hi everyone

 

i been keeping busy

not had time to come here in awhile, keeping busy is good sometimes

i hope everyone is doing fine

:) 

really quick prayer for my brother father

if only i could see my father and brother & be next to them but i cant.. not only i cant but im not alloud.. the worst part life is knowing you have a family but not being able to see them, hold them and love them.. it is killing me honestly

i hope whoever out there has a min to pray for them just b/c i still love them no matter what

father & brother both not doing well, ill go into it more later

if only dreams came true 

i love you all

:) 

well ive been feeling like i dont have nothing to write b/c i got over being depressed but i had a talk with my father today which im depressed now but i got to go out to my friends house now thereexpecting me. anyways i hope i find some energy & time to post replys to everyone who wrote me, so many... i wonder if i was on a high when i was writting here day after day b/c the last few days i dont even wanna say nothing honestly.. i only talk about my problems when im super depressed and thats a tuffy b/c i can go a few weeks sometimes without anyone knowing how i truely feel. anyways not to ramble on i miss you all and thats why ive been gone.

hope to be back soon, or better yet hope to be able to reply soon

grrrrrrrrr life :)

i do have alot to post of what my dad says but i dont have time now

:(

bbs

*hugs*

 

HG 

today is a beautiful day in cali

about 78 degree's

suns shining

and its payday

:D

hope your all doing great

i hope to find some time late tonight to read forums and post

*hugs*

 

do alot of bi-polar people get frustrated easy like me

so easy

im so tired of it

i wish i had pathience

 sweet dreams

this place when i joined was a place i could speak my mind

but after the problems ive had in 2 days all b/c i use medical pot and someone has a hissy fit over it, i cant speak my mind, roy toldme i cant cuss... how can i speak my mind if i have to do it by others people standards, god i want so bad to tell bill what a mfer he is but i dont

i should be able to though b/c i thought when i joined this is a free speech site but i guess im wrong, maybe ill just leave it

i see im not helping anyone

all people see is the problems bill created for me

im so over it

bunch of children running around blaming others for there own life f ups

:)

WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SPEAK OUR MINDS ON OUR OWN DIARYS

im sure there is a website i can speak my mind without people taking sides

ill look

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr 

people blaming me still for there own problems

this is bi-polar

i try so hard to forgive people who dont give a crap

but it only back fires

this person could care less what i say

all he/she cares about is putting me down

goodluck... remember karma :) 

highlightInterests("ProfileGeneral");highlightInterests("ProfileMusic");highlightInterests("ProfileMovies");highlightInterests("ProfileTelevision");highlightInterests("ProfileBooks");

