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neshama48"Having Crohn's Disease for over 26 years, in the first few years, it lonely and isolating.
Though now my disease is in a near perfect remission, my friends and family are sympathetic to me, but I can not talk to them about this disease. When I stumbled across MD Junction, and met others who had the same disease I was not alone in battling the disease. MD Junction is like a second family, without the judgement or guilt of having Crohn's Disease, but they do give you love and support.
" (neshama48)

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lostinside My beautiful daughter of 22 is a heroin addict. There is alot leading up to this, but this is where we are. She has Hep C, and has had infections, suicide attempts, rehab, stolen from fam, lost her car,,,and so on and so forth. I dont no how we got here, and i cant get through a day with out falling apart. I dont know how to not wish what she says was true, and im afraid if i turn my back she will die. She is my sunshine, she is my life. I want her back...and its hard to talk to people that havent been here. Its a sad, lonely place to be. I want to go back to my life, and dont no how to do it with out her.

\I dont know how this works, but...its a couple hours later...she called, said she'll be home tomorrow. I said dont come home till you want to clean up, she said tomorrow...not tonight. She tells me her friends are "looking out for her" or watching her back, or whatever stupid ass thing,,,BS! I say they arent your damn friends. Friends dont pick you up the day you bust out of rehab, and take you back to the streets! My father had corated(sp) artery surgery today, she promised she would be here, i new, but i was hopeing...all day...that she would text me or call...or even show up.... Then iget home, after sitting in the Hosp all day, and i want to rip somebodys head off. I cant even worry aobut my parents, or be a wife, or a mom to my 16 year old, because i am so distracted, and scared and hopefull. I cant eat,,(and i NEVER have a problem with that) I feel sick after i even have a few bites. I CRY. ALL THE TIME,,,I can be in a grocery store, walking down a street...and the tears start...
My 24 year old just informed me a bunch of money was stolen from his room...and the beat goes on....I told him that i told her to stay away,,,and hes glad,,,he wants her to get better but every body thinks i have enabled her...i really havent,,,but then again, i guess i have. Im a mom..and she hung her self last everytime i put my foot down, i am afraid she;ll try something again, so i am rambeling.I apologize if i am not making any sense..I guess its time for bed, andhope that tomorrow is the day she decides...
...Read More

Sticking to my guns...or trying to anyway

Aug 10 2010

Sorry i havent been on, I promised my son (16) his first trip to NYNY...we were originaly supposed to go to see my daughter in rehab, but she left early, so i owed him a trip...We invited my daughterto go, but she wanted to stay home and...."look for a job"...She was going to drive us to the bus station, and i turned around to talk to her in the car, and i saw blood running  out of a hole in her neck,,,I flipped, as i do,,,but then made the decision, no, you are not taking my car for the weekend, and i promptly left her at the bus station where we departed.  I dont think she believed me how serious i am about her "participation" in her future...but i am done with the games.  And my son, who worries so much, but too him self, had to see my fury, and my broken heart.  I tried to keep the tears inside, and only allowed the spew from my soul to spill.

We got on the bus and didnt look back.  Of course a couple hours into the 5 hour ride, i begin to worry. She did try to hang herself a year ago, and feels i would be better off with out her,,,she couldnt be farther off the mark. She is my heart and soul, my only girl. We are in this fight together, andi pray...o do i pray.

So i call her, to see how her head is, and she is still at the bus, crying, feeling like a jerk, not believing i stuck to my guns,,,and my heart sinks...

Later on she called and found her way to a friends house, and we stayed in touch through out the weekend, and she regretted not joining us, we had a great time, regardless...and i tol her, i would love to do nothing more, then to do this trip again, with my sober daughter.  So, we are back on track, one day at a time.

THe deal is, i see anything , drug related, anything what so ever, I call the cops...and i mean it, i am done watching her slowly kill her self.  THis girl has so much love in her heart, and adores me as i adore her, i can not let her die this way...i can not let her waste her beautiful life.

>side note< I went to St Patricks Cathederal, a place i use to attend church, the most elegant church I have seen.  I went to light a candle for my daughter, for strength...and there was a service going on at the time, and as i lit the candle, heard the priest say, And let us pray for strength for %^^^(%, that she was have strength through out her life, and so on and so forthe. Yes, he used her name, and i look across and there was a wedding going on, and i belive the bride had the same name as my daughter, what a strange moment, but one i will keep in my heart. I new I was not alone in my battle with my girl, her battle with the demons that haunt her!


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