My Hunny Bunny

What this site means to me.  When we receive good news, can't wait to post it.  When the news is not so good, gotta post and see if anyone else has experienced it.  Time to rant.....writing is a great way to vent.  The times that seem to mean the most are when I feel my knowledge and experience may help someone else.  It's so easy to get caught up in oneself (or...

since I felt like writing in my diary.  Jazz and I did go on the cruise.  It was fun but I worried how things were at home.  Jim was fine.  His sister came by and spent a night.  Our son was with him often.  He complained too many people called or checked in on him.  Never got a break.  He's trying to stop the fentanyl patch  which to me is ridic...

Our baby girl has graduated summa cum laude and as a Highland scholar.  (with honors)  Weather wasn't great but it was held outside.  I arranged in advance for disability services for Jim so we parked in the nearest parking lot and a golf cart met us to take us to special setting.  Not too much a stress on him though after a week wore him out.  All day Sunday, he sl...

Been five days since our huge argument and I am still in a funk.  Exercise is helping.  It would be so easy to blame things on HE but in truth, I do know it's just personality that I normal tolerate but when in such mood, tend to lash out.  Yesterday shopping, he mentioned the shorts we bought last summer.  Mind you, he lost 60 pounds.  We bought possible ten pairs...

Having online tests results is a blessing and a curse.  Yet another set of results posted this morning.  Fibrosure  91%.  Guess cirrhosis is for sure.  Minimum score on necroinflammatory.  GGT is high.  Alpha 2-macroglobulins is high and haptoglobin is low.  That one is indicative of hemolytic anemia.  Surprisingly is bilirubin is normal.  It...

What do you know......Jim's in a good place and I finally went to the doctor with some long standing problems.  Funny for me to stop and take the time and effort.  It is difficult as he has medicare now.  (age 65 in November)  I still do not have insurance.  Fortunately our state has a program for women 50 and older to have pelvic exam and mammogram done.  Had...

The hepatologist's words yesterday.  Guess at first he thought I was the daughter or something.  He eventually asked Jim if he lived alone.  That is when we realized he did not know I was the wife.  Jim said he had one "hot mama" and then the doc said he had an angel.  I thought it was sweet.  So many things to write about and this laptop has a funky...

Up early and cannot sleep.  Still gathering documents and writing questions to ask the doctor.  Guess I just want to be prepared for anything.  My best hope is to say he is eligible for a transplant however he's way to healthy at present to even list.  Of course you can't always get what you want.  Jillie is worried about him surviving a transplant and the recov...

So how does a liver go from normal to cirrhotic in three years?  I was hoping for something in all the early testing to find out if Jim had internal bleeding as the cause of his anemia.  Even the liver scan in 2008 said NORMAL.  No fat!  No thickening.  I remember Dr. K's words...."the only definitive test would be biopsy but he's a bleeding risk and all th...

So many people we know need transplants.  Not just liver transplants either.  Tricia, from Audrey's church, is in need of a second lung transplant due to complications of cystic fibrosis.  Young woman with so much love for Jesus and in love with Nathan she risked her life to have a child.  Amazing she made it the first time and now, as she grows so weak, can she even sur...

It's been one year since Jim received his diagnosis of cirrhosis.  Unfortunately his was admitted to the hospital, battling a blood infection and sepsis when he got that information.  Literally the infection was so bad, they were not worried about his liver; only battling the infection.  While doing an endoscopic heart test, a varice had ruptured and he needed a transfusion o...

Nothing yet on the transplant evaluation.  Nothing yet from medicaid office.  Nothing yet on the house we would like to rent.  Just sitting and waiting.  We were able to look inside the house on Monday.  It's HUGE!  From the outside, looks like a small ranch.  Inside it looks fine until you realize it's a full attic with real stairs as opposed to pull...

Jim saw Dr. Lawson on Tuesday.  He said that his nurse would call by the end of the week with information regarding liver transplant evaluation.  It's Saturday and have not heard a thing!  Jim's new insurance has started a new house call service to his plan.  A provider is coming out on Monday to meet him and discuss how this works.  Plan to ask transplant quest...

