Blue Tuesday

Trying again to post to my Tuesday diary.  Why oh why do I type a paragraph or so and
then POOF.    Why does mid strike, my
cursor jump to previous writtenwords and add what I am typing to the
middle.  Had so much emotion
written.  Not sure I can recreate it or
not.  Thanks, RU for the advice.  I know I was not near the arrow keys so it is
something else crazy with my key board. 
Or the Geeks at Geek squad screwed up something when replacing the hard
drive.

So it is Tuesday and I am still blue.  Part of it is waiting on Richard to get here
and fix the bathroom.  I was up early
last Tuesday and he was a no show. 
Apparently this is the same thing, no show.  Going to call in a bit.  It is ridiculous that we've lived in this
cheap house but have endured such squalor. 
Wish my plans had worked out and we would have been moved by now.  Wish Jim had not gotten sick, nor nearly died
nor had months of rehabilitation. 
Wishing Medicaid were such pricks and had given him the care he needed
months ago.  Why has the federal
government been so quick to help and grant the disability (even if no money
because of the self employment) and send Medicare card, even though not good
until November 1?  At least it happened!  I am still filling out the same damn forms
for Medicaid; the same disability sheets, and income verifications.  Truly believe they are waiting for Medicare
to kick in and deny him state coverage. 
We are poor and he is extremely ill. 
We've both always worked, and paid our taxes.  Now, he can't work and for the most part,
until he is fully rehabilitated, I can't work either. 

The ladies at group prayed over me last night.  Thought it would help but not really.  Still blue. 
Still  down in the dumps.  Heather posted on Twitter from Perry
Noble.  "worry is not believing in God's
promise."  Can I be a Christian and a
realist at the same time?  It is
impossible, even with medical care covered that we can live off his retirement
alone.  I'm afraid to leave him for a
weekend.  Can I go back to work and leave
him day after day?  What about doctor
appointments?  It just makes me sick to
my stomach.  I pray and pray and
pray.  So far, nothing has worked.  Jill asked last night, why if he is doing  so well now, 
why am I so overwhelmed?  Maybe
because I can be?  Finally time that the
crisis has passed so I can allow myself fear? 
It's 8 o'clock so time to call Richard? 
Really afraid I'm going to blow and then he'll find a reason to break our
lease.  Let's face it..........he'd have to do major
work to get any other tenant in here any way and we've got a ten year payment
history of never being late.   Seldom do
we call for repairs.  Jim has always
fixed nearly everything!  The floors are
great because we paid Jon to install them. 
The walls are painted because I saw a need and took care of it.  The yard is landscaped because at one time,
gardening was my hobby.  Looked at the
flower beds this morning.  Grass needs to
be pulled but I just can't do it.  One of
the sign of depression.....doing what you love then having no passion to do it
any more?