken I smell like perspiration.  I gag myself.

I am tired but all wound up. I have to be at the dermatologist at 10am and then have a dental cleaning at 3pm. I wonder if I will make them.

I will.

No telling when I will go to sleep. But I tell you something, I bet Tue night I will take a sleeping med  around 8pm.  After today I have 6 days of pred to go. Part of me is so happy dose will end while the other part is scared the pain will increase.  I have pain meds and they usually help. However, sometimes they don't touch the pain...no easement. Sometimes all I can do is wait. Just wait.

How I hate the fatigue and sickness I feel at times.  If only, there was a med to control that.

There is, it is...RA meds. You know the kind that control the progression and hopefully put you in remission. Well, I can't take them. I am on hold...indefinitly.  Where the hell does that leave me?

Does it leave me without hope? Without the will to keep going?

Sometimes.

Still, there is something so powerful in me it will not let me give up. It pushes me...hard at times... softer at others. It whispers in my heart, "One more step, another, another...

" It screams at me, "GET UP!"

I recongnize the thing that keeps me going is not an it. He is a who.

His name is Jesus. He never leaves me nor forsakes me. He will never put more on me than I can bear. He is with me in the valleys as well as the highest mountains. He loves me so much.

I feel Him help me. I feel Him lift me. I feel His love. 

 I feel Him when I laugh, when I cry, when I rejoice, when I am face down wallowing in the mud. I feel Him when I am happy, when I am sad, when I win, and when I lose.  I feel him when I am angry and when I am at peace. I feel him when I am lost and when I am found.

 I feel Him.  And when I can't...no matter...

He feels me.

I started this diary entry with hopelessness, I finished with hope.

Thank you Lord....I feel you