|Jan 01 2009|
I was doing fine...but apparently that was just a short spell. I appear to do very well until something that I consider to be very stressful or hurtful happens. For instance, my husbandwas asked to be in a wedding party of a friend of his. I know this friend and have met his soon wife to be and parts of his family once or twice, but I don't really know any of them. With this I instantly felt afraid of being left all alone during the wedding and most of the reception. I know how weddings work...been to plenty of them. If my husband is in the wedding party he will have to go to the church in the limousine, be in the wedding (obviously) and then go with the wedding party to get pictures done while the guests head to the reception. This is all being held on my husbands old stomping grounds an hour away. So not only will I know no one, but I'll have to drive to the wedding and reception by myself in an area I'm no where in remotely familiar with. (This idea actually scares me....I hate getting lost). Then while the guest are waiting at the reception for the wedding party to arrive I'm left alone in a room full of strangers. Not to mention my huband would be seated at the head table so again, I'm put at a table by myself with a bunch of people I don't know. This also scares me. I have become a very isolated individual. I don't know if it's part of the disorder, or just who I've become. I used to be very outgoing but lately I can't stand the idea of being around people I don't know and I have a fear of trying to talk to them. I just don't know how to make small talk and because I am so uncomfortable it just scares me.
My husband has told me that this is important to him and while I want to be completely ok with it all....I am not. I've made up my mind that if he needs to be in the wedding party I will not go. I don't want to go and make a scene because I cannot hide my feelings and everyone will see just how miserable I am. The idea of not being able to go upsets me too. It's not like I'm his girlfriend, or I'm a single lady....I am married and your spouse is who you're supposed to go with for things like this. He is incredibly angry and hurt because I won't budge on how I feel about this, but I can't budge...I tried...no matter how I spin it I don't feel comfortable about it.
Then there's this one other little issue. I had to rush to marry my husband because of a particular legal issue he was involved in. I sacrificed my dream wedding, my bridal shower and bachelorette party, and a honeymoon. Not to mention I never got a formal proposal. All these things I have learned to accept, but none the less, they still hurt deep down. The idea of watching my husband walk down the isle for someone before he's done it for me, his own wife, just hurts me to the core of my being. I've never seen my husband in a tux, and would hate for the 1st time to be for someone other then me. I'm a dancer, but my husband is not. In fact, he refuses to dance and has turned down my offers multiple times. When in a wedding party they have all the groomsmen and bridesmaids dance with each other and that will, more then all things mentioned above, kill me to watch.
All of this has eaten away at me and made me a angry bitter hurt person all over again. My husband and I have been fighting long and hard over this one subject and it's thrown us right back into the old rut we used to be in. I'm sooooo disappointed in myself too. I thought I was over the hump...but apparently I am not.
Well, back to the drawling board I guess.
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