My Journey of Personal growth

I dont know if you want to read anymore of my drama but here goes,lol. I'm leaving to see Terri in the morning...so 5 hours or so. I spoke to her just a few minutes ago.

I get so freaking nervous talking to that woman sometimes,lol. She didn't say it but I think that there's even more of an issue with me staying there....she asked me if I could get a hotel instead of staying at her house. I told her I can't afford it so she backed off. Then she said something about the sleeping arrangements....apparently the couch isn't good enough. She asked if I could sleep up in one of the kids rooms upstairs!! I told her I didn't feel comfortable sleeping so close to the kids, and that they'd stay up half the night wanting to talk if I did. Their rooms are a huge mess too. She says they don't like seeing me on the couch.... I didn't hear that last time I was there tho. It all sounded fishy. She wouldn't suggest a hotel unless rueben (her bf) had said something. idk...

I wrote terri an email which she got b4 we talked tonight btw. I'll paste it...."Hey Terri =) I know that you were busy today with Rueben and his mother so I decided to email instead of going to ur phone. I'm all packed up, and ready to go for tomorrow. I got some small gifts for ya'll. I know you'll like what I got btw =) I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. My feeling on this trip is that we'll make of it what we choose. We can choose to make it uncomfortable and crappy, or we can choose to have fun and spend some close time together with the kids. I'd rather try to embrace the new friendship we have even more, rather then be awkward due to what we used to have with each other. I'll do my best to keep that in mind, and if there comes a point where I feel weird I'll tell you and go out for a walk or something. I don't expect it to be like last time though. I feel different this time. I'm coming up as a good friend, and I want to smile, and laugh, and swim, and bike ride, and give ya'll nice big hugs,lol. 

I fully expect you to go out at times with Rueben btw. When you do please do it respectfully though. I'd like you be upfront if you go out. It would make me feel better. Don't take that the wrong way btw <3 I don't want to keep 'tabs' on you. I really don't want any issues to come up due to my visit. I'm very sensitive to that. I don't want to hurt things btwn you two. He might tell you that he's ok with a trip but I bet he'd rather I wasn't there staying at our house. I'm still an ex...Just let me know if there are any issues. I'll stay only as long as you allow me to. It's always been your decision wether I visit or not.

The thing that would make me feel bad would be if I'm ignored or if you didn't want to spend time with me and the kids. I want all of us to at least go to the beach or out to eat at least once. I know that you need time alone and to rest at times and that's ok. I just don't want to feel like the trip was a mistake. That's my greatest fear right now. I don't want to feel like a fool for driving to see everyone. I want to feel like my time is important to you. I want to be able to talk with you and catch up on things. I've said this before even when we first started talking...I said that your my best friend. I still see you that way. I want to know that what you said about me being family still holds true. That's part of what I need to see for myself. I'm not going to be all emotionally heavy with you, but I am keeping my eyes open and expectations realistic. I don't expect anything from you except for you except to be pleasant, and happy to see me. That makes for a happy Taywii,lol.

I'll be there btwn 2 & 3."

She had questions about what being respectful to me entailed. So I told her that if me and the kids are all awake and she decided to go see rueben after dinner perhaps, then I'd like her to tell me so, and about how long she'll be. I asked it of her out of respect for me, and also because the kids sometimes try to rat her out or ask "where's mom". I'd rather she tell me rather then hearing things from them. Honesty is gold to me and she knows it. I said I didn't care if she sees him for coffee in the morning tho. I don't need to know. If the kids are asleep, and I'm in my undies then who cares if she sees him for a few mins. He works during the week anyway so Terri doesn't do coffee much with him anyway.

She asked about keeping my eyes open as well...she didn't know what I meant...I told her that depending on how things felt, and how she  , reuben & I felt about things would determine if this would be the last time she saw me or not....She didn't like that very much and told me not to  decide how my visit affects her relationship. She said she'd tell me strait out if it did, and for me to please NOT assume things.  She says not to assume how she feels, and that if there IS an issue she's verbally tell me. She told me that it sounded like I was expecting to never see her again. I just said that I wasn't trying to make choices for her, but yes that I'm seeing how things go....she seemed maybe a little upset about maybe not seeing me again. It's hard to say though...I told her I didn't want to end the friendship...she said she didn't want to end it either.

so that's it.....I'm gonna get some sleep then head out. This is going to be interesting.