|Mar 16 2011|
i don't know why but lately i have been having very sick crazy fits of rage that last for hours, i had 2 of these attacks in the last 5 days,...i began cutting the last time it happened a coupledays ago, something that i havent done in over a year and a half and did it again today. I don't know exactly what is triggering it in particular because nothing bad or traumatic has happened lately,...i am just pure angry as of late and i cannot stop it.
I mean i know whats at the root cause of all my problems and that is my lack of a social life and being stuck in the house all day but i dont know why the depression and anger has escalated into such a crazy level as of late. i am just like someone straight out of hell when im like this and it is very scary and disturbing,...not something anyone would want to see.
I just got back from a walk to McDonalds and back and i am a bit calm right now but that weird depression is still inside me,...its just the anger that has passed for now but i know it will strike again and that scares me because feeling like that is the worst feeling possible and the lame part is there is nothing i can do about it, so i just have to sit and wait till it randomly happens to me again.
I even broke an old toy of mine, and some dishes in my room and stabbed my closet door full of holes,...thats how bad it gets where i cant help but do something physical like that to let some of the stress out.
anyway i am happy to be calm right now but it is really bothering me knowing that this will happen again and will probably get even worse and thats a nightmare,...i mean nothing helps, meds dont help, positive thinking doesnt help, its totally out of control and the rage that can build up inside me is like an enigma to me or like alien,....i dont know why it gets so bad and its like im almost possessed by a demon or something even tho i dont believe in that bullshit, but thats what i feel like when this happens to me,...i certainly dont feel human at all and am not my true self
and one more thing i wanna add,...to the people that say to me im praying for you or that god is good and all that bullshit,...well fuck that because i know the truth and it makes my blood boil when i hear people going around praising god and pretending to know somehow that he is real and that he is great,...There is no god and if there happens to be he certainly isn't great, i hate the idea of god with everything in me and forever will. When you are going threw something like me,..something so insane as what happend to me earlier today then you know in your heart that there is no go and u begin to understand the human brain more and mental illness and all that stuff. ok whatever,..i dont even know exactly what i wanna say here so ill end it at that. fuck god,...ur praying does nothing for me or for anyone else and its all a bunch of bullshit and so is the idea of god
sick life ive got,...and it scares the hell outta me to think of what tomorrow or the next day will bring.
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