Ms J

So if anyone caught it on the a.m. thread, I've slipped and I'm self medicating.  In retrospect I can see that the Wellbutrin really made me manic and I was looking to level out my moodwith weed, rather than by talking to my pdoc and upping my lamictal or whatever.  It has put my SSDI claim in jeopardy bc of some new statute that says something to the effect that if they find

ACCEPTANCE

I saw my grandson (step) for the first time in 9 months tonight.  It's been tearing my heart apart bc his mother is a major triggerto me.  When I start to talk about her I tense up and start to fly off to mania.  Everything she does drives me insane and there's alot that she has done.  But there's a 3

I am going crazy.  I am wanting to use so bad and just gave in and snorted a lortab.  Geez, I can't believe I did that.  I even pulled my console apart trying to find some coke.  I'm not too sure the lortab did anything, I'm putting off the urge to swallow a handful and I've never resorted to that.

 If I had the money and contacts I would have had

Man, I've been having some shitty thoughts lately.  I'm so tired of not having any energy and my addict mind keeps thinking about using some coke or meth.  Of course I have no contactsanymore after 3 years and that makes it harder for me to use.  I'm sure I could find something though.  I have no money and that makes it harder to get back on the addiction train.&

Okay, so I lowered my amount of Seroquel and I am not as drowsy, or I wasn't for a while this morning, now I'm feeling down again.  I even entertained thoughts of sweeping my floors, butthat's gone now.  I sure need to, but can't find the energy.

I'm off the Fentanyl and feeling a bit better today despite still having diarrhea.  At least my legs aren'

I have been suffering from the lows of our disease lately.  I've read the "Today I'm grateful for post" I don't know how many days in a row, but I can't find anythingthat I have gratitude for. 

I'm in the process of getting off of the pain meds I was on for the past year or so.  I am on the third day of no fentanyl patches, have weak achy legs

I'm fighting off sleep,  it's almost 11 a.m. and I want to go back to bed already.

 I've been feeling a bit lonely, I have one friend from NY that I talk with on the phoneand via email.  She emailed me on the 4th saying she wanted to talk, well I tried to call her, but no answer.    So I've already given up.  I emailed her this morni

Surgery is done and over with, I still have some pain from it but it seems to be helping the problem that I had before it.  I have a slight bit more mobility than before.

Second visit withpdoc on Monday he has upped my Seroquel to 600mg p.m. and 200mg a.m. He is urging me to get off of the pain meds, saying I shouldn't be feeling pain 3 weeks out, that it is time to stop, that he

Pdoc changed me from 300mg to 600mg of Seroquel at night.  I was taking Lyrica 75mg to help stabilize moods and to help with my pain level.  He doubled that and I noticed within 5 or 6 daysI was started to get that manic wired feeling.  My pain level has been awful the past 2 days, in my lower back, surgery for my neck is monday morning.  I'm still having the neck, shoul

Snickers got me up at 6:15 howling like a siren.  Wow, it's been quite a while since I got up this early.

Must have something to do with not taking the muscle relaxers and the Ambien.  Nice to have gone down 5 drugs.  Pdoc increased my Lyrica 75mg x 2 and my Seroquel to 600mg at night.  As long as I take the Seroquel by 8:30 I can sleep, any later and I have a hard

So the new dr - psych is stereotypical psych, complete with accent.  I think he got the impression that the only reason I went to him was to get off meds, which yes, that is part of it.  He is talking about eventually putting me on Suboxone for pain.  Okay, so the pain meds aren't my problem, other than they don't relieve the pain too well. 

Anyway, I have dro

Some days this seems like a pain diary, well alot lately.  I have been sleeping so much lately.  Yesterday I was in such pain I took a muscle relaxer and went back to sleep.  I thinkI was awake a total of 6 hours.  I've been suffering from lower back pain and pain in my feet and legs...is it the fibro or is it my lower back.  sunday was one of those days that I spen

Some weeks drag, this is one that is flying by.  Moodwise I'm pretty stable, courtesy of Xanax.  A week and a day and I go to the pdoc for med changes.  Time to work on me, have the physical taken care of on the 14th and hope to have success with it, that it would reduce my pain significantly and get me off the pain meds.   Reality has to kick in and I need to remem

When I am not manic my pain level is higher, well, at least right now it is.  I had some running to do Sunday and yesterday.  Today I woke up at 9 instead of 11.  I took my Xanax about2 so I wouldn't be as knocked out.  I'm still a little tired and hope I don't give into a nap.