Feel like our life has been on hold until this week.  Thought we'd know so much concerning Jim's health and then, find a place to move to the mountains. Well we know Jim's doctor finally is going to make arrangements for a transplant evaluation.  No idea wen it will be scheduled or anything concerning his insurance. Social services was supposed to have a final determinatio...

Things certainly change quickly.  I was actually happy for nearly two days?  Then life smacks you back in the face.  Jim does not qualify for medicaid.  Nope......not that he's not sick enough; he is.  Not that is is not considered disabled; he is.  Not that we aren't poor enough; we are.  Twenty some years ago when Jim managed a sand plant, two mobile...

Just had the best day I’ve had in months. Perhaps best day in more than a year.  I finally spend a day about me.  Yes, I know I’ve done other things but nothing ever felt like me and a bit self-indulgent.  Went to a cooking a cooking class at one of my favorite restaurants and it was fantastic!  My knees are paying for it now…..five hours...

My federal grant money for school has been stopped.  Apparently I have too many credits without receiving my degree.  Does not matter that my father or me paid for most of them!  Stupid community college rule.  I'll have my certification in EHR but without at least an associates degree, will not matter much.  Going to file an appeal but may have to transfer to a four y...

Yep...an odd diary title but that is what brought Jim and I together about 30 years ago.  His sons were wrestling in the city tournament and he invited me to come watch.  I thought a friendly gesture and ended up dating his brother for a few weeks before I realized his true intentions.  (and knew which was the better brother!)    We ended up together and even planned ou...

Jim's been with his hematologist for more than five years.  During most of that time, we had no insurance yet Dr. A never refused to see him or demand up front payment.  When trying to find the cause of Jim's anemia, he arranged for other providers to see Jim and either write off the balance or let us make payments.  He's always allowed time we need for all my questio...

Had my weekend away from Jim.  The first 24 hours were great.  Much needed rest and relaxation.  The second 24 hours, either the bad luck to pick up a stomach virus or the anxiety of worrying about him at home was too much for me.  Terrible stomach problems, insomnia the final night and so very happy to be home with him on Sunday.  The saying is true....distance makes t...

I passed my first certification test for HIT Pro.  That stands for Health Information Technology Professional.  I took the trainer's test first and passed.  My certification should help lead to a job in helping to switch our healthcare over to electronic medical records.  I should be thrilled but wondering what kind of curve the test was based.  Clearly I did not kn...

Perhaps it's because Jim is so well and I do not have to be so strong.  Depression has wrapped it's ugly arms around me and will not let go.  Do not know what to do and it feels as if I'll never smile again.  Just so tired of everything.  Normally love Jim's hep doc. We were gone a few days to take our daughter back to college.  Get home and there is a l...

I can journal again!  On top of all the things 2013 has brought, my laptop hard drive failing, for the second time, was just another blip in life.  Went back to a desk top, all in one.  Jim is not computer literate.  Well....this thing has a giant, 23 inch screen and very simple to operate.  Can finally bring him into the 21st century!  If he can read on his own, a...

Finally the day for Jim's medicaid appeal hearing is here.  Of course I've been sick the past week and have not done anything else in regards to pulling together information.  Social services dropped the ball.  One case worker did not take care of paperwork and we've been in medical and financial hell every since.  Thank God and the charity of so many that have kept...

My motto for the new year.  More Joy and of course, better health.  Without joy and health, your life is not really that important.  Last night was a good night.  Jim took a nap and we both stayed up to watch the ball drop.  That's twice in the past few days I made it to midnight.  (watch Dark Knight Rises Jillie's last night home)  We had fun.  It a...

2012 passed so quickly, but when your significant other began the year ill, nearly died several times, and spent the remainder rehabbing, it makes for quite the year.  The year began with Jim weak from the bad iron infusion reaction and still quite anemic.  January had weekly infusions.  February was an off month to see if the treatments worked, which did not.  March, back t...

The shock of last week's.."I'm selling the home you've lived in" has worn off but still dominates my thoughts.  It actuality, it is a good thing as I know we need to move but wanted it to be my decision....not his.  Wish I had finished my school prior to thinking about moving.  We have the sweetest son in the world.  He has asked his roommates would the...

Jim and I were fortunate 10 and a half years ago.  Little  money and live in a city that has less than reputable areas in which to raise children.  His boss at the time, bought a house we were interested in, and we had a home, though small and run down, in a nice neighborhood and the kids could walk to school.  Fast forward 10+ years and this man now wants to sell the home.&nbs...

