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"asthma" (kittensky)

MDJunction to me

"MDJunction to me has been the helping friends of understanding that I have needed. I feel now as if someone else it the world understands the things that I am going through. I feel less alone and happier. Here I can let out all my emotions and get support from many people who have been in similar situations. It really has been a life saver for me!" (Amanda78)

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My first baby

It was a week ago today that my 8-year-old Sheltie-Pom had spinal surgery. I had a headache for the 3 days, including the day of his Dr. appt till he came home. We have been through everything together-I got him a year before my divorce & he's been with me through 2 LTR's after that (that were not that great); Now, for almost 3 years, Dan has been in our lives & he loves Tenny & also cares for him. His whole life up to this point, he was extremely active-he could chase a frisbee like nobody's business! And to watch him jump, muscles rippling was a sight to behold! My baby will never do that again. He will never run again, walk up stairs again, jump up on the couch or Dan's chair or play tuggies with his brother Geddy. Please don't get me wrong; I am grateful he is alive! He has his 1-week post-surgical appointment tomorrow and I have a million questions for the Dr. I will likely see Tenny's shaven, exposed vulnerable back with 7" of stitches going down it and will likely cry. I will want to hold him & he will instinctively pull away.He is the closest to a child as I'll get (the same with my other dog) so my heart beats with his. Even on my darkest, sickest days, he knows & either stays extra quiet or I get an extra kiss. Right now, I am feeling him, I think. It doesn't feel good.

I can't believe he said "no"!!!!

Nov 01 2010

Earlier tonight I asked Dan to marry me. It was out of the blue & stemmed from a conversation about sleeping together during Thanksgiving at my mom's. I was joking & said "wouldn't it be funny if we told them we were married & had the dogs--we'd probably get my old room b/c it's bigger. We could get a JOP & simple rings...then I started getting serious & I asked him, looking into his eyes." Who the hell would say no to that??? HIM!!!! fuckfuckfuckfuck I was shocked & felt like the biggest idiot on the planet--I gave him my heart & he stomped/rejected it & tried to talk his way out later. I couldn't talk to him nor look at him. I knew if I said what I wanted to say, we'd fight & I'd say hateful things & that's not me. Instead I stayed seated in my safe place so if I had an attack I wouldn't get hurt. Now I fear being alone tomorrow. Part of me wants to "punish" him but not by being stupid but I'm not sure how. I'm sure he'll try to act as if nothing happenned & I just can't. I'm so broken...

Previous diary posts by tenged:

Sick, Anxious & Close to the "Edge"
A weird day

wtf?????

Comments (1) Add Comment

written by scorpioj, November 01, 2010

I am so sorry that you are so hurt because you love him so much. I can relate my ex partner could not commit to marriage, or even living together in the house he supposedly bought for us. Now he is with someone else and she spends time there. It is really painful still after 8 months. I am sending you hugs to help you heal. I know what you mean about being broken and wanting to punish him. I have refrained from doing something stupid(cause that would only hurt me to be untrue to me),but I am re- thinking the way I look at relationships and how I am going to approach any I may have in the future. It is sad that I have to become a different person to some extent and be more guarded with my heart. I hope that you can find a way to move on and find the love and joy you deserve. You deserve someone who wants to make the commitment to you and stand by you.if you need to talk you can PM me anytime. Have courage, be strong and know that you have a friend here who will listen and support you in any way possible.
Peace, happiness and all things wonderful to you,