|Jul 08 2010|
I have been very foolish this week. I went to a young lawyers' ball on Saturday night and, although I had resolved not to drink alcohol in order to stay safe and alert, I soon let myguard slip down when the waiter service kept on filling my glass time after time.
Needless to say, before long I was in no fit state to do anything except burst into tears and tell anyone who would listen how much I wished I were dead. My friend, with whom I had gone there, sat me down and gave me a cup of coffee. This was promptly spilt all over my green silk dress by a drunken male who staggered into me.
By this time I was feeling very sorry for myself so I asked my friend to accompany me to our hotel room. We had a double bed in the room by some mistake but didn't mind sharing because it was big enough for about four people! She helped me out of my dress and I went to bed, feeling dreadful for having spoilt her evening.
Later I woke up to find my friend next to me in the bed, and on the other side of her was a man I'd never seen before. I was terrified, thinking that he had hurt my friend and was going to hurt me too, and felt guilty because I'd been too drunk to protect her.
In the morning I got up and went to shower, feeling quite lousy as a result of my excesses the night before. I then dressed and went back to wake up my friend and the strange man, only to find them hugging and kissing (and probably a lot more besides) in the bed. I was mortified. My friend and I spent the day walking around the city with the guy and later, after he left to go home, she told me they were going to meet up again this weekend.
Last night she told me they'd spent two hours on the telephone every night since then. I want to tell her to be careful, that she doesn't know this guy and he could be dangerous, but I know it's just my own bad experience talking and he could just as easily be lovely.
It pains me to say it, but I'm also very jealous of her for finding someone and being happy. I want that for myself, but I'm so scared of getting hurt again that I don't dare take the risk. Am I foolish, or am I normal, after what I went through (even though it was ten years ago in two weeks' time!)?
Ouch! Being honest is really painful...but I hope...
Another difficult session
Feeling bruised after my fifth session of CBT
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