Nick's Diary & Dream Log

Everyday i have to witness my grandparents suffering in the worst most embarrassing to the human spirit ways,...without going into detail, Its a nightmare here and i can't help but see just how horrible and worthless/meaningless life in general is when im here. 

 

They both have extremely sick hard lives since birth, both being poor starving russians working hard every

I was about to go violently insane in this nuthouse i live in so i had to check myself into a motel,....first i got beer tho, then attempted to get drunk only i had no stimulation whatsoever, there was nothing to do there but watch tv and i wasnt interested in any of it,.....i spent the most part just laying there, then when i dozed off i woke up with a terrible hangoveer and what sucks is i di

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck  this is so ridiculous and messed up on so many levels,  Everytime my mom gets drunk it sends me into a violent rage and i am at risk for attacking her and my grandpa (ya i know that sounds crazy) but i have no control over it,....there is no dealing with her crazyness and him being a pussy never doing anything about it,....hes the reason she tur

I am so fed up with how this piece of shit life works and how it really is. its beyond words how much i hate life   

 

 

So today i had to go out and buy food/things for my grandparents and since i dont have a car i had to take the bus, and it was freezing/raining all day and  i was stuck being tortured walking everywhere consumed by the thoughts that

2 days ago i decided to sorta torutue myself and hAVE A BIT of a pain tolerance test so i took a shower on the coldest setting that i could get it,....i have a very low pain tolerance so something like this is extreme for me, and it made me breathe crazy heavy for about 30 seconds in and then i got to used to it...bit it was definitely torture

  

 

 

im talking about the taste of vodka.....no matter how much i get drunk off it, the taste never becomes any less easy to handle and im so sick of it......i see people chugging vodka all the time in vidsand stuff and wonder how are they so different than me,,.....i already know im gonna be in hell the time after i get drunk, but i wish at;east it would be enjoyable while its happening which it is no

for being blocked the most on facebook...everytime i see that i have been blocked by someone after some of my crazyass chat then it makes me feel something special...its weird, not that i enjoy beinga ass to people...but it happens everytime i get drunk and i find it interesting how drinking brings out the absolute best and worst in me and how no person can tollerate it for long despite like 90

Is having to go to the supermarket everyday to get grocery's when im on a bodybuilding diet. Im sure this is torture for everyone on a diet so im not alone here but for me it gets borderline unbearablebecause i look at so many things i pass and just fantasize about it and am miserable it sucks.  I am not even on a weight loss diet like most people, rather a muscle gaining diet where i

Various types of endless torture and what if, that was my reallity,....like for example im drinking vodka now and it makes me sick, the taste/sent  of it,....like its the absolute worst thing i could ever imagine to try and consume,......and i think about what if i was forced endlessly to chug it,....like without break, for years. There are no bounds for the hell that my mind can come up w

I don't understand why i have such sick dreams all the time,....i often wonder how they come about but ultimatly i know is my sick mind behind it all and the exact reasons dont matter as much whenyou realize this

 

 anyway..i had a dream where i was an inmate put to death by lethal injection, only there was a mess up and i was rendered uncontrollable of my body while

The number one cause of my depression and episodes is when my mother gets drunk...and often times this results in huge fights and the cops are called and i tell them how it makes me suicidal to livehere and be around her and they never listen, they just into account what happens ad move on pretty much and this has been going on for years. Yesterday there was a fight here and i cut myself as a r

Ive been watching a documentary about schizophrenia and it featured various people with it and its quite disturbing,...reminds me alot of my own even tho i dont exhibit what was shown in the video. But the general image of it all really just pounds in what i constantly feel about life, like  my views on life and how we got here and evolution and all that,....and the reality of mental illne

  I was bored so i randomly decided to make a little rhyming short poem about how i view my schizophrenia and kinda what it is to me ,....A no happy ending nightmare  beyond comprehension...it always had this image to me of a devil that is not understandable or treatable, even i don't understand it when w/e it is is taking over my thoughts. But, whatever it is, i am convinced is t

Basically whats happening is for whatever reason im having  some sort of strong scary schizophrenic episode,...it started like 5 hours ago and is still happening, im afraid to go to sleep.

