Mopar vixen's thoughts

Today will be my last day to spend with my husband.I'm going to miss him and yet I can't bring myself to come up from my bedroom to spend any quality time with him. He's leaving tomorrowto move to Florida for a new job while our kids & I stay in Ohio. Our lease isn't up until June and although I want to stay together as a family, I feel our legal obligation to fulfill our lease is important.

My last few days have been spent in solitude. I'm depressed and my IBS has been acting up. I feel sick and want to stay in bed. I hate feeling this way because inside I want to spend time with him. I haven't done much but stay alone with myself. I have nobody to blame but me for not spending time with him.

Part of me doesn't even feel worthy to spend time with him. We are in the midst of issues that are threatening our marriage. Sometimes I feel as if this job is just an excuse for him to run away from me and the stresses of life. It's easier for him to just move away than deal with the issues at hand head on. At the same time, this is a great job opportunity for him and I want him to take it. I want him to find a job he'll enjoy. We've been married almost 18 yrs. and although I don't want to risk our marriage, I want him to find happiness in his life.
I've got a lot of work to do on myself. Dealing with my borderline personality, bipolar and depression disorders is important. I need to find happiness and love for myself before I can continue to be a good wife. I've spent most of my life and all of my adult life giving myself to this man. Making decisions (some major mistakes too) to my husband and our family first. Not taking care of myself.I am now a 35 yr old overweight woman who is trying to stay afloat mentally. I don't have much love for myself. How can I be a good example to my children or be the wife I should be if I can't even like myself? I need to learn to like myself and learn to love myself. If I can't do that and if I can't learn to be secure in myself as a person than I may as well let my husband go for good. That's not something I want nor am willing to accept.

My husband and kids are at the core of my identity and I've learned recently over the past six months that's ok. But they don't define who I am as a person. I'm still trying to define who I am. I need time to work on me. And I'm ok with that.