Abject Misery |
Oct 17 2009 |
You know the first line of the song 'Silence' by Simon and Garfunkel? 'Hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again'. That kinda sums it up. I am in a really darkplace right now. Feeling lower than I thought possible. The treatment is going okay. I feel exhausted and have a constant headache and tummy upset, but it is not so bad, not as bad as I had thought it would be. It is the mental state which is bad. I feel so lonely. Missing Jon more than ever. I have tried talking myself out of it- 'come on you silly old bat, get over it and get on with it!' but it doesn't help, not really. Does it ever get better than this? Will there be a day where I won't wake up missing him, where he won't be constantly on my mind and when I do not wish for a miracle to bring him home?
I have thought a lot about going home recently. I want my mum. I feel so isolated here in Hampshire. I have very few friends and all of them seem to be loved up in relationships. Even my flatmate has found someone, so he is not around much any more. I am trying to keep bouncy for Sarah, but she is so independent now, it is lovely to see her so grown up, sitting talking on her cell phone! But it only adds to my sense of isolation, of being obsolete. Useless.
I need to pull myself together. This cannot carry on. I was talked in to joining a dating agency recently. Perhaps time to put a bit of effort in.
Two Steps Forward, One Giant Leap Back
Losing My Mind
Sliding in to Week Seven
Six weeks and Getting there!
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The greiving about the relationship will take time, and you will heal in your own time. I don't know the details, but I am feeling uncoomfortable about John, and his leaving at this time.
I can tell you one story of a woman I met in a support group 20 years ago. She was a housewife in a very traditional marriage for 35 years, got cancer, and her husbnd left her alone with her illness. The cruelty of what he did is beyond my comprehension.
You are young and time is still on your side. It does get harder as we get older to find a new mate. I know when a person is young like yourself, you are feeling the intense pain of his leaving. But as you get older, it is more like a ( unwillingly resigned) feeling of disallusionments past, and having to recreate life again, despite it all. All we really have is the ability to create joy during each present moment. Be open to a creating new life while you still have the time!