My diary

A rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose

It started as a dream. I had it a couple of times, and it's not a dream now. I have it when I'm awake, I feelit and see it and live it and it terrifies me.

It's Stephen. The first one was at a theme park and there was water and a rollercoaster. But that doesn't matter, not really. There's me,  but I'm so young. Maybe 9, maybe 11, I don't know. Skinny and long hair and no glasses, innocent and trusting and awkward. There's mum, she always tries to stop it, begging and pleading, crying, looking at me like she doesn't understand. Like she sees something she never saw before.

If there's a place that I could be, then I'd be another memory..

Then there's Stephen. That's where it starts, with Stephen. We're all having fun, at the beach, at the theme park, out in the countryside. We're young and happy and Alix is laughing and all of a sudden it's me and mum and Stephen, in a dark room or by the car or nowhere at all, it's just quiet and dark and it's us. He wants me, he's grabbed my arm, it doesn't hurt, but it's firm and I can't pull away, and I don't pull away because I'm scared and I'm smart and he has this look in his eyes and he could do anything, he WOULD do anything. She's crying and begging and just let her go but he won't. He's getting angry and he's going to do something, I don't know what, but she's my mum and I can't let him and that anger is growing and I can feel it, can taste it in the air around me, like the way the air tastes before it suddenly pours with rain, and I can't stand it. I tell him, I don't say the words, no one seems to speak but they must because just let her go and don't stand in my way and so I come with you I want to let's just please leave because what else can I do and I'm so young and there's nothing else I can do no way to stop this nightmare and then she's giving me that look, like who are you? you want this? you really want this? but of course I don't!! And I can't say it, because he's there and he's dangerous, don't you see how dangerous he is? But you think it's what I want and I can't bear that more than anything else, if I could somehow let you know, if I could

All I want to do, is be more like me and be less like you

Then we're in the car, just me and him and my hair is so long and dark and I'm so small, and his hands are on me, he's driving but he's touching me, rubbing and caressing, like he can't help it, like I'm a drug, some twisted impulse he can't resist. I'm sick inside, scared and repulsed, but I can't pull away because then he'll Know and if he Knows, if he Hears what I'm thinking, he'll lose it, he'll hurt and rip and bite and humiliate, more pain than I've ever known and I can feel it, that threat. He's never said it, never suggested it, but it's all around him, a cloud of vicious twisted rage. Not like red rage, not just anger and violence, there's spite and cruelty, and that's the bit that scares me, and I want to say please, please don't hurt me. Do what you have to, do it if you have have to but please please don't hurt me but I know that would be the one thing to set him off, to make him hurt me because he wants to be a good guy, he wants a romance, he wants we couldn't help it, we were so in love and we couldn't stay away from each other, we tried but true love and if I told him it wasn't true, if I break his delusion he'll...I don't know what but it's bad so I keep quiet, small. We're surrounded by fields, road after road of nothing but his hands and his lust, boiling but never spilling and I'm just a little girl!

Then there's some place. A house sometimes, sometimes there's a bedroom and it's normal, but sometimes there's painful things and I don't know which I hate more. Sometimes he's pretending he loves me, I'm all I ever think about all I dream of I'm going mad thinking of you sometimes he's angry and I saw you looking at him saw you smiling like a mad little slut just spread your legs for anyone you disgusting little bitch or he Knows and you're lying to me you bitch, trying to get away from me lead me on then back off pretend you never wanted it and I don't know which is worse. In one I'm screaming and crying and he's hurting me and it's painful and scary and so terrifying I think my heart will stop, but it in the other I have to pretend, and I'm so scared and I'm shaking and he's all over me and he's kissing me and sometimes I'd rather he hurt me than the kissing, drooling over me, wet hot kisses than make me feel sick and faint all at the same time. Being scared of him hurting me is worse than him hurting me.

It's scaring me so much. It used to be a dream but now it's when I'm awake, when I'm just sitting, not thinking of him and it's been so long so why now? I can't take it, reliving all the bad bits and hearing his voice and seeing his face and being that scared little girl all over again.

I wish I could die.