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XtremeTalentBiz Hey everyone! This is my diary for you guys to read and I'll keep in it my thoughts, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, and moods. Maybe along the way it'll help you guys out too!
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Wednesday, September 9th, 2009, 12:45am

Sep 08 2009
Alright I should've journaled this earlier when it happened but I didn't. I just didn't have the energy and I was uncertain of what I was feeling and I still am. But Friday, September 5th, is when the incident happened. Now my dad has only been in the picture when it's come to holidays; I used to see him a little bit more as a child but that stopped when I turned 9 or 10. Well Friday, we had to go to the dentist at about noon or 1pm to go give him the money in exchange for my retainer. I was in the E.R. the night before as you guys already read and it took me until about 4am to fall asleep and only because I took a valium. I ended up waking up at 6:45am and letting the animals out and what not and I tried going back to sleep but it wasn't working for me. I woke up my mom at about 9am and told her that another day for me to go to the dentist would be better and she agreed on the account that she had hardly slept too. So mom told me to call my dad, since he offered to pay for the retainer, and tell him to come bring the money to our house and so I did. I called him and his words were: "Well I've got shit to do that just came up. Ya know, when you make plans you have to try your hardest to go through with them and with your mother, you never can." I told him: "You know how she is. She just woke up and has to have her few cups of coffee and she can't drive to Dundalk alone; especially with her anxiety which I think is bull and she should just get over since we're moving out of state." Now my dad knew I was in the E.R. the night before and he knew what for, he knew when I went to bed and what I had to do to go to bed, and he also knew what time I woke up. But he yelled at me anyhow and said: "You don't know what anxiety is, you know the word anxiety. You don't know what they feel and go through." I turned around and said: "I don't know anxiety?" because I was real offended and I'm sure those who have anxiety and were told the same thing, would feel the same exact way. The nerve of that man. Hell he ain't no man, he's a boy in a man's body; if you can call that petite, fragile figure a man. Ha! He told me that if she could come down at 1pm, he could settle for that. Once I hung up the phone, I balled my eyes out! He treated me like I was the most stupid person on this Earth and that is not the behavior you should recieve from your own father! I cried for 3 hours straight! It took me 2 hours before I could even tell mom what happened. I ended up falling asleep at 12:30-1pm and waking up at 7:30pm. I hurried up and got ready because Paul, mom's friend, was going to be at our house soon and I didn't want to look such a wreck. Well 9:58pm hits and I was onto my 2nd piece of pizza which Paul had brought over for us to eat during the movie when my dad calls. So I answered and he says: "Hundred bucks says you didn't go to the dentist." and I told him he was right and that he knew I was in the E.R., he knew I went to bed at about 4am on a valium, and I wasn't feeling well so I fell asleep at 12:30-1pm and slept until 7:30pm. Once again he said: "Yeah and I bet you feel better now, don't you?" and of course I told him I did. He asked that real ignorantly too. As for my getting to bed that night so I didn't sleep in and get nothing done the next day, I told him I would take another valium IF I had to and would you believe what he said next. He said: "You're too young to be having these problems and being on these medications. You're going to die like Michael Jackson." FIRST OFF, I'M ON BIRTH CONTROL UNLESS HE'D LIKE ME TO BLEED TO DEATH AND DIE THAT WAY. SECONDLY, I'M ON VALIUM FOR WHEN I NEED IT AND I HARDLY TAKE IT. IF SOMEONE TAKES IT TOO MUCH, IT'S MY MOTHER WHO POPS IT 2-3 TIMES A DAY! I had it then, I blurted out: "Ya know, your other kids might tell you to fuck off, but I actually wanted you in my life." and boy did it take him awhile to call me back because after saying that, I hung up. I walked into the living room and said: "That man." and that's all I got out before crying. Mom looked at Paul and told him that's what my dad did to me earlier because mom told Paul about what happened earlier. Mom let me sleep and took Paul with her to my dad's to get the money and once they got back into the car, Paul told mom how he nearly kicked my dad's ass for the mouth on him and the way he treated my mom like shit. I wish Paul would've because it would be about damn time that someone kicked that old man's ass! But he did call back and he said: "You can hang up on me all you want but I'm not going to take it. A month down the road, if you want to apologize, it won't even matter. Have a nice life." so I'm guessing that's him abandoning me...Right? After that though, it's almost like I couldn't cry. I don't even know if I wanted to and at this point I still don't know. I don't know what to feel at all so is that a good thing? Is this me feeling relief?

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