|Aug 16 2011|
Here is a little update on everything. I always like to be able to look back and see the times I was struggling to cope the most. This isn't quite that bad, but notable.
It seems like everythingthese past couple weeks has been aimed at shaking me up. It started last mid-week when I started having panic waves increase while staying with my grandmother. I used to go over there, take a nap, do my schoolwork, etc., until one of parents came. But lately I've stayed in one spot working the heck out of word puzzles. By the time I leave, my neck is stiff, my back hurts, and I am drained from fighting my demons. Coming home is the biggest joy I feel.
I was hoping the weekend would have given me a chance to "restart" so-to-speak. But I worked myself into an attack Sunday evening. I spent that night in prayer and was able to make it through Monday with little more than a few small waves I kept under. Today was a little harder. Two family members visited while I was there. They talk about some of the weirdest things: heart attacks, snake bites, murders, foot problems and everything else to work me up.
Tomorrow my aunt and grandmother will have to leave to go to an appointment and neither of my parents can be with me. So it'll be me, my uncle (who used to scare me intentionally as a child until I cried and I am still uncomfortable around him), and my little cousin who will be asleep until afternoon. Not a single safe person. I am so worried.
Then to top it off, my dad will be going out of town Thurday and won't be back until 8:00pm Friday. He's the one I usually rely on to call when I am nervous because he drives a truck around town and I like to think he could be there in a few minutes if there was an emergency. But he will be three hours away and no one will be around to comfort me.
I know if I can make it through this week, it'll pay off. I know these challenges come and I get stronger when I make it through. I know this while I'm sitting on my own couch with my dog and cat and a nice cold root beer. But not so much anywhere else. It's times like these I forget all the little petty problems I make for myself when I'm on the plateu and everything is normal. I don't think about how I can't drive, or work, or date, or hang out. None of that really matters to me. What matters is that I make it through until Friday night. That's it. It's good in a way because I focus on the important things instead of the trivial.
Anyways, if anyone reads this besides me, I would appreciate it if you remembered me when you go before the Lord in prayer. Thank you and God bless each of you.
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