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carmen33"When I first came to MDJ, I was in a very dark place, and feeling quite alone, I don't know how I found this site, but I have been very grateful ever since, all of you have offered insight to the illness of Bipolar and the other things going on with me, being here has allowed me to find friends, and to feel safe in discussing things that I would never have shared before.

I believe it has also offered me the chance to reach out and help others. A simple Thank you, is all that I have to offer, to this site and to the wonderful people here.
" (carmen33)

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alittlestuck Thoughts of my situation, behaviors observed, and mental vomiting page!

What now?

Mar 16 2010

I returned from a trip to my parent's and ended up having a talk with my bf again.  I expressed how I feel as though the subject of him picking and possibly having bp has been dropped and is not really being dealt with.  He had picked a little on his arms when I was gone, but not much on his face.  He said, he felt as though he's improved alot this year in comparison to other years (as far as the picking goes) because he used to pick all over his face and call out sick to work, now he only picks a little (on the sides of his face) so he doesn't miss any work so that's improvement.  Fact is, he used to pick maybe once every 4-5 months, now it's constantly.

I told him I want to be there for him and support him but I want him to get help and think he would want the same for me if roles were reversed.  We didn't talk much that week, then at the end of the week he said - I know I've done some things that have damaged our relationship and understand if you don't find me attractive anymore and I know that's completely my fault.  If this our relationship is becoming unhealthy for you I understand if you need to leave. -  Basically, he's once again bringing sex into the topic of conversation, trying to imply that I'm not attracted to him (even though I'm always the initiator).  On top of that he said he doesn't need help, he's happy with himself and he's fine - he's not crazy.  He told me he won't go to a dermatologist because they can't help him.  He informed me for the first time that he went to a derm years ago and the woman was a "bitch" and told him that there's nothing wrong with his skin and he's the problem.  Even after confessing this, he explains that he doesn't need help and that he understands if I can't handle this relationship anymore. 

 So basically, deal with it like nothing's wrong or leave.  I told him I've always been attracted to him, that there's nothing he can do to make himself not attractive to me (believe me he's definitely good looking) and that I don't want to leave this relationship I want to work on this as a team and I want to support him and work through this.  I said that I don't want him to have to go through whatever negative thoughts/feelings he has when he picks and that I would hope he would want the same for me if roles were reversed.

He seemed frustrated at the end of the discussion since I hadn't picked one of his 2 options given but there was really no where else for the conversation to go.  Since then, he hasn't hugged me, touched me or anything affectionate.  He hasn't made much eye contact either and seems cold and distant.  I have made small efforts for physical contact, like kissing him when I get home or scratching his back but have received no attempts from him.  He even made a comment about choices in life and being observant (in the middle of a conversation we were having) where he said "I see you rubbing your neck and can tell it's sore (it definitely was that night) and there are choices you can make all the time, I can be aware of you doing that and come over there and massage it".  He simply made the statement - he didn't then come over and massage it.......?

We haven't been intimate in 3 weeks now and a big part of it is that I can't seem to make a connection with him.  It's as though he turned off a light switch and he's gone.

He's recently been very aggressive in conversation too, constantly making obnoxious remarks.  This last weekend when my sister was in town (I stayed with her at her hotel) and he called me and was totally irritated.  Someone had parked in our parking space and he was furious about it.  I understand that's frustrating and was supportive of his venting about it.   After we got off the phone, he ended up waiting a couple of hours then having the car towed.  I understand doing that, the person shouldn't have parked there and my bf had every right to have it towed.  However, he later told me that he was so pissed off about it that he got out some tool in his shed and started banging on the dumpster in the alley shouting "Who's car is this?!"  He told me neighbors were looking out there windows at him because he was making so much noise.  He scraped up his knuckles badly doing this too.  That's where the story becomes ridiculous to me.  He told me he slept on the couch that night because he was on edge thinking that the person might retaliate.               I had such a beautiful, nice weekend with my sister and my nieces and this is what I come home to??!!!!!!!

I am once again angry with my situation and feeling fed up.  Why am I fighting for someone who doesn't show that he gives a crap about me, doesn't have any plans for the future (except for winning the lottery of course) and doesn't seem to enjoy the same things as me anymore.  He doesn't have any sense of peace about him - something that I used to feel around him before - he seems in constant turmoil and I don't want to be caught up in it anymore.

My sister expressed concern for me this last weekend (before this she's tried to remain fairly neutral) and said one of the good and bad things about me is that I tend to worry about other people's needs constantly in my life.  She said that I need to worry about my own needs (which is true).  She explained things so well when she said that in my relationship, although my bf contributes alot, I'm sacraficing alot kind of like the book "The Giving Tree".  She said that she understands me trying to work things out but that I need to make sure I don't give away too much of myself to where I have irreparable damage.  The giving tree gave and gave until it was a stump and she doesn't want to see that happen to me in this - where I become jaded from it.  I thought that was such a good description of what is happening that I may post it on a thread. 

I need to learn that I can give and sacrafice for a relationship as long as it doesn't take away from me in return.

Previous diary posts by alittlestuck:
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