Mommybean4's Diary: My Mental State

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My Mental State - Mommybean4's Diary
	My sanctuary to vent all that I am feeling and going through at the moment when dealing with my health.

Apr 14

2008

A Better Day...

I think that if anyone out there were to take a look at my life right now and hear me say that I am having a better day, I think they might find that hard to believe. I can truly say that todaywas indeed a better day. My mind was a bit clear today. My leg was in a little less pain today. I came to the realization that I can not return back to work today. I came to the conclusion that my husband doesn't annoy me as much with a thousand and one questions today. Even my daughters were a bit more quiet today. I did something today that I haven't done in a very long time. I laughed. I heard something very funny today, and I laughed. I felt as though I haven't had good reason to laugh. Sometimes even smile. My depression has been so bad the past few weeks, that I didn't think anything would bring me up for a moment. My mind is still very much clouded, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do next. But I am starting to see that sometimes the little things that happen in your life can truly make an impact. Today I received a package from Nostalgic Candy.com. Last week I sat on the website and looked through it ordering candies that I hadn't eaten since I was a kid. That box truly brightened my day. Right now I am hopped up on sugar and will probably see the sun come up, but it's ok, because today was a better day!

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Apr 05

2008

A moment of extreme aggrivation

I am a person who hates feeling like my feelings do not matter. I'm that friend that everyone goes to when they have problems or issues, or just needs to have that moment to vent,and needssomeone to listen. I've always been that person. I've learned that when I needed that same in return, about 90% of the time I was not going to get the same back. It's always frustrated me. Because of the type of person I am, I've gone years allowing that to happen. I am at a point in my life where I really need to vent. I really need to get a lot off my chest, and no one is listening to me. This includes my husband. Several times I have all but screamed for someone to listen to me. If it didn't have something to do with them, they could not be bothered. I've been told that I need to focus on my family. On my daughters especially. How can I focus on other people when I can barely remain stable for myself? No one understands that. I have a lot of fear going on in my heart and mind. I feel as though I'm slowly losing my sanity. I can't get a grip on what's happening to me mentally. No one is listening to my cries for help. I know I need help. Joining this support group was my first step. I think I may also need to go physically to a support group. I'm not sure yet, but I know this is a start. Why is it that no one is understanding how serious what I'm going through really is? What will it have to take before anyone finally realizes how serious I am?

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Apr 04

2008

My first entry...

I just joined the Amputee support group. I have so much going on in my head right now I don't know which way is up. I think I've spent more crying in the past few days than I have in myentire lifetime. Mentally, I just don't think I can handle all of this right now. I'm going to lose my left leg and there's nothing I can do about it. I joined the group because I needed to vent and get out all that's running through my head. Sometimes I just want to vent to someone without them feeling like they have to offer their views. I can't get that from my husband. He constantly downplays my pain, physically and emotionally. He just does not understand. I've dealt with this pain for 22 years. I'm to the point where I want to do whatever I can forget the pain and fear I have been experiencing for so long. By any means necessary. I'm starting not to care, and that's a very unsafe thing. I'm trying to go down the right path, but each day becomes increasingly difficult.

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