 

The worst part was right after i took my meds, i went to lay down,...and shortly after is when the scariest thing of my life happend,...its hard to explain, Just, i began having irrat

The guys that make  Pizza Lunchables are getting away with murder lol,...i know based on experience of eating hundreds and hundreds of them how much cheese they are supposed to put in the box to create an equal balance for all 3 pizza pieces and time and time  again i keep getting packs with cheese for 1 piece only or 1 and a half,...and today i got a box with hella thin pizza slices,

firstly i am so sick of this retarded problem of mine where i am always opening my eyes when i am trying to sleep because i have this paranoia of being blind, randomly waking up blind is like my worstfear ever just about and i will always just open my eyes to make sure i can still see lol. This started like 4 months ago and isnt going away, and like it causes me tremendous stress and discomfort

i don't know why but lately i have been having very sick crazy fits of rage that last for hours, i had 2 of these attacks in the last 5 days,...i began cutting the last time it happened a coupledays ago, something that i havent done in over a year and a half and did it again today. I don't know exactly what is triggering it in  particular because nothing bad or traumatic has happen

I had a day of writing letters to prison women planned today, was actually going to do it yesterday but i had 0 energy and went to sleep early which is very rare for me so i told myself i was gonnado it for sure today but now i am uncontrollably furious for some reason and i don't know why i just woke up this way 

 

So now i can't write shit because if i try it wil

For some reason i have had the same reoccurring  dream all my life

  

Had it last night,... and its where i am always alone at the center of this Olympic sized highscoolswimming pool that's about 13 feet deep and very dark and im under water a bit, enough to see this gigantic great white shark at the corner of the pool and i swim as fast as i can to get out and i

i havent done anything fun in like 5 years,...ive been living online everyday for 5 fucking years and its drove me insane to be honest 

 

i can't believe im in this retardedcrazy disturbing situation in life,...i just  spend my entire day online doing stupid ass shit wasting away. 

 

i just cannot stand being in this room or in this house any

So i went to the gas station today and saw a very beautiful girl working there and i had it in my mind to wait till everyone left then "make a move" and then finally i got alone with her and was so confident beforehand but when i finally went up to her i changed 100x into a different person and was so damn  creepy,...i started talking about the bad lighting then when i saw that i

Compared to yesterday i am having a pretty good day,...yesterday i was pretty much in hell experiencing a very weird type of depression that i never felt before but i feel normal today

 

However last night when i was sleeping i had a very disturbing dream involving this girl that i "love" ive been pretty much obsessed with her for like 2 years now and even tried to k

damn,...all day i have been feelin very weird even for my normal standard,...i just am depressed and dont feel like doing anything 

 

normally i am into listening to music andtalking to people online,..but i have no interest in any of that whatsoever today and i just hate everything and am very sick of this boring life sitting at home on the computer all day,...it is makin

So 3 days ago i called the cops on myself because i was having pretty bad suicidal and violent thoughts,...like on a way different level then normal so it scared me pretty bad and i called them andthey took me to the same hospital i went to about 2 years ago after my suicide attempt and i was released within 24 hours this time which is kinda shocking to me still because of the nature of what i

Not mentioning all the other shit that is wrong with my life,...the number 2 thing that makes me depressed and miserable the most is playing poker I am simply addicted 100x to playing online poker, been playing since late 2005 thats when i made my first deposit online and have been living a nightmare pretty much ever since.

 

Since 05 i have gone broke atleast 50 times because

So today i saw a pretty shocking video that was probably the worst vid i ever seen in my life and ive seen alot of bad ones like torture videos and beheadings from the middle east,....this one was of a dog in china being beaten to death and getting a brick thrown at its head and u could hear it screaming and stuff and i must say it disturbed me so bad and made me very depressed and also extreme