This is my first diary entry, I don't normally write where others can see it, but today I need to have the input of others to help me get past the pain and the not knowing how to deal with it.

You see I am always the one in charge, in control , I fix things for others. Now I can't fix anything, not even for myself, and I don't know how to live with that. I hurt in so many places , my hands are alive with prickly needles of pain , my shoulders are on fire, my hips burn . I can only tell I have feet when my toes start to tingle. OMG, I sound so sorry for myself, I hate that I sound like that. I try to be upbeat and encouraging all the time , the family cheerleader, but today I just can't do it.

My oldest daughter showed up in the middle of the night she is homeless again and has given custody of her baby to her birth mother. I don't have it in me to deal with the pain she brings with her, on top of all of my other pain. Oh , how could she have given that precious little angel that both her father and I love with all of our hearts to the woman who had her parental rights stripped away by the state. I can't stop crying, over the loss of my grandson and the deep, deep sadness that her lifestyle causes me.

I am going to go to a pow-wow and see if that doesn't heal my spirit at least. My body I guess I have to learn to live with, since it's the only I have. Thank Grandfather and the Goddess for sending me to this group I would have been so lost so many times without y'all to talk to and lean on, they truly so watch over me.