General	Staring at the sky, Bond Fires, Friends, Road Trips, Spur of the moment trips, Camping, Watching the sunrise and the sunset, 4-wheeling, Long walks at night when the moon shines down on you, driving my h22 accord & blowin my ear drums, stars gazing, oceans, islands, trees, open space, amusement parks, swapmeets , shooting pool, blackjack, hold em, stud, ebay, online games, bowling, fixing cars, fixing computers or building them b/c i am a (A+ & MCP) certified tech also i am a network administrator, remote control hobbies-nitro, looking into space, i been bungy jumping, although i dont like heights i would do it again b/c it's a rush & a rush is needed sometimes to feel good, i love fastfood, i also love to cook which i used to do when i had someone to make smile, i love roller coasters, i love to go fast on bikes, cars, boats, love quads & dirt, i like BIG Chevy Trucks but cant afford 1..hehe, i drive a 92 h22 honda accord , i love listening to music in my car or in my room, loud as car be or just twiddling my fingers in my room and looking out the window watching my dogs play,i got 5 sharpie's im a quite person unless your here, Aliens UFOz Area 51 interest's me I also love to just be alone sometimes & listen to the birds, i love to make people laugh, make myself look like an idiot to get a laugh, it dont matter as long as your happy im interested
Music	classic rock, rock, alternative, hip hop, rap, tupac, afi, 2 short, deftones, dr dre, eazy e, eminem, johnny cash, doors, metalica, bon jovi, distured, dmx, e-40, god smack, james blunt, kanye west, korn, limp bizkit, linkin park, mack 10, ministry of sound, snoop, drum &; bass, dephe mode, pantera, sublime, system of a down, papa roach, tool, tom petty, 50 cent, acdc, fugees, ice cube, jimmy hendrix, nwa, paul oakenfold, run dmc, slipknot, westside connection as i grow older it all sounds ok. almost all :)</anything>
Movies	The Shawshank Redemption, how high, SBJ, half baked, MFHM, Spider-Man, Rocky, Meet the Fockers, The Day After Tomorrow, The Matrix, Forrest Gump, Rambo, Signs , and many more.....i love comedy, also love action, romance, documentories, anything really, as long as its english or something close...LOL
Television	i dont watch much, but when i do, it would have to be reality shows, games shows, news, cops, AMW,AFV, Jerry, Montell, and so on~~~ im not into cartoons anymore, i do got to say i love my 35" tv
Books	u mean cook books.......LOL i love 2 cook but dont need to read for it, i dont like to read, i dont read unless i have to.. So this mean i have Perfect eye sight...YeeeePeeeee 20/20 ,rc hobbies, trucks, guy magazines... LOL NO books here.. i have them but dont need to read them, i know how to build computers already
Heroes	my mother, she puts up with my shit &; still loves me un-conditionally. if only there was a woman who would love me un-conditionally... my grandma, but she has been gone since 1996  Zodiac Sign:Libra Who I'd like to meet: aliens , people from other planets-- my grandma who is in heaven-- a good woman with good sense of humor also from a good home. a woman who knows how to take care of man-- -- Mark Emery-- anyone who dont judge others, to me everyone is equal NO EVIL PEOPLE please

i dunno if i posted about this yet but it is a problem

i often lay in bed for 2-3 hours before i can actually fall a sleep

sometimes i take xanax which helps alittle

but i wonder if alot of you other bp people have this problem

laying in bed for countless hours every night, this isnt once a week, this is everynight.. thinking about tomarrow or just the day or something

i also cant sleep anywhere but home

cant sleep on floors, other peoples beds, sofas, outside camping

my friend & my mom fall sleep in 2 mins

i wish i knew how they did it

i also notice everyday when i wake up my sheets have come completely off my bed

isnt that a clue that something is happening during my sleep

lots of tossing ans turning

can any docs help me with this? what do i tell them

i dont want seroquil, that stuff kills :)

makes u drowsy next day

ambien is the same

ive tried many pills for sleep but dont seem to work unless i take more then the recommended dose 

hopefully tomarrow will be a better day for us all

even though today was a good one :)

take care and sleep well to whoever cares

 

he is a friend ive known since grade 3

ive always wished i could be like him in some sort of way. this guy is the same age as me and what id call "normal" he parties alot, has hitchhiked all 50 states, he always finds his way no matter what, he works his own, supports himself somewhat, enuff to live i guess. he always has a gf, always has had 100's of friends everywhere we go, he knows how to dance, makes music, has all that stuff i wish i had... to be honest online i got all that and more but this online shit isnt reality.. i think most my problems in life come from sitting in front of my pc 24/7 and not getting out to see the world, ive missed so much and i continue to miss out b/c im here tpyin. anyways sometimes i just wanna go out and stick my finger out and leave but i cant.. im sure since some of you are bi-polar you know what i mean, i cant explain it besides im scared.. i dunno how to do what my mind wants me to do.. i use i cant even though cant isnt a word.. i wish i was different, i wish i had the balls to just go for it sometimes.. thats what i lack. i hope one day i find out how to beat w/e this condition is in my mind... b/c truly im the only one who knows what im going through..

ok so i havent really spoken about this but its been on my mind everyday for like a year. 

