My pain

My beloved Son Junior,

I write you these few words with pain in my heart, tears in my eyes.

I have to tell you that I loveyou, cause we always said that to each other.

You were my  first, even though I had already had your sister Angelica Minerva and Johnny Angel, the twin. But they left my side a couple of days after they were born(R.I.P.).

So you became my most desirable baby cause I had no idea if you were going to make it. You did and I had you for 17 years.

Most, if not to say all those years, you were really only My Son. I as you know was always alone with you, your brother and the girls. 

You grew up without a father in a lot of ways. But you turned out to be a great Son, Friend, Brother, Nephew and Grandson.

You were a good Son to me, always by my side through good times and bad.

I have no regrets about how I raised you.

My only regret in this life and it tears me apart inside is that I was always there to protect you and I always did the best that I could.

But I failed this time, I failed.

I lost you, only 5 minutes had passed when I left with your brother to buy you guys junk. Only five minutes Junior..and you were no longer with me.

I wanted to hold you in my arms one last time, I wanted to hold you like when you took your first breath. I failed to be there for the last breath.

But I try to console my broken soul and mind by knowing that you weren't alone those last moments of  your precious life.

Junior you were the sunshine in my life, you were the sunshine in our home and the laughter...how can we forget the laughter and the happiness you always had...and even when you weren't happy you still smiled. But I knew, always knew when something was wrong.

You were always my brat, My spoiled brat.

I miss so many things, I have so many memories from the time I held you inside of  me, till the last day.

I want to thank you My Son for leaving in my life all your friends,  your closes friends.

I like to think that you left them in my life for a reason, like if you knew..you knew I would need them and learn to love them, love them like I love you.

I am greatful they are part of my life because I have come to know things about you, that I would not have come to know otherwise.

Your crazy ideas, your feelings toward certain things in our home, things you really hated and things you were worried about...you were always so private or were you trying to protect me from more pain? I will never know, but at least now I know more...your friends are your gift to me.

Rest My Son in Peace with God.

Watch over us along with your sister (Angelica Minerva Contreras) and your brother (Johnny Angel Contreras)...

Love you Always,

Your crazy Mom

P.S. I almost forgot My Son...athough I am sure you were there with us...but just in case you were wondering around somewhere else....A priest went to visit your resting place or as I call it now your home....he blessed it and all of us that were there...he prayed for you and us....it was very nice and emotional.