Random thoughts

Well, I'm up way too early and can't fall back to sleep, so its a good time to update my diary.  Tonight I start my first dose cut of my ativan.  I'm scared but excited at the same time. All the what ifs are running through my mind.  What if I panic, what if I can't sleep, what if, what if....But maybe I'll be just fine.  I have to try harder to tell myself I might be just fine.

I wonder alot, why did this happen to me?  Why am I so good at helping others but not myself?  I took care of my mom for 7 years and always made her not afraid of what her future held for her.  She died in my arms of ovarian cancer, but she was not afraid.  She was my hero.  Oh how I miss her.  I was so lost after she died.  Then 6 months later, my father-in-law was diagnosed with mesothelioma, ugly, painful disease.  I took care of him with lots of love for a short 2 months.  He died holding my hand.  One year later, my husband was diagnosed with CML, leukemia.  He fought and is in remission now for over 2 years.  I"ve been by his side, helping him understand his disease. 

As for myself, I just struggle and try to learn more and more about panic disorder and panic attacks by myself.  But then again I never ask for help.  I just keep trying.  It has only been within the last few months that I have let others know what I have.  Some of my friends don't know at all.  Why do I keep myself a secret?  I guess because I don't want them to think I'm "crazy".    Well, I'm not crazy, I just have this disorder.  I can be totally fine for a long time, then.....boom! 

Today, I am fine and my plan is to stay fine until the boom! happens again.  I know it will but until then I'll be fine and continue on....day by day...minute by minute.