Completed one final exam with a 98.7% grade.  My presentation was a success last night.  Some of the pressure is off me.  Even managed to take a Zumba class at the gym this morning.  I need to work on me.  The past eight months I've burned out and realized this morning, how my perpetual bad mood has effected Jim.  His paranoia is worse.  Every since his frien...

School work and studies is getting to me.  So many papers, projects, presentations due and I am burned out.  This on top of figuring out Medicare and Jim's coverage; the prescription coverage; and trying to get Social Services to give me an answer on Medicaid.  He just doesn't understand I get tired, frustrated, and frankly, depressed.  No, I am not the one dying but...

Our ordeal formally began eight months ago today, with the diagnosis of sepsis and cirrhosis.  I had no idea what the next few days would entail, much less the next few months.  Today, we areback to normal, as much as cirrhosis will let you lead a normal life.  I've put up the Christmas tree and wrapped gifts.  These are tasks I normally do by myself, but this year, Jim is...

Surgery went surprisingly well with no complications.  Jim had to go back to eye doctor this afternoon for a check up and the doc was surprised his vision has already improved so much within hoursof his surgery.  It should improve more after full healing.  Jim tripped and fell in the yard yesterday afternoon.  Hard head would not wait for me to go out and get his boots from the...

We survived Thanksgiving with ALL the People!  Some of our relatives brought friends, as if we did not have enough family!  My sweet nephew made about as much food as me.  Everything wasgreat.  Jim was quiet but seemed pleased by everything.  Jim's sister is dating a man that is training to be a minister.  He offered thanks.  He did not mention we are so grat...

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.  As with Father's Day....the guest list keeps growing and Jim is beginning to feel overwhelmed even though there is nothing for him to do but sit, eat, and watch TheAvengers on our son's giant TV.  Our place is way too small, even for our children and grandchildren.  Jarred moved into a large home with three roommates and graciously offered his home...

Thankfully, I regained my spiritual self long before Jim fell ill five years ago.  We were brought up in a Southern Baptist home and for awhile, we were in church five nights a week.  Aftermy father and his wife moved away, my sister and I did not feel right at church without our "family" with us.  Like so many others, we strayed.  When Jim and I got engaged, we we...

Another death on the cirrhosis board.  I cannot stop crying.  Seven months ago, did not know this place existed.  Cirrhosis was only a word.  These things did not touch my life.  Now, our world is upside down and there are so many people that are important to me and I share my feelings where those in my day to day life have no clue.  We rejoice when there is good n...

Got up and went to Pilates yesterday.  Normally, exercise makes me feel great and I can totally loose myself.  Not yesterday.  Came home depressed when energized on the way to the gym.  Jim and I looked into a cheaper health club but it's true......you get what you pay for!  Looking into the Y tomorrow.  We do not have the money for us both to work out at my pr...

All of Jim's doctors have stated how well he is doing.  They are surprised he looks so good; has recovered so well.  His numbers are really good.  To look at his blood counts, it onlyseems he's slightly anemic.  He is taking all his medicines regularly.  Eating fairly well.  Now, he does not seem to have as much appetite but has some dental issues and until he...

(&(&^#@%**&&(*&)*)*___!!!!! Medicaid in the city of Portsmouth!!!!!!  Filed three times for Jim beginning a year ago!  First time...we had too much money.  (yeah right!)  On a spend down to become eligible.  Proceed past spend down and apply again.  This time, he's not sick enough!  Found this out as he was fighting for his life, ICU.&n...

This had to be one of the costliest and ugliest political battles I remember.  America voted, the president stays in office.  When will people get over it and try and unite as in the nameof our country?  UNITED States?  Had Romney won, I would have supported him, the same as Obama.  Wonder how many people remember their civics classes and the President really cannot do...

I do not know sometimes if Jim does not realize what is happening, if perhaps HE is taking effect, or if he is just in denial.  He told his sister last night, alcohol did not cause his cirrhosis.  No clue where he got that idea!  In March, you are nearly dead, stop drinking and doing great in November?  No cause and effect going on?  Hate always correcting him but he's...

