My new life, one I don't want

I miss him. I miss him. I sit and think and I miss him. I just want to know, I just want confirmation about whether he ever thinks of me, or what. Has he hated me so much I am out of his life? I wish I knew. I wish that I could somehow get in his mind and try to figure things out. I just need to know whther he hates me or not. If I had that answer then my life could become new and I would just accept or have to accept the new normal. How could someone that I gave life to hate me so much he wanted to kill me? My mother called me a fuck up on numerous occassions. Every family has a black sheep, I am ours. I thought I did something so right by giving him life, but in the end somewhere along the line I fucked up. I had gotten the suicide thoughts out of my head but now for some unknown reason they just came back.  I wish there was just a life switch just like a light switch. Turn it on and you live life, shut it off and your life ends. My switch is now half way there, in the balance.