My struggles,learning how to cope,living life,finding happiness in imperfections. http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture Wed, 22 May 2013 22:44:57 +0100 FeedCreator 1.7.2 http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/death-171023 why do i constantly ponder and fantasize of death?i don&#39;t want to die but sometimes i feel like giving up but i think and come to the realization that this is somewhat normal. saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/ive-grown Ive grown so much I&#39;m glad this is a new year, i feel side effects from my meds such as conflicting thought patterns which leave me incapable of comprehending and memorization.i have to look back and say that I&#39;m proud of myself for finally getting my license, and sticking with school i haven&#39;t been in school for about five years already so its very motivating and inspirational that i haven&#39;t given up yet and don&#39;t plan to at all.i feel the loss of friends i lost two good fri [...] saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/pain-168851 abuse me.leave me out in the cold.im trapped into this scabbed heart open wounds i keep picking at sometimes i just want to be set free from this eternal pain.i know deep down Iam beautiful but I&#39;m covered in my own blood and have many scars which people have inflicted upon me.things that i cannot fix will forever haunt me i wish i could just trade experiences with someone who doesnt hurt likei do.i just want to be set free.only a god which I&#39;m not sure who exists or not can do so. saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/not-alone-166553 When i come to this website, even though I know no one personally, I feel blessed to at least acknowledge there are others with the same bipolar disability which i am affected by. I know i am a beautiful person with an ugly stigma It helps to know others are struggling the same as Iam.Im proud to say I&#39;m living a normal life with the disease, I go to school , I have many friends and anamazing boyfriend, I also hear voices sometimes and have to take seven pills every night.Not many know this [...] saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/z <p style="margin-bottom: 5px; padding: 0px">s I cry to keep them away</p><p style="margin-bottom: 5px; padding: 0px">a normal life I abstain</p><p style="margin-bottom: 5px; padding: 0px">life is golden life is crystal</p><p style="margin-bottom: 5px; padding: 0px">not so clear I hear them whistle</p><p style="margin-bottom: 5px; padding: 0px">they&#39;re here to attack my brain once again</p><p style="margin-bottom: 5px; padding: 0px">relentlessly beating at the cut</p><p style="margin-bottom: [...] saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/a-new-beginning-163417 I need more self discipline.I need to wake up at eight from now on.Im going to promise my self that i will tomorrow.My insomnia is returning &nbsp;and thats not good bc i just got out of the hospital.I have to do what the doctor told me to do.Sewing classes and yoga will help me I know it.Im looking forward to growing as a person and I&#39;m staying optimistic i know that I&#39;m capable of doing so:] saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/new-job-working-with-bipolar-disorder-and-insomnia I just got a new job at a candy shop I&#39;m really excited but i know it won&#39;t be extremely easy with bipolar, insomnia, and severe back problems, but I&#39;m not going to let it bring me down becausei know I&#39;m capable of living a normal life and i won&#39;t forget that saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/la-trip now I&#39;m going to LA i didn&#39;t sleep last night due to my chronic insomnia and because i came home from a concert at about 1:30am.I feel lately like i really want to do something productive and long term such as attending school. I want to make something out of my self worthwhile instead of being bored out of my school at home all day.I hope my boyfriend can share the car equally with me and that i can manage to stay in school with this burden of an illness plus my back pain, and my perfor [...] saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/baby-150596 Whenever I see a baby it kind of makes me want one.I want to adopt because i don&#39;t want my baby to have my genetics and inherit bipolar disorder because then i would have a lot of guilt.also I&#39;m taking meds for the rest of my life so i can&#39;t get off of them so its pretty impossible for me to have children.im only twenty one but i still think about it time to time.iknow my boyfriend wants to have a baby with me but its just impossible at this point so he and i have to accept and come [...] saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/looking-back-148914 Im looking back to my older posts and I&#39;m glad to say I&#39;m in a lot better place now.Myback is slightly better and I&#39;m adjusting to all of the rules which getting sleep is vital.Im hungry waitingfor my dad to come I see tons of positivity in the future, i see plans in which i want to fulfill.I want to design clothing i want to feel accomplished without a major and attending university. I don&#39;t want a piece of paper, i want to look on my website and feel like I&#39;m doing my compl [...] saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/icecream I hate having insomnia all i had was ice cream last night and i stayed up until six in the morning and had about three hours sleep.I guess i can&#39;t be young anymore i guess i don&#39;t have anymorefreedom in my life, no sugar no staying out late no nothing.I just want to take a nap now if i can even do that.damn. saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/depression-144361 why does it hurt so much to be here?even if i convince myself to grateful for having legs , for everything else i have some people don&#39;t i try to be happy, instead I&#39;m running around in circlesi can&#39;t sit still I&#39;m in a prison of a bipolar mind.when can i escape?i want to be here .but i don&#39;t want to suffer.everything I&#39;ve been through hits me like a wave.my skin is crawling trying to escape myself .when will i stop measuring myself as a piece of shit ?even though I&#39;m [...] saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/eating-myself-to-death the xyprexa and seroquel have caused nonstop extreme munchies all i think about is food and all i do when I&#39;m at home or out is consume very large portions of junk food i feel as if I&#39;m going to eat myself to death i can&#39;t wait to see my dr. to taper down and i hope all goes well tapering it and that iwill still be able to sleep peacefully.ah and my back has been killing me, i just no longer want this pain in my back as I&#39;m unable to function with it, and i also don&#39;t want to [...] saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/negative-thoughts i read about how i change having a negative mentality but its really hard sometimes.i have way too many dr. appointments because of all the health problems i have, i just started therapy which is good, but its so hard going to all these dr.apointments so far away so early in the morning it stresses me out i don&#39;t even have a car.sighs now that i got that off my chest , another thing that troubles me is not having control over how i feel sometimes, i feel out of focus on my meds and then i do [...] saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/getting-drivers-license everyone in my house is asleep, my best friend who is crashing here, and my boyfriend.so I decided to ramble away here.Im tried so many times to take my permit test at the dmv but i just can&#39;t passit, i don&#39;t even remember how many times i wonder to myself is it the meds contributing to my poor concentration?or am I bound to fail because Im sending the universe mixed signals to what I want, I&#39;m just not sure, i hate and get sick of failing though.see I&#39;m somewhat scared to drive [...] saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/my-life-is-a-maze How do i get out?im not quite sure but I know someday I will get the cheese at the end of closed off brick walls. saske http://www.mdjunction.com/diary/mrtorture/1st-post-142268 sometimes i feel like an experiment.last night my dose was lowered,I have insomnia and sometimes i deal with the fear of staying up all night.I can&#39;t wait to start therapy next week, because Its reallytedious to struggle and i want to see if someone can help enlighten me, even though maybe thats something i should find myself, i just need help is all.The struggles I&#39;ve been dealing with lately on my meds is always feeling like i have to be doing something all the time,being overly sedate [...] saske