basically i live in ca alone, my fam lives in washington/canada. for about a year now i been tellingmyself im gonna move to washington to live with my mom, me and her talk on the phone alot. i've become close with my mom in recent years. i remember when i was young i hated her guts, she was the worst but then again i was a bad kid to. anyways back on topic my mom wishes i woulld come live up there with her and help her she says but she knows when i visit her i have anger issues and get stressed way easy meaning basically to be honest i get bored. when im there she continues to ask me to do this do that do this do that, and dont get me wrong i love my mom alot and would love to do everything for her but i think thats un-healthy. she has had weight issues most her life and is always on some kinda diet. i think if i was to do everything she wanted all the time i would only be adding to her problem. i believe if she wants something she needs to get up and get it sometimes, for her own sake.. i can do it for her alot but not all of it.. she needs to care for herself to. anyways i want so bad to move to washington to take care of her b/c i know she will only be around another 5-10 yrs, she is now 62 i think and has weight issues and she falls down alot, it hurts me so bad to not be able to be there taking care of her. i think about it daily, im just affraid really, she wants me to accept her the way she is which i do completely, but i think we as a team can help eachother.. i need help with my problems, she needs help with her problems. although she says she doesnt, she says she is happy.. but i know it must be very difficult having weight, + a son like me. let alone having another son with a hole new set of issues, no one is perfect.. all that really matters is we get along and love one each other.

so if i leave cali where i stay with my uncle . if i leave my cousin will take over my room ive lived in for 6 yrs. i wont be able to return unless i find a place which for me is real hard. i will learn someday i guess... but yea i want to live with my mom , i dont want not to argue but im bi-polar and i get stressed so easy..annoyed w/e u wanna call it.. if i dont take care of her now ill regret it later in life, i can always come back to the life i live now.. i cant always go back and take care of my mother.

i thought i would post this since it is on my mind alot alot.. i hope someone can tell me what they think i should do.. people often tell me you got to do what your heart feels, well it keeps telling me to pack and go but usually when i do that i regret it. for example: the love of my life i left after 3 yrs living with her, i left her b/c i got sad when she didnt hug me, i get sad hurt very easy, thats a big problem for me. i left her thinking it was the best thing to do at the time, honestly i left her b/c i was so mad at myself and i wanted to die everyday, she didnt know how to help me like most everyone, even my mom tells me she dunno how to help me.. i dont know how to help me although sometimes i dont even care anymore.

im just living for me. as u can see i go off topic alot lol lucky im even writting, i havent written in years. no one knows my pains & life until i found this site really, i open up 100% here, got nothing to hide... nothing to loose anymore + no1 knows me

 

so do i stay in cali and live my simple life i have now with no1

or do i move to washington, take care of my mom, be close to my family & maybe get better help for myself.

options are always good i believe, its just so hard to choose

i wish i was rich, id do both

i love cali b/c were i live theres not many people

im scared of the city, to many people even though i was born in orange county ca, 8mill people... i hate it

washington is like that, people everywhere..yuk

dunno anymore....i guess i follow my heart even though it hasn't led me anywhere in a very long time 

thanks for listening 

yes i use pot for medical uses

who gives a shit

alot of people on this site seem to cry alot about pot being so bad

here i can speak my mind b/c this is my diary

i think peopleneed to get educated of the benefits of medicinal marijuana

if it was legal there would be NO arguing this topic

it is all in your minds that just b/c the stupid american government made pot illegal that it is no good for anyone

thats why we are all the way we are is b/c the stupid gov, yes i hate them

they think they own us. we are nothing to them

we need change, we need our country back for the people

it is the people who matter not the government

f.... em :)

get educated and quiet putting people down b/c they use something u have no knowledge about

simple as that

bad laggg on this site

i cant even answer questions

anyone else see bad lag

pages wont load

grrr must be to many people on mdjunction

 

this just came to mind

quiet places:

on my way out to this one place in the middle of no where

where the sky is so beautiful, all problems seem to disappear

even if only for a moment <few hours> it is one of the most

quiet places i know in the middle of 60 acres of oranges

thats where im headed to now as the sun sets here in Cali

im going alone, i hope to see some beautiful stars & i bet

some of you will see the exact same stars as i do tonight :)

maybe a UFO will beam me up. wouldn't that be fun lol

if you would like to join me just goto that spot & find that star

and let your imagination wonder a bit

its special really 

in my next life i want to be a golden retriever

that way someone will take me home and love me

and i can love them un-conditionally and always make then smile

i can live a happy playfullife and give alot of love to my owners

i love dogs, they are a mans best friend.. not only men but people in general.