So.....after a year of applying and getting denied (with no denial letter actually sent for me to file an appeal) I talk to a rep at Social Security who s; ays she declared Jim medically disabled on September13, 2012.  She sent her determination to Portsmouth Social Services.  I've yet to hear anything from Social Services.  Supposedly we were cleared financially back in June, 2...

I think most are out of harms way with the exception of RU.  (praying for everyone)  We are near the coast in Virginia and the storm is just beginning to blow.  It's been a hassle thepast few days preparing.  Jim has wanted to do more but just can't and doesn't want to admit he's not physically capable.  Our dear son was over Friday, securing outside furnit...

Netflix...the ability to watch a favorite show from beginning to end series.  The ones you've never seen and the favorites that you watched from day one.  Not sure when I started Brothersand Sisters.  I think it was when Jim was just anemic and needed the iron transfusions.  Already had watched BONES and that was 127 episodes.  Started that November last year, aroun...

So thankful we had our vacation but beginning to worry the toll it took on Jim.  He's been so tired since we returned.  He won't slow down at the same time, is looking more frail.  Jim helped our son last week for a few hours.  He slept most of Friday night and much of Saturday.  Sunday, he decided he would cut part of the grass.  Now we have a self propell...

Today's entry is not about cirrhosis.  No pain nor suffering nor upside down world.  This day, Jim and I welcomed our second son into our lives.  Due to a botched epidural, and inconsistentpain medication, I was out of it for 36 hours or so.  Did not see my beautiful baby boy hardly at all.  When the nurses would bring him to nurse, I felt guilty for holding a new b...

Let me preface I thank God Jim and I were able to make this trip and he's not had any setbacks.  We've enjoyed some alone time and much rest and relaxation.  Can't help but thinkof all the times we have spent on the beach and the changes cirrhosis has made in our lives!  

 

Thank you, Cirrhosis.  I could take a walk on the beach by myself. ...

We made it!  Writing while looking out over the Atlantic Ocean.  The flight wasn't too bad, with the exception of getting up, 2:45 am.  Requested a wheel chair for Jim and it waspretty cool by passing folks at security.  TSA took their time screening all of Jim's meds!!!!They sent it through the screener twice!  We were moved to better seats both flights. ...

Wow....we hit the six month mark this week since Jim's diagnosis.  No way I would have believed, six months ago, that Jim would be so healthy today.  (this is just before his diagnosis) Been nearly a year since he was told he was getting sicker and needed a bone marrow biopsy.  Cancer was our big fear.  Now weighing what a cancer diagnosis versus a cirrhosis diagnosis would...

Jody, Jim's son, was in town to visit.  I've had complaints because he lives in New York,  a really difficult divorce, and only visits his father about an hour, each time he'sin town.  So....was not really looking forward to this visit.  I was wrong. We had the best day visiting.  One of his friends was cooking at a Ribfest not far from our house.  Beau...

I've not seen anyone write on the subject and not sure how it would be addressed without sounding crude, vulgar, to too much information.  Yet Jim sidelined me today at Dr. Lawson's officewith the question.  Jim's been complaining of urination and not having the "stream" he should.  Dr. H ruled out prostate problems as well as UTI.  His kidney function is...

One of my daughter's scholarship committees wrote her a nasty gram on not returning a paper this summer.  A paper we did not receive thanks to our reliable post office.  Yes, some collegekids are irresponsible, but not my daughter.  Her task...a 200 word essay on responsibility.  She'll write her own but I had to write my letter, too.

 

Jim and I are on our second trip since his diagnosis.  Last time to his sister's house and a mountain lake, was good but stressful.  His doctor was worried about his blood sugar and hehad cut his arm that may need surgical assistance to close properly.  Our daughter was moving in to her first apartment and our other daughter, who is a bit of a drama queen, was visiting from C...

The complications with the exception it was caused by alcoholand he could no longer drink.  Esophageal varices, ascites, hepatic encephalopathy were not every day words.  Jim was hospitalized due to a blood infection and thr...

I’m going crazy.  Can do nothingright.  If I talk to Jim about whatever, he gets upset.  If I limit his activities, he gets angry.  If I ask him to go to the store for me,...

