|Oct 17 2009|
You know the first line of the song 'Silence' by Simon and Garfunkel? 'Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again'. That kinda sums it up. I am in a really darkplace right now. Feeling lower than I thought possible. The treatment is going okay. I feel exhausted and have a constant headache and tummy upset, but it is not so bad, not as bad as I had thought it would be. It is the mental state which is bad. I feel so lonely. Missing Jon more than ever. I have tried talking myself out of it- 'come on you silly old bat, get over it and get on with it!' but it doesn't help, not really. Does it ever get better than this? Will there be a day where I won't wake up missing him, where he won't be constantly on my mind and when I do not wish for a miracle to bring him home?
I have thought a lot about going home recently. I want my mum. I feel so isolated here in Hampshire. I have very few friends and all of them seem to be loved up in relationships. Even my flatmate has found someone, so he is not around much any more. I am trying to keep bouncy for Sarah, but she is so independent now, it is lovely to see her so grown up, sitting talking on her cell phone! But it only adds to my sense of isolation, of being obsolete. Useless.
I need to pull myself together. This cannot carry on. I was talked in to joining a dating agency recently. Perhaps time to put a bit of effort in.
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