|Dec 08 2009|
Alright, I decided to rewrite certain entries and delete the others. The date above is not the day that I am writing this, but it is the date of the incident. So, September 4th I went to the E.R. at Franklin Square Hospital. My vertigo was pretty severe and I was hoping that a doctor could do something about it. I was in the hospital for about 3-4 hours and when we got home, my real father had just called. It was about 12:30am when we got home. We told my father why I was in the hospital and what they suggested for me to do so he knew I was out late. It was so hard to sleep that night; I took a valium at quarter to 4am. My valium is prescribed to me for 2 reasons: To calm me down during a panic attack or before one and to help me sleep when it's hard to. I ended up waking up at quarter to 7am because my animals had to go to the bathroom. Once I handled what I had to, I went to go to bed again but I couldn't. After awhile I started to feel really sick. In the afternoon, mom and I were supposed to go to the dentist to have me fitted for a retainer which my dad said he'd pay for. We didn't have an appointment, the dentist said to just show up before he closes and my dad also knew that. Since I was feeling really sick, at 9am, I got mom and asked her if we could go another time. She woke up and told me that that was a good idea. So, I called my dad and asked, "Can you bring the money to us?" He threw a fit! He said, "I've got shit that just came up that I've got to do. Ya know, when you make plans, you've got to follow through with them and you can't always, but that's OK. But with your mother, you never can," so I replied with "Well you know her, she just woke up and has to have her coffee before she can do anything. And you know she won't go down there unless she has someone with her because of her anxiety; which I think is stupid because she's got to get over it if we're moving out of state soon." That man had the nerve to finish it off with saying this, "You don't know anxiety, you know the word. You don't know what they feel and go through." Excuse me, but what was I in the E.R. the night before for? Not only did he know I was in the E.R., he knew what I was in there for. He treated me like I was completely brain-dead right there. He thinks that if I do have anxiety, it's because I don't feel popular or something like that. After I got off of the phone with him, I cried for 3 hours total! It took me 2 hours to tell mom what happened and that I was crying. Eventually I calmed down, though. At about quarter to 1pm, I finally fell asleep. I ended up sleeping until 7pm and I had to rush to get ready for company. My mom's friend, Paul, was coming and we were all going to watch movies and eat some pizza. I was just about to start onto my 2nd piece when my father calls. Stupid me, I answered. The first thing out of his mouth was, "$100 says you didn't go to the dentist," and I told him that he knew I didn't feel well and that I didn't go. I told him how I ended up falling asleep until 7pm and guess what he had to say to that! "Yeah and you feel better now, don't ya? Now you won't sleep tonight," so I said, "If I have to, I'll take a valium to sleep." The words out of his mouth after that, impacted and affected me deeply. "You're going to die like Michael Jackson. You're way too young to be having these problems and to be on all of these pills," and it took me one long second to reply with, "You know, your other kids might tell you to fuck off, but I wanted you in my life!" I hung up after I said that. I walked into the living room and the words, "That man," was the only thing I could get out before I started crying again. I was only on 2 pills at that time and right now, I'm only on 1! I was taking birth control for irregular periods and valium as need; and he knew about both and the reasoning for them. But it took him forever to call back and when he did, we ignored the call, so he left a voicemail. Finally, we listened to it. He said, "You know, I'm not going to tolerate you hanging up on me. Along down the road, a month from now, if you try to apologize, it's not going to be any good. Have a nice life," and that was it. I went into the basement after that message and I sat down. I didn't know if I had to cry or not and you know what? To this day I still haven't cried! I think I've finally figured it out; I felt relieved and still do. I still have problems, though. When it comes to a father figure, I latch onto older men and try to place them as father figures. I am trying to work on it, though. But I still feel relieved.
Sunday, September 27th, 2009, 1:13pm
Tuesday, September 15th, 2009, 3:17am
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