|May 20 2012|
Pain, always pain. That's my biggest fear, pain. I know what pain is like, bad pain, I hurt everyday. Even as a child, pain was my biggest fear. Bullied at school, bullied by my brother at home, abused by my step mum and rejected by my dad; I had all kinds of hurt. The emotional stuff lasts longer, the name calling, the rejection. But the physical pain is what I fear most. Not blood, not dying, just hurt. The agony you can't stop. Being kicked in the ribs, dragged down the stairs by my hair, throttled. All these things have happened to me at some time, and even now it's the worst thing I can imagine. In my legs, my knees, my fingers, all over. Sometimes it's so bad and there's nothing I can do.
Don't see the doctor everytime I should. If I did they'd just send me away. They don't believe me when I say painkillers don't work on me. Today I have really bad fingers, no point in paracetamol or cocodamol, wouldn't touch it. So I took the night meds my mum takes. One amitriptilyn(sleeping pill), two tramadol (for pain( and one pregabalin(for nerve pain). It's been three hours and my fingers doesn't feel any better. If anything, it's worse. It's driving me mad, but of course I won't see the doctor, that would be far too sensible. I'd rather have the pain. I hate them all; doctors, dentists, bankers, shop assistants, teachers. They make me feel nervous and insignificant. No matter what I say or what I'm seeing them for, they make me feel like a liar.
Maybe that's just because I had problems when I was younger, no one ever believed me when I told them what my stepmum and dad were doing, so now I feel like a liar around people in authority.
Anyway, I'm ranting again.
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