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"I've been a grateful member here for over 4 yrs this place has changed my life of course for the better, coming to the groups has enabled me to no longer feel so alone. As a group leader for the Bipolar Support group I can relate to others and am expressing my experience strength and hope and this is very rewarding, I've also made many supportive friends here whom I talk to some daily. I used to have a lot of 'lows' since becoming member here at MdJunction I no longer have these lows." (Dit)

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Nelly

I first joined this group in February 08 to try and understand Avpd better. I was in a romantic relationship with a very lovely man who I strongly suspect suffers from this disorder. Sadly the demands I made for more emotional intimacy in our relationship only caused him to feel more threatened and close down on me even more. The outcome was we had to part, though we still talk on the telephone. At the moment, apart from his therapist, I am the only other person he has contact with (save necessary communication with the outside world for everyday life functioning).

I love my ex very deeply and learning more about Avpd has helped me to better understand myself also. I am learning to let go of my own desires for him to break through his walls for what I could gain if he did, and instead to learn to love him as 'unconditionally' as I can. Accepting the reality of what this lovely man has to deal with on a daily basis instead of living in the fantasy world of what a wonderful life we could have together if he got over his Avpd.

I've researched Avpd as extensively as I can and have cut and pasted lots of interesting bits and pieces about the condition in several word documents. I will post them on this site in the hope that something may be of help to others in this support group.

If there are any partners/spouses of Avpd'ers out there, I hope we can be of support to each other also as well as to the people we love and others suffering with Avpd. Partners of Avpd'ers suffer a great deal from their own emotional needs not being met, we are only human after all. It would be good to share tips on how we can stay healthy enough ourselves to truly be of support to the people we love and who sadly suffer from this condition.

Why I joined this group

Nov 14 2008

Comments (4) Add Comment

written by sharone, November 14, 2008

Nelly. I think back on my relationship w/my partner. Our marriage was a disaster. We had no support network. Not from his family nor mine. I've done a lot of healing since he died. The truth is that what you want to give him was probably the one and only thing that I desperately needed when I was so steeped in AvPD and social anxiety. I needed someone to care enough. I needed someone to give me time and space and a chance to grow w/o pressure. I probably needed exactly what your are offering your guy, Nelly. He is very lucky to have you. It will take him time to put his pieces together. I couldn't find compassion in my own family. Neither one of my parents was capable of it. I ran across a woman who's become a friend but a life guide, too. I turn to her regularly for acceptance and guidance and just to break down. I have grown a larger support group since then. Your guy will need that too. You are a good person to do this for him, Nelly. I hope you'll post this on the forum so that we can open it up to a bigger group of folks. It's pretty important stuff! Think about it. Glad you posted here! Sharone

written by sharone, November 14, 2008

One more comment. The thing I was really missing was trust. It takes a long time to learn to trust somebody.

written by Nelly, November 14, 2008

Thanks Sharone. It is so reassuring to hear from someone who has suffered from this disorder to say I am doing the right thing here. I genuinely love my ex but for both our sakes and my children's I had to let him go, well let go of any ideas of a reciprocal initimate relationship with him. The reality is he cannot give me what I need emotionally and so I have to learn to stop demanding it and expecting it of him, it only exaccerbates his Avpd. For now I am just learning to love him from a distnace and to be his friend instead of dumping my pain on top of what he already has to handle. I am also learning how to start healing my own wounded core person and to understand more about why I have always been attracted to partners who for one reason or another could not meet my emotional needs. Just tonight I have joined the Codependent Personality Group on MD Junction as I fall more into that category myself. I'd like to both contribute and learn what I can from both groups. Good luck to all and thanks Sharone, you always speak from the heart and are a great inspiration to the Avpd group.

written by sharone, November 14, 2008

Thanks, Nelly. It breaks my heart but I totally understand what you mean that he's not capable of a reciprocal intimate relationship. My ex was an alcoholic but I was the one who fits your guy's description. There's always room to grow but you are so wise to recognize your own needs for growth and to allow yourself the opportunity. You'll go far, Lyn. Your vision is clear. You know what you need to do. I hope you'll stay in touch and share your progress! We all can't be about our illnesses, we have to also be about finding our way up and out. I'm thinking of you! your friend, Sharone