Nick's Diary & Dream Log

So 3 days ago i called the cops on myself because i was having pretty bad suicidal and violent thoughts,...like on a way different level then normal so it scared me pretty bad and i called them andthey took me to the same hospital i went to about 2 years ago after my suicide attempt and i was released within 24 hours this time which is kinda shocking to me still because of the nature of what i told them,...i didn't think id be released for a while

I think the main psychiatrist there is insane or just doesn't give a shit about the people there because there is no way in hell that i should have been released so quickly, hes the same doctor i spoke to the last time i was there to...I spoke to like 7 different doctors and nurses and told them so much and they all agreed i was a danger to myself and others and told me id probably be staying there for a while this time... but this idiot doctor felt i was fine to go home which i wasn't in any way and i even told him i didn't feel ready and he just kept telling me what i was feeling was a result of me losing all my money playing poker and that i am just underestimating what losing so much can do to a person but i told him ive went broke so many times in the past and it didn't do this to me and that it wasnt the main problem here but he just kept insisting that it was the problem and that i will be fine.... and it pisses me off still. I almost feel obligated to do something about it, like report him or something but i mean who is gonna listen to me and who would do anything either so whats the point...it just makes me angry that this guy will continue to see so many sick people and not do anything for them, that's a real shame.

 Since i left, all those extreme thoughts haven't really been appearing in me and ive been somewhat calm, but i am nevertheless much more depressed then before i went there because of what i experienced there and what little self confidence and hope i had inside of me is pretty much gone now so that is obviously very bad and i wont get into all that. 

 I mean i didn't expect to be helped at all when i went there,...i believe the problems i have are incurable,...i just wanted to get away from this house for a while and interact with people in real life which is something i never get to do and also i love being there and the food is awesome.... Anyway i did interact with people but it backfired on me and showed me just how little personality i have and how bad i am around people in real life and how uncomfortable i am in my own skin and how others are uncomfortable around me and dont want anything to do with me,...and it just really sucks knowing thats how its gonna be for the rest of my life. i hate myself

Ya,...i am disappointed because i was hoping to make friends there and kinda have somewhat of a nice normal social experience but the only thing that happened is i learned more about how truly bad i am around people and how i have no future when it comes to relationships of any kind in real life. 

 I just hope things dont get to bad with me mentally because of all of this...i hope i can just kinda deal with it but to be honest i dont really know how i will feel about all of this in the weeks and months to come,..but ya this sucks...i def didn't think id be worse off after my visit but i am,...and it sucks knowing there is nothing i can do about my problems and no help i can receive