My Insanity.

How is it possible.. How can i feel giddy yet empty. Smothered yet alone. Content but searching for more. I feel like I am a walking contradiction. Over the years i have trained myself. Make others smile, keep a smile on my face and cover any emotions. I feel like an actress in my own life story that i really have no control over.  I tend to joke about things that  bother me. Laugh when i should cry. Never trusting anyone, yet putting full faith in someone to save me. I know I can't fully depend upon anyone but myself, yet i search for someone to help me. My heart is like a rock. No one can get in, yet i long for love. I feel like i destroy anyone that gets close to me, yet I want them to take the chance. i think i subconsicouly enjoy this. Idk. I dont want to hurt people, yet i dont want to hurt either, but everyday i feel like my heart has been ripped out when nothing bad has happend. I feel like i relive my worse break up. I have a guard up, I can't stand the thought of anyone getting past my hard exterior, yet i pray that someone gets a pick axe and chissels away at it. I know this doesn't make sense, but its how i feel. My feelings dont make sense.