I am at the end of another season.  My husband seems to be doing a little better this week after a month of severe depression.  He has been seeing the doctor, taking his meds. and doing everythinghe's supposed to.   But, when I look into his eyes, I still don't see the man I love.  He is replaced by some stranger.   The strong man that I shared so much with hides from me.  I see him notice how deeply I search for him, then turn away, trying to hide my disappointment.   His eyes are sad and somewhat blank.  Is he there somewhere?   He is my best friend, and I am so lonely without him.  I can never express any of this to him, because it would only make him feel worse.

I think about all the years we were together.  How could I have not noticed anything?  The person I knew better than anyone, or at least I thought I did.   Was it all pretend, just a game?  Has he been so good at hiding this illness and convincing me that everything was so good between us?

And now, even if he does get better and become himself again, I am no longer myself.  I can't stop worrying about the real possibility of it all starting again.   I feel that I will never be able to look at him again without searching his eyes.  Is he still in there?