Toxic

For the last 2 weeks+ since I visited my ex and the kids I haven't been able to get a hold on T for more then a couple minutes. I've been wanting to talk to her about a lot of things, and justto see her on skype, and talk normally. I've had a lot of things going on that would be fun to share, and are important to me. I want to know how she's doing too.

 I wanted to talk to her about my beach trip (which I posted about in the anxiety forum), and my new job which I had my 1st day of orientation for today...She told me (in an email yesterday) she really wanted to hear about my trip, and work today...I had been looking forward to finally seeing and talking with her...It's been so long :(

 Once I got home I went on msn and she said hi...but then it started taking 10 minutes in btwn replies from her, and all I got was a couple words in reply...then she decides to go clean and doesn't tell me, so after 15 minutes I left, and wrote her an email telling her how she had made me feel. I told her I was upset and hurt... I felt disrespected, and invisible to her. I said she does this to me repeatedly and knows it hurts but does it anyway even if its unintentional. She makes me feel like my time and what I want to share is unimportant.

 So after I wrote the email I msged her phone to go READ the email. I needed action NOW, not later. I wanted an explanation for why she was treating me the way she was. I said, the kids are gone...your alone, so get on skype and talk to me!....

 So she came on skype, but didn't talk. She wasn't looking me in the eyes even. I talked to her about how I felt again, and we tried to rectify things....Then after just a couple minutes on skype, she tells me she has to go clean.  I got emotional as I spoke to her and said "Ok, if that's what you want to tell me". I saw her text on her phone as we spoke, and so I called her out. I told her strait up that I thought the reason she 'had to go' wasn't to clean but because her bf was coming over for the night and she didn't want me to know. I told her that I didn't care if she had him over, but that I need to be respected as a friend. I need a half hour or an hr a week just to catch up...she isn't working and school is done. She admitted to not having much to do too. She's being a horrible hurtful friend to me right now I feel. It's even worse cuz she didn't even realize it.

 I feel like the intimate close talks we had about talking once I went back home, and keeping each other in the loop etc was a lot of crap. She even got emo, and teary when we spoke b4 I left. I feel like she forgot that pretty damn fast. It's extremely hurtful to me the way she hasn't made any time to even say hi. I don't like getting emotional and hurt b4 she will talk to me. That's what it's come to lately tho. I'm not even unstable 95% of the time. I'm doing good actually. She just pushes my emotions, and makes me feel worthless and because I still care for her as a friend and former lover it cuts deep. We were super close to each other.

I don't even know what to say to her anymore, or if I'll even speak to her again anytime soon.