Wrote an entire entry today on the frustration of Jim’s diabetes diagnosisand poof….gone again.  But Microsoft office is back up and running and I can write and cut and paste.  Yeah.  Now to remember the t...

I've note posted in so long.  Took a bit of talking but got  Dr. A's office to run CMP with Jim's blood counts which were excellent.  The dip must been caused by his illnesswhen in the hospital.  Right back to nearly not anemic.  However bilirubin and AST were elevated.  I do not know why but Dr. Lawson is today.  Am noticing slight changes in persona...

Bad day, yesterday.  Just too many things going on andI cannot relax.  Plasterers showed up a 8 am and I wasn’t dressed.  Took the dog to the groomers so he’d be out of the house and they left just after te...

I’ve been in a panic since Jim was diagnosed.  First, would he survive.  Then, how are we going to live just on his social security.  Our savings will be totally depleted in a year or two.  Time...

More than a week since I wrote an entry.....wondering
if that is a good or a bad thing.  Did
make it to Corolla for the weekend.  It
was nice and all but I did worry about Jim and Jazz at home.  Too much food did I make and ended up
throwing much of it away.  Everyone asked
questions how he was and what happened. 
Too difficult...

Again, early….just   not 5 am.  When I wake up and concerned for others than myself, I know I’m on the road to my own recovery.  Heard about the shooting in Auroa, Colorado and my fear immediately was if...

Up early this morning…..I think before 5 am.  Thoughtabout what I was going to write in my journal and surprisingly, it was not about me!  Thought of all the wonderful progress Jim has made since this last trip to the hospital and ev...

Wednesday and beginning to feel better.  New small group last  night and knew only a few people in the group but isn’t that part of the journey?  To meet new people of faith?  All while retaini...

Trying again to post to my Tuesday diary.  Why oh why do I type a paragraph or so and
then POOF.    Why does mid strike, my
cursor jump to previous writtenwords and add what I am typing to the
middle.  Had so much emotion
written.  Not sure I can recreate it or
not.  Thanks, RU for the advice.  I know I was not near th...

I wrote a whole page and because this new computer sucks or because it's Monday, poof!  Vanished!  Am dumbfounded!  Just shaking my head in confusion.  Suffice to say, I wasbitchingand maybe it wasn't fit for printing.  When will folks realize I am coordinating massive care between four physicians, two therapists and keeping him safe always?  That the pro...

Losing my patience.  Losing my mind.  Just losing everything.  Jim saw Dr. Lawson on Thursday.  I guess this is the first time he was fully coherent and he's been so depressed.  Dr. Lawson said his liver is "hanging by a thread."  I like exacts!  Things like that do not mean much to me.  But it is what it is.  If he drinks again, he will d...

What is it with me and sleep?  Or lack there of?  I bet I didn't sleep four hours last night.  The boards have been so full of anger and resentment it almost seems a blessing my computeris broken and I've not had the luxury to be online as often as past.  I know I have difficulties keeping my opinion to myself at times.  For me, a PM to show displeasure or PM to an...

Jim is fine.  Getting his strength back gradually.  Blood counts are holding their own though Dr. A is watching his labs closely these next three months to see where the iron stores remain ornot.  If they drop, he'll need to repeat the iron infusions.  I had thought he was so well, he wouldn't need a hematologist any more.  Starting to get papers in the mail on Med...

Jim's been on the decrease in Fentanyl since Wednesday.  The pain is returning and he could not sleep last night.  Of course things happen on the weekend and I can't get a call in tothe doctor.  We have the 25 mcg patches.  I need her to call in the 12 mcg patches.  Do not want to start again on the 50 patches.  Way too many complications with it.  Other...

He literally looks, mentally and physically, the best since prior to his diagnosis.  If he was fully able to walk, he'd probably be better off than prior to the bone marrow biopsy.  He's eating like I've never seen him eat.  He's getting the BM's needed for toxin free.  (no longer will I just state ammonia as the potassium build up was just as bad or worse)&...

Maybe the longest record at Habor View ER.  Got there before  pm and left this morning, about 8:45.  While there, they looked at Jim for intestinal blockage and for kidney failure.  He only had one huge poop while there.  It was so bad, he woke me up to tell me he couldn't stop crapping and if it kept up, he'd dissolve into a pile of crap.  Now, they have n...

