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nolongertrapped It has been 2 years and 7 months since I left an abusive relationship. I am learning and experience happiness and growth every day.

The nightmare

May 07 2011

So since my last post, I've spent a lot of time second guessing my instincts.  I'm still filing for soul custody, I am convinced that he was threatening to commit suicide. 

My reasoning for this is, no he did not directly text me and say "I am committing suicide", but he did send me a message saying "You won't have to deal with me any more.  No body will.  Have a nice life."

 I asked him what he meant and he responded "I AM DONE!"

Due to the emotional nature of the day, I assumed that he meant he was going to kill himself.  I called the police, they went over to check on him.  They told him that I was afraid he was going to committ suicide.  After they left he texted, "That will not stop me.  Nothing will.  No body cares about me, just look."

This text in my opinion confirms to me that he was insinuating suicide.  He knew the cops came by to check on him because I was afraid he would commit suicide, and then he sent me that message.

The reason I am rehashing this is that I am praying that I'm not spending all this money on a lawyer for nothing.  I prey the judge sees what I've been seeing all along.

In addition to that, I had a dream last night, I think it was an anxiety dream.  I dreamt that Jenny went in to Six flags through the front and I snuck in through the trees and ended up going down a water slide to enter the theme park.  Than I realized that Jennifer and I never agreed on a place to meet back in the park and I remember looking all over the place for her.  I also remember in my dream, that Jon and I were still together.  The whole time in the dream, I was having anxiety because Jon got a job offer in the dream, but he was going to need to use my car because his car was broken down.  For those that haven't read some of my previous entries, this was a constant problem in our relationship, because he felt like he was entitled to drive my vehicle because the car he bought didn't have a current inspection sticker or registration, and if he got pulled over in it he would go to jail.  If I got pulled over in it, the most that would happen to me is I would get a heavy fine that Jon would never pay me back for and it would go on my record.  In my dream, I was still driving the Saturn.  The Saturn is the 24000 dollar car I purchased in 2004 with my own money and Jon totalled it last summer.  And since we had no money and my insurance company wouldn't pay out on the vehicle if they found out that an unlicensed driver was driving my vehicle, I had to claim the accident so we could get some money to go towards another car.  So not only did my insurance rates go up, I also had to spend all of my student loan money on a second vehicle so that I could finally have something to drive while I was finishing my last semester of school in the fall. 

The dream felt awfully real and I remember the whole time I was trying to think of a way out, and I remember writing letters to Jon in my dream trying to tell him that I didn't want to be with him any more.  Thats why I call it a nightmare, it felt like I was completely reliving the relationship in some bizarre theme park.  AAAGGGGHHH! 

I can't wait to see my counselor.  She's great at putting things into perspective for me. 


Previous diary posts by nolongertrapped:
Comments (2)Add Comment
written by livinginablender, May 08, 2011
Ask your councilor about PTSD.

written by nolongertrapped, May 08, 2011
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? I definately will, thank you for the suggestion!

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