animals are the best

well anyways thats what i want in my next life

i wanna roam free

breath the air in everyday

runs & play catch with my owners

get treats and do tricks and just be a good old dog/friend

 

 

i often think people i meet online love me in the beginning, i can chat for hours with people and the next day its done, why do people forget or change or w/e u wanna call it.. i feel like everyone readsbut dont have time to reply or dunno what to say or just dont care... honestly it shouldnt even matter but it bugs me and im honestguy, so why not tell my true feelings. i got the same problem on myspace & yahoo & many places i write and meet people.. the first time you meet someone it almost seems to good to be true but it goes back to reality within 24 hours.. i think i scare people off with all my problems.. maybe i should lie and say im ok and my life is great. but then i wouldn't be me. :)

its been awhile since i had onebut i seem to be having one coming on now

i feel like leaving this site for some reason

i cant pinpoint it nor do i wanna

ill just go do something usefullike go for a drive

pray the migraine stops

have a nice one 

 

Random Things i Like: Animals, Road Trips, Roller Coasters, Swap meets, Lighting Storms, Forrest's, black jack, Boats, Guns, Fast Cars, Money, Honesty, Laughter, Loud Music, Fast Food, Long Drives, Star Gazing,Women, Oceans, Bungee Jumping, Junk Food, 420, My space, Yahoo Pool, Poker, Time to Myself, Computer Repair, Swimming, Cell Phones, Nice People, Lifted Trucks, Nitro R/C, Dirt Bikes, Sweet Women, Weather Watching, Glass Art, Watching TV, Pizza, Sex, Walmart, Family, Comedy, Love, Ice Cream, Bowling, Long Walks, Country Life, Long Talks, Helping People, Donuts, baby back Ribs, Building Things, Older Women, Breaking Things, Sour Patch Kids, Vancouver, Islands, Garlic, UFOs, Robots, Asian Women, Camping!

Random Things i Dont Like: Spiders, People, George Bush, Racist People, Spicy Food, Muscle Cars, The Gov, Haters, Dumb People, Cartoons, Slow Drivers, Scary Movies, Wasting Money, Life, Living with Bi-Polar, Back pain, Beer, Country Music, Hot ass Weather, City Life, Traffic, Malls, Rude People, Cats, X Girlfriends, Liars, People Who Hurt Others, Bullies-Punks, Mudkipz, Spammers, Drama, Heights, Drugs, Theft, Clubbing, Big Crowds, Working, Dark Chocolate!

 

write me if you think the same or if you just wanna say hi :) hi

i often wonder why im single and cant find someone to love me, i notice most everyone on this site that is bi-polar also has a lover or bf/gf/husband/wife... how can this be. whenever i had a womanthey got tired of me being sad alot and either i left them or they cheated on me.. where is my love? where is she.. not that i cant wait b/c its been 4 yrs since i even had a hug from a woman but i often wonder why me.. im one of the most sweetest caring funniest men around.. i guess most woman want a man with a future.. which i dont have at this moment..

love or money

most choose money

i choose love

i can love u better then most anyone but i cant work b/c my back kills me and my mind tells me im worthless.

any idea's?

patience i know .. that 1 woman that will love me is out there, i just got to be patient..

i dunno why i keep taking all the space on this site for my diary but o well lol someone tell me to shutup first :P

i wrote earlier about being broke, i found someways to make $40 today and hopefullythat should last me another 5 days. im going out now to find a cheap dinner that will hold me good till tomarrow, i will be back soon and hope to spend my friday night chatting & helping others on mdjunction. if u feel like chatting to a nice guy hit me up. i listen well if u need a listener :) and i can make u smile if u need a laugh.. be back soon. hope to see some replies. but if not its ok to. i love this site <-------- even though im neglectings others for it.. i am a head admin for a social networking site online, 1 of 5 people who admin 35,000 chatrooms.. i spend most my day helping others with technical issues online free, i volunteer all my time for that but in the last week ive put that off to learn about myself... which is worth it :) one of these days ill post the website so others can see how fun it is to live cam chat with people from all walks of life.. and no its not a sex site lol PG13 anyways be back soon 

i dont think i've heard of this much yet but i bet many people are like me.. addicted to the internet. the internet kills any hopes i have in so many ways.

