My Sort-It-All-Out Book

I seem to cycle pretty dramatically between mania and depression like most of us, and am weary like most of us.  The only difference the Depakote has made is the highs aren't as high (yet), butthe lows are lower than they were before.  This hypomanic state is feeling like "it could go all the way!".  I am very, very agitated, no patience at all.  I almost snapped someone's head off on the boards for no good reason, but managed to contain myself.  I still want  to, but won't.  Wouldn't be proper.  Besides, that's not what we're here for.  Just because I feel like shit doesn't mean I should shit on someone else.  Even if I would feel better for awhile.  But, then I'd have guilt, then it'd be a big mess, and....you get the point.  I haven't been sleeping well again, either.  I think that goes with the territory.  I had about a month of good sleep for the first time in years, and am angry that's over.  I'm sure (?) I'll get to sleep well again, but damn it all!  I HATE this friggin' disease-disorder-affliction-problem-BULLSHIT that I have to put up with every waking moment of every stupid day!!  I hate even more my children and husband have to put up with it as well.  My kids are great, though.  They tell me they love me and have always known I was crazy and they're OK with it.  It breaks my heart.  I hate taking these stupid pills, and I hate what message they send to my kids as well.  I know I have to take something for the rest of my life, but it would be nice if there wasn't the side effect of DEATH with some of them.  The one I'm on can kill me rather suddenly.  No stress there!  I'm tired.  I've been dealing with these symptoms for most of my 37 years, and I'm just plain tired.  I was about 10 when I started with the outbursts of rage.  Not anger, full blown RAGE.  I was about 9 when I can remember my first depressive episode.  That's a long time to me, considering I don't remember the first 4-5 years of my life.  That leaves a spotty 4-5 year period of "normalcy".  Naturally, it's the weekend so I have to wait until Monday to get ahold of my NP.  Unless things get pretty ugly this weekend, I'll just hang on and see how it goes.  My moods usually reach a break-point and I'll settle down back into something more managable.  I always worry that the break-point will be something I can't hang on to this time, though.  I guess we'll see.