Why wear a ribbon?

"I wear this ribbon in support of those who have dual diagnoses. I myself am dual..." (agrice86)

MDJunction to me

"What MD Junction means to me is a place where i can feel like im not alone. As someone with something as rare as hydrocephalus, it feels like im the only one in the world with it. When i came to MD, its like everyone has it. It doesnt feel like im alone. And that people need to hold up a sign to say what i have, because people know. And they understand. I can get questions answered from people who have been through it rather than from doctors or people who only can tell you from a physical standpoint. THat is what MD junction means to me." (tomboykimi)

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Nick's Diary & Dream Log

I don't really write in this diary i have here much but I'm gonna start doing it more to let you all kinda know what's going on with me and i don't hold to much back that i feel is relevant so it may be kinda uncomfortable to some.

Another Horrible Day

Mar 16 2011

i don't know why but lately i have been having very sick crazy fits of rage that last for hours, i had 2 of these attacks in the last 5 days,...i began cutting the last time it happened a coupledays ago, something that i havent done in over a year and a half and did it again today. I don't know exactly what is triggering it in particular because nothing bad or traumatic has happened lately,...i am just pure angry as of late and i cannot stop it.

I mean i know whats at the root cause of all my problems and that is my lack of a social life and being stuck in the house all day but i dont know why the depression and anger has escalated into such a crazy level as of late. i am just like someone straight out of hell when im like this and it is very scary and disturbing,...not something anyone would want to see.

I just got back from a walk to McDonalds and back and i am a bit calm right now but that weird depression is still inside me,...its just the anger that has passed for now but i know it will strike again and that scares me because feeling like that is the worst feeling possible and the lame part is there is nothing i can do about it, so i just have to sit and wait till it randomly happens to me again.

I even broke an old toy of mine, and some dishes in my room and stabbed my closet door full of holes,...thats how bad it gets where i cant help but do something physical like that to let some of the stress out.

anyway i am happy to be calm right now but it is really bothering me knowing that this will happen again and will probably get even worse and thats a nightmare,...i mean nothing helps, meds dont help, positive thinking doesnt help, its totally out of control and the rage that can build up inside me is like an enigma to me or like alien,....i dont know why it gets so bad and its like im almost possessed by a demon or something even tho i dont believe in that bullshit, but thats what i feel like when this happens to me,...i certainly dont feel human at all and am not my true self

and one more thing i wanna add,...to the people that say to me im praying for you or that god is good and all that bullshit,...well fuck that because i know the truth and it makes my blood boil when i hear people going around praising god and pretending to know somehow that he is real and that he is great,...There is no god and if there happens to be he certainly isn't great, i hate the idea of god with everything in me and forever will. When you are going threw something like me,..something so insane as what happend to me earlier today then you know in your heart that there is no go and u begin to understand the human brain more and mental illness and all that stuff. ok whatever,..i dont even know exactly what i wanna say here so ill end it at that. fuck god,...ur praying does nothing for me or for anyone else and its all a bunch of bullshit and so is the idea of god

sick life ive got,...and it scares the hell outta me to think of what tomorrow or the next day will bring.

Previous diary posts by ILoveTheRain:

Angry and Annoyed
The Shark Dreams
Another wasted meaningless day
My Lack of Charisma
Good day so far/Bad dream

Feeling Weird
Kinda Disapointed/Depressed
Im In Hell
There is no God

Comments (14) Add Comment

written by ILoveTheRain, March 16, 2011

lol meditation,...if i could sit still for a minute without some sort of weird thought poping into my head maybe that would do something

and fuck ur prayers

written by KittenMittens, March 16, 2011

I am curious. You said that you know what the root cause is, Is it safe to assume that you are carrying some burden and don't know how to let it go? Have you told anyone that you trust? Do you have anyone that you trust?

Just a thought.

Cheryl

written by ILoveTheRain, March 16, 2011

root cause is my own mental issues which there is no cure for,...and i have told people it before,..or atleast tried to describe it and nobody understands. ya sucks

written by KittenMittens, March 16, 2011

I wonder why people say that there is no cure, like we are defective? It's society that labels and we are not a label. Recently, I have been coping in negative ways. I realize that it's not productive but sometimes I get so frustrated and overwhelmed. That's why I come here, because people here do get it. I don't have to explain myself, just ask for a listening ear.

Cheryl

written by delphinium28, March 16, 2011

Sorry you are having to go through this. My view is, it's chemistry. We all have burdens we need to let go, even those in the population that don't suffer from mental illness. It is painful and terribly bad, but you're not. It is easy to feel guilty for such things, but the truth is you don't have a terrible amount of control over them. Have you let your doctor know what's going on?

written by ILoveTheRain, March 16, 2011

i don't feel guilty about anything ever,... and i dont see a doctor and when i did he didn't understand shit and just prescribed me meds that didn't work

written by Dit, March 16, 2011

You may not want this Hug but if you do not want it i can give it to you thru my energy to yours ((((Hugs)))), my heart goes out to you and im glad to see you writing here wishing you a safe day tomorow and always, your friend Lorry

written by KittenMittens, March 17, 2011

Nick, I disagree with your statement that "you don't feel guilty about anything ever". Your statements are filled with remorse otherwise, why post it? If you felt nothing when you broke your childhood toy (obviously it meant something to you if you kept it for that long) and stabbed your closet. When you look at the closet day in and day out, you will remember how out of control you became. My question is why?

written by ILoveTheRain, March 17, 2011

i feel remorse but not guilt,...as in i feel bad for doing those things for sure but i dont blame myself since i was like insane at the time. thats what i meant when saying that,...i dont feel guilty or 100x responsible for anything that i do cause i don't believe in true free will

written by KittenMittens, March 17, 2011

I would hope that your family is a help to you. Do you have any support?

written by ILoveTheRain, March 17, 2011

nope, i mean they love me and are nice but they dont understand anything about me and at the same time im very uncomfortable around them

written by KittenMittens, March 20, 2011

What do you need to feel supported? Either from family and friends or here on MDJ.

written by ILoveTheRain, March 20, 2011

well what i need is understanding but that's impossible so support isn't something im looking for from anyone really

written by KittenMittens, March 20, 2011

Fair enough