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My journey to stability

These entries are the events or feelings that are important for me to document.

I seriously married an asshole! (twice)

Dec 02 2010

Granted he as Asperger's but damn! He has no regard for other peoples feelings and just does not GET emotions. I am at my lowest of lows today and he yells at me asking if I am ok tobe with the kids, because if something happens to them I will have to leave! He continues to say he has been putting things on hold between us since his needs are not being met because he knows I am seeing a doctor and my meds are not right!

First of all the kids are always with me, he works nights. He is not the nurturing type and we have girls. They both fear him since he is the enforcer,and financial provider only. Second, my needs are far from being met. I am an emotional wreck and I have to FORCE myself to work, cook, clean and nurture our kids all by myself. He is a internet gamer so when he is home he goes to his cave plays world of the warcraft for HOURS! leaving me to deal with out mentally retarded 11 year old and a 2 year old.

It is so easy for me to just say to hell with it and check out all together. I am totally dependent on him financially,so when he says things like that I feel like I have no alternative or no way out. When I was cycling I was blaming him for everything and he was the enemy in my mind. I was very paranoid. Then we we realized I was sick he had a disorder also, it was a moment that strengthen our marriage and we knew what we were facing to stick it out, we could totally understand each other it ALL made sense. so I stopped seeing him as the enemy but as an ally, his words today took all that away. Let me just add we married and divorced and remarried again, what a freaking ride it has been!

Previous diary posts by Imnutz:

Small weight lifted off my shoulders
One of those days!
Not waiting!
Alcohol leading me into depression?
Much Better Now

Stressed to the MAX!
Waiting is so hard!
Blood work done
Lamital not for me

Comments (3) Add Comment

written by mizundrstd28, December 02, 2010

WOW, I kind of envy you. my husband left me in one of my worst episodes. the doctor felt that it had gotten really bad and it wasnt safe for him to be around me so he advised him just to leave for a while(he was my main trigger at the time) and let me get stabile first before we started trying to get me completely right. well, he took that and ran with it. never looked back, bought another house and is just not the person that i have loved since the age of 12, but yet i meant my vows and still am inlove with my husband. i want my family and i have been the strong one the whole time thru our lives. even when he was going thru things , thats why i just cant understand why he cant just be there for me in my one time of real need right now. its not fair to me.i feel so abandoned and left for dead. we share our son and with my hours that i have to work plus second job and any overtime i can get, i barely have time. all this while keeping up with my appointments, taking my meds on a strict time basis and trying not to go into another episode. its hard. its so hard and i cant take it some time.

written by Joy75, December 03, 2010

You are having a rough time right now, I'm sorry. With your Lamictal being taken away and you having to start over, this makes it much harder on you. I'm sorry he has made these comments. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing a fine job of it. You have two children that depend on you, so get yourself well first and worry about the two of you later. You are the first priority right now. You will get out of this hole and be well soon.

written by notreally, December 08, 2010

I have a nephew with Aspergers and I can see where that would come in at times. He really is a sweet kid most of the time and is doing much better with therapy, but he doesn't totally get emotions. What he finds relevant or humorous is sometimes so off from what everyone else in the room experiences and he just stares blankly quite often when everyone else is laughing.

He lives in a very black and white world and can get very angry when the boundaries he believes in are crossed. The thing is, before he had those boundaries defined he was far worse. He was failing in school, lashing out all the time, angry, pacing, screaming, throwing things. Now he is pulling virtually straight A's is in regular classes and handling it, has made friends. He still can't handle gray areas, but he handles life so much better.
I have a small glimmer how hard it must be to be married to your husband, hopefully the good side is there too. Don't take one night and overgeneralize it into everything. It is probably being unfair to him and is definitely being unfair to you.