i sit here day after day after day after years now and i got thousands of friends and everything is beautiful online.. yet if i could put all the attention into my real life that i put online into making friends, that i will probaly never even meet or truely know anyways.. imagine if we didnt have the *internet* my life i could honestly say might be easier. yet it might be harder to.

the internet has made lazy people more lazy

the internet have made people not leave there homes for days on end

the internet is like a drug all in its own.

someone needs to make a internet addiction group

i love the internet i really do, but it stops me from being social

i am everything online i wish i was in the real world

in the real world is were all my diseases happen... grrrrr

ty for the internet yet lets find better ways to help ourselves 

maybe virtual reality is next, when i need someone to talk to or when im sick, maybe you just think and the doctor will show up and save you.. now that i could get addicted to and enjoy :) think coffee, ohh and heres your coffee... lol my mind is amazing 

1 last thing before i go out of this hole for a bit

i asked my mom the other night if she would join this website

when i was 14-15 she used to take me to tough love meetings.

i hatedit back then but wished now she would take me again

she says she dont know how to help me now,

she says your an adult now , you got to help yourself

this is were everything goes to hell.. i just wanna die honestly

i dont know were/how/or what to do to help myself

is it ok that my mom doesnt want to join this site, she doesnt want to help me, she only wants to love me and call me everyday and see how iim doing

what i want is her to help me find help, but she continues to say i cant help you, only you can help yourself... to me thats selfish

if i ever had kids id help them as much as i knew how.. am i wrong for this?

i know im 29 i know im an adult... but that dont mean shit

I NEED HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i need my mom to know what why i hurt

i wish i could call my father and talk to him about my issues but he would hang up, he tells me, we dont talk about those kinda things... and thats that... thats why i never call him... he wasnt born in america, he dont understand how it is growing up in america.. it is very difficult to be a kid in america.. u either fight & bust through all the people pushing u down... or u sit back and find drugs to suppress the fears... which is where i turned

people used to beat me up all the times, i never had many friends and the ones i had werent worth a shit anyways.. so thats it for now

i feel if i write here atleast someone will know how i feel

it would be great if it was someone who loved me to know how i feel but that isnt gonna happen as of now all i have is u people... which honestly helps alot

thank you

hugs to anyone in need 

in live do people go for what they want, or what they need..

i know what i need, its on my mind 24/7

i just dont do it... why? wanting is so much easier then doing

i got to overcomethis if i ever wanna be anyone

i always want want want from myself of course, i dont need anyone really

but getting to that point to were u want to be is like a dream..

i live in a little town with lots of friends who use pot for medical reasons

theres no work here even if i could work

theres nothing but orange tree's horses & land for miles

i left los angeles for this b/c the big city scares me

but what i want is

to move back to my moms in washington, she even wants me to move in with her, to help her fall asleep she says, she says she cant sleep without me telling her to goto bed.. lol funny how things work

the reason im not there is b/c i get angry easy when im near my mom. i feel like she needs me to do things for her that she needs to do for herself, she is overweight. she always says josh can u grab me a water from the fridge, josh can u take the trash out, job can u wash my car, josh can u do this that.. all i say is mom u need to do it on your own so u dont die.. if u sit on ur butt all day ur going no were in life... i do , do something for her like fix broken things and protect her and all that good stuff, but what next

 do i stay where i live now with no one & nothing but myself to consitrate on 24/7 or do i run again, always running away from my problems, do i run to washington and try and be sober & help my mom before she passes away & i regret even more...

 

thats want vs needs

its a hard one, who knows.. i guess i live for today only, what happens tomarrow only god knows even though i dont believe in god... am i in denile to?? grrrr

hell for me that is

im broke, not even enough money for food

i do these things to myself every month, this is why i hate ssi

i used to make 900 a week now i got to live on 900 month

it sucks big time and its depressing to

anyways, i needed to vent alittle.. atleast i got my pain meds

but as far as cash for 6 days i dunno what im gonna do

this isnt something new, this happens every month at the end

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr if only i could win the lotto i could over come my sadness and help others in need, cant win if u dont buy :D hehe