Jim's HE is spiraling out of control.  I literally chased him around the room yesterday, trying to get him to realize he's a fall risk.  He desparately wanted to sit in the little child's rocker.  Yeah....he might be that tiny but good chance he'd hit the floor.  The hiccups have been driving me crazy!  Do not know about him.   He needs his ammoni...

He saw Dr. Jackson today for the bone scan results.  He has......a broken rib on the left side.  9th rib.  It's healed or healing.  Broken tailbone.  It's healed or healing.  Disk problems at L5 S1.  Arthritis in his knees; especially the right knee.  All over inflammation.  She wants him to stay on the 50 mcg Fentanyl.  I am really worried...

Ok...so the key to no vomiting and nausea is back to the original lactulose formula.  However, no matter how much I pump in him, no bowel movements and the HE is gradually worse.  I cannot livein the same room at all time, without ever closing my eyes, to wait and see what will happen.  Close my eyes just a few minutes this afternoon, and he's back in the floor.  I do not k...

...

That about describes my father's day cookout.  He's in an unbelievable bad HE episode.  I may end up calling 911 before the night is over!  Yesterday was fine, for the most part.  Today, he was difficult to wake; refused to change clothes or eat breakfast.  Then, he threw up all his medicine.  Got him cleaned up and then again, he threw it all up once more.&nb...

Long night of confusion and not knowing if he'd gone to the bathroom or not.  Followed by a long morning of confusion and then tears; fearing he's going to die.  I was honest, if notstill a bit annoyed.  "Yes, you will die if you do not start to eat.  You need exercise too, as your muscles have atrophied."  He says he is sitting up.  Had to explain e...

I know it's not his fault.  I know he has a condition and it's not him really meaning it.  But now, he's starting those accusations again.  Bad enough yesterday he is askingif I can trying to kill him (bathing him) but now he's nauseous, refusing to eat, arguing over his medication, and saying I never tell him where I am going any more.  Of course, I'm upset...

I cry because Jim woke up in a stupor and again, tried to change himself.  He just doesn't realize what is happening.  I cry because the medium shirt I bought, is too big on him.  Icry because he tries to sit up for me and within minutes, he's got tears in his eyes from the pain.  I cry because he can't mix Boost with juice anymore without creating severe nausea.&nb...

Excuse me.  You are not dealing with this life or death matter.  No one really knows what they'd do in this situation unless truly in it.  How can you "make" someone thisill; in this much pain, just get out of bed and exercise.  I know if he doesn't do it soon, it will be too late.  He knows if he doesn't do it soon, it will be too late.  But...

It sneaks right back in the door, before you realize it.  Same schedule, same lactulose and xifaxin, same bowel movements, and you change up pain meds....It's Back!  HE starts with a bitof groggy voice, followed by lack of appetite.  Then he wakes up without a depend and feces everywhere!  Sleeps 12 hours, during the day, and I imagine, will be up all night again tonight.&n...

What is it about me, sleep, and habits?  I wake up way too early and all I want to do is have some time for myself?  No....Jim is awake, too.  The animals want attention.  Lex wetson the back of the sofa.  Krispy Kreme is having a special and Jim wants do nuts. Jill later calls and wants me to solve her tax form problems and her lease and residency issues.  Jim has ta...

Woke up at 5:30 and realized, I am not tired!  After two very long, confusing, and hectic months, I think I've finally caught up on sleep.  Jim's sleeping peacefully, which does nothappen often.  Funny when he is so still, I worry did he pass during the night.  Nothing like waking someone up to make certain they are ok, and then go back to sleep!  He was very em...

Got interrupted my last entry and never got to state my feelings.  Time literally is flying by and Jim is getting better medically but his pain is to the point he refuses to get out of bed at all, for any reason.  I even had to cancel his therapy appointments until after he sees the spine specialist.  His appetite is good and he's had proper bowel movements and urine output is g...

Been on the computer all morning, due to Dr. Lawson's office calling and explaining he needs another blood tests as WBC still very high.  ...

Jim is back.  Last Friday morning, he woke up and was shocked he was naked under the covers.  Had to send Jazz from the room to clean him up and get him dressed.  The pain was immense andhe wanted to go to the ER.  Long, 3 hour wait to get back to a room and another hour or so before he was seen.  X ray tech said he has a slip disk between L5 and S1.  (or perhaps L1 S...