Not alot of stuff going on, got some pictures of my granddaughter Cara yesterday

Sunday already.  My moods have improved taking the Xanax at night.   No major swings, though I don't think I want to stay on it permanently.  Another week and I have my pdocappt. 

 These weekends go so fast.  I'm not going to write too long, I have to get going on the laundry.  Just want to note that I haven't had any swings, just prett

I've been taking xanax .5mg xr nightly and the manic moods seem to be calmed by it.  Also the pain is a bit better, the patches seem to do a good job until the morning of the third day, thenI'm in pain again. 

So things are not too bad right now.  Which is good.  Much as I love the mania it is very stressful.

I had my MRI monday and gosh talk about claus

Let's see, Saturday we went to my Stepdaughter's home for oysters.  One of her clients had given her a bunch.  I love raw oysters and of course she fried some, but the best was hercooking some with bacon wrapped around them, they were awesome.  She also fried speckled trout for the non oyster eaters.  Really delicious meal and it was nice to spend time with family.&n

Had a busy day, went and got my hair hacked off, short, ala Sharon Stone short.  More practical for a woman that sweats like crazy during the summer.  It feels good, I haven't tried tostyle it myself yet, but will try something tonight.  I said the hell with it, I'm tired of having hair in my face, so I took the plunge.

BP wise, I am doing better, moods are more lev

I have a hard time keeping track of days and times.  Seems like I have lived from Dr appt to Dr appt.

My head seems to be better, haven't had those rapid thoughts/mania too bad for severaldays.  I am working to accept things as they are with surgery and the waiting to get to the dr. 

 Pain meds still are screwed up, waiting still for dr call. 

I

I'm still having some breakthrough pain on these patches.  I'm waiting on PM to call and advise me. 

Went to NS and scheduled Anterior Disckectomy and Fusion on C3-4 C4-5 removalof C5-7 plate and screws for April 14th.  I also have to go back in and have an MRI on 3/17 so the NS can make sure things are okay in there for surgery. 

Anyway, wired up morni

Didn't sleep a full night.  One of those wake up at 4 or so, hit the potty and then lay down to fall into that twilight sort of sleep.  I had plans to go get tires and wanted to head out early.  Sure enough I dozed out in the chair after I got up and my sis called at 7:45.  I jumped up, got ready and went to get the tires.  Now doesn't it just figure that the ge

Let's see, I'm finding out mornings are more or less neutral, neither up for down, coffee, breakfast, take my morning meds.  Of course still on Chantix and Mucinex, known triggers, butto only smoke 4 packs of cigs in a week is awesome, a trade off for the known trip off to a bit of mania.  The congestion is breaking up, so well worth the same trade off.  I need to keep th

I can't believe how much my pain level has gone down since putting on the patches.  I still took one pain pill today, but that's down 2 yesterday and 2 today, maybe I can go till tomorrowand not take anymore of them.  I am going to be brief though, I feel some shoulder pain and I can tell it's from the typing. 

I still have the mania, though right now it is cal

It's not bad enough to be manic but to have someone "anonymously" launch a vicious attack on you that tells you you are a drug addict and just downright cruelty and ugliness.  Gee, you think, I'd love to teach them and go ahead and end it all...then let the b*tch suffer with guilt the rest of their life.  No, this didn't happen here.  I belonged, I say belon

Yet another manic day, sort of mid manic, got that attitude that the world pisses me off.  Don't wanna get into eating the Xanax, bc it seems to bring me way down.  I just want thathappy medium, if there is one.

 My husband ended up setting me off again last night bc he was yelling at my son.  He said something really ugly to him and me, I'm sitting there

The stress is awful, of course the Chantix and Mucinex have my head going through the roof, a chemical cause for being this way, still I must use these meds.  One more pack of cigs and that's it.  Quit date Friday morning, I will douse any leftovers on Thursday night before bed.

Went to court and pled NG.  I talked with the City Attorney afterwards and got the charge re

I have to constantly turn the TV and radio down bc it grates on my nerves. How terrible it is when you are watching a showand a commercial comes on! I also have a 13 y/o that naturally wants to crank up the tunes in the car but I have to tell him to turn it down. It's almost like a cat flattening its ears...

Well, I'm learning to navigate this site, so I guess I need to start with my first post and intro:

But not new to being bipolar. I was dx 24 years ago and have been bipolar since I was a child, nobody knew what was going on and my parents didn't really understand that what was wrong was part of me. I remember severe mood swings, irratibility and irrational behavior from long, long