Ms J

I'm fighting off sleep,  it's almost 11 a.m. and I want to go back to bed already.

 I've been feeling a bit lonely, I have one friend from NY that I talk with on the phoneand via email.  She emailed me on the 4th saying she wanted to talk, well I tried to call her, but no answer.    So I've already given up.  I emailed her this morning and still no answer. 

Crap and my eyes keep closing and I'm drifting off to sleep.  Just typed a full line and a half of c's LOL

I went back to the pdoc on tuesday and I am back to 400 mg of seroquel at night along with 100 mg of lamictal.  I know this has alot to do with my exhaustion.  That and the depressed mood I'm in.  Arrgh!

 I did some reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder this morning and I've been dx'd with it before.  I live so much of what was written there, especially right now bc I'm feeling unwanted.  I don't do well with interperson relationships and I've learned to live with that.  My husband is my best and only friend.  Other than the girl I email. 

I used to have quite a few friends from an addiction recovery board that I used to belong to, or so I thought.  I ended up going manic for 3 months and the people I thought were my friends dropped me like a hot tater.  They said they knew bipolar people and none of them ever acted like I was.  I was really having a hard time and I took their rejection kind of hard.  Anyway I distanced myself from them.

I just emailed one of the girls and she will not respond, so that's part of my depression.

I wish I could maintain a relationship with a friend.  I lost my best gf after 4 years of friendship to cancer, so I guess I am still afraid of losing anyone.

Anyway, just feeling lonely and depressed.