Surgery went well.  Ended up being preventative as no varices needed banding.  He said there is some gastric damage due to portal hypertension but if should not be of great consequences.  The real problem is his pain and is it even real pain?  Or is he crazy as a loon?  There is much medication in him but he cannot lie still.  As many times as he's up and down in...

He's hurt so much these past two days.  I am hoping and praying it is because he's walking again and he is using muscules that have been bed ridden for more than a month.  Today, theconfusion is back and his urine is dark in color.  Dehydration but plenty of water today.  HE is back when he lies in bed in the happy baby pose.  Back on the depends today.  Tomor...

Could not write an entry yesterday as well meaning help, moved my laptop to the floor and other well meaning help stepped on it and broke the screen.  Money is too tight and I am too stressed to deal with it. But online here and email and research keeps me sane.  Using daughter's laptop and she, being the absolute positive caretaker for mom, is buying me a new one for Mother's...

Jim was still so combative last night.  Matter of fact, he grabbed my hand at one point and squeezed it so hard, he hurt it.  Finally told him it was ok if he took off the depend or anythingelse.  I was going to take a Advil PM and sleep.  Got up  twice to check on him.  This morning, he was sleeping like a baby.  Wet sheets and blankets but everything else wa...

Long miserable night.  I could not do anything to please Jim.  Thought he'd be exhausted from the trip to the ER and the fall on his head.  Maybe the Lord was blessing him by keepinghim awake.  Unfortunately, I've no sleep for the past two nights and no chance to nap today.  No more BM, which is a good thing as he wouldn't keep on a depend.  Dozed for a...

Knew today was bad with Jeanie leaving to go back to Georgia.   Little did I know how bad a day.  Jim was restless.  Been awake since about 4 am.  Started to make a few calls as his pain medication needs a refill.  The pharmacy cannot do it.  The foundation tells me to call the  health department.  Call home health and they give me some information.&nbs...

Last day with my sister with me.  Truly fearing tomorrow without her.  I am back, for at least two days, on my own, with hubby.  On the good side of things.....the OT was fantastic!  He was impressed Jim could do more than he thought, compared to the info in his chart.  I cried, when he was able to put his own tee shirt on by himself.  Can you believe something so...

Went shopping for household things with my sister, Jeanie.  Jon, our eldest son, stayed with Jim.  Jon was a real champ because the Lactulose was working.  Jon changed him four timesin an hour.  So happy he helped me out.  I need a break, even if it's just to go to Walmart for more stuff.  Can't even imagine going out for a haircut or pedicure, or something...

Writing this actually early Sunday am.  Friday night was miserable.  Jim was awake and frantic most of the night.  I would change him, the sheets and blankets and thought he was settled, to find the Depend torn off again, and having to change it all over.  My logical mind knows he does not realize what he's doing but the emotional side was exhausted.  I really lost...

I can not even remember how many days since I began this diary and some post and some do not.  Am fatigued and feel like a failure.  Jim wanted to be home so bad.  I thought I could take care of him.  Want so badly to respect  his wishes.  Which is worse....honor his wishes and he's in so much pain, he takes meds and then cannot take the medication needed to ge...

Long, long night.  Had to change the bedsheets twice.  So exhausted this morning and wanted to go back to sleep but the physical therapist called and came for an eval.  He was tired for no sleep last night but could follow simple commands.  He has fairly good strength in his arms but his legs are pitiful.  He is extremely thirsty today.  He's refused anything t...

Very scared this morning.  HE, I assume, very bad.  He did not want to wake up at all but about 2:30 am, was screaming in pain.  Gave him the dialaud>sp and haladol.   He calmeddown and slept until 9:30.  I could not get him up in the bed to swallow pills and had to call Button, his sister, to help me.  We raised him in the bed, had his sit up more and he took...

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Some things are the same thing as the hospital.  Jarred here most of the day.  After he lives, Sherry wants to move up in the hospital bed.  Of course it's nearly impossible for me to do by myself.  Kelly and Button here and after they leave, I find out he's pulled off the brief and the bandage wand wet on himself and the pad.  Got him dry and clean and back under...