|Mar 04 2010|
it's been a long, long time since i've even been here, much less written anything. however, a recent turn of events has forced me to search for an outlet to put thoughts to pen as it were, and try to figure out just what exactly in the hell i am doing. here's the story.
i play an online roleplaying type game, and have for quite sometime. in this game there is chat as well as the option of using a medium called "vent" to talk live to other players. very cool stuff for a bored, out of work housewife. i began to talk to a man on a regular basis, just as friends and "running buddies" at first (isn't that always the case?) which has turned into a full-blown romance kind of thing that has so disrupted my life that my husband has left me. (understandably, since i can't leave this guy alone. search me, but i just can't do it). i am jeopardizing everything i have for a long distance relationship/infactuation that i'm fairly certain will end in failure, but i don't seem to care. my children are hurting, but that's not enough to bring me to my senses. i'm so into this fantasy man that i can't think clearly, or if i am, i dismiss the reality for fantasy because it's so much sweeter. this has been going on for 4 months now, and every time we talk (which is several hours a day) i'm into him more than i was the day before. i want to be with him even though the reasons defy all logic. my husband provides stability, but has been largely emotionally and physically absent for a long time. we've been distanced for quite some time. however, it just doesn't make any sense that i would want a man i've never met who lives 1000 miles away over the man who can take care of me of my family right here. i can't justify my actions, i can't even get a grasp on how or why this is happening. i know i don't want to end things with the guy from afar, but do deeply regret the pain i'm causing my family at the same time. i know i'm the most selfish human being on the planet, that reality is not lost on me. i'm leaning toward just allowing everything to take it's natural course and if that means losing my marriage, then so be it. if i lose my long distance man too, then that's what i deserve: to be alone for what i've done. i didn't mean for things to get to this point but they did. but i seem to be more willing to give up my marriage than my far away man, which still doesn't make any sense to me............oh i'm so confused. i didn't even know my marriage was in that bad of shape until now. funny how things reveal themselves. i don't know what else to say other than "help?".
I've lost my mind.
Mania's Triumphant Return
More on mom's denial of my BP
Not "feeling it" lately
Monthly cycle and bipolar (Ol' Aunt Flo)
The mania continues
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