Mopar vixen's thoughts

I don't even know where to begin. Life has been so damn stressful the past few months. I've been fired from my last two jobs. I'm an at home mom which has been nice. I get to sleep in andyet I feel unfulfilled sometimes. I sleep a lot during the day and I'm up late at night sometimes until 3 or 4 am.

I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder on top of my bipolar disorder. It's a good thing because I though that my bipolar was getting out of control. I now know that I've got the bipolar under control but it's the borderline personality disorder that is making me act and feel the way I do. I'm back in therapy and in March I can get my medications adjusted. So I'm on top of that issue.

I had to admit my son into an in treatment program which SUCKS for all of us. I feel so awful not having my son home. I was told at first he would be there 30 days then an intensive at home therapy for 3-4 months. Franklin County Children Services even offered to pay for it. I had to sign 30 days temporary guardianship to them to do so. Since it's $500 a day for his treatment program I consented. Now they went behind my back and took my son away. My husband & I have to go to court and try to get him back and now FCCS is even trying to get us to pay child support. And they won't allow us to have him back for another few months, as long as August. We go to court Tuesday Feb 1st. I can't afford a real attorney so I had to get a court appointed attorney too.
I got two letters today that really brought me down. First was a letter stating the employer I get unemployment through is appealing the decision made for my unemployment and I have to go to some court hearing. The date has not yet been determined. It's already been determined twice I was fired w/o just cause which is why I'm still getting unemployment. If I loose that in this court hearing I will be forced to pay back what I've received. How would I support my daughter on no income. And the stress this is all having on my husband is really unfair to him.   The second was a letter from Family Services saying I make too much money ($996 mo) to continue receiving food stamps and insurance for myself and my daughter. My husband has insurance on us (Family Services doesn't know that) but I'll have to pay my co-pays and I can't afford them, especially for my medications. I don't know how they expect me to live and support my daughter on $996 a month. My rent alone is $870 a month. That doesn't include car insurance, car payment, gas, electric, phone, gas in my car. Basic living expenses. My husband lives in another city and is gone from Sunday night until Friday night. He has been paying most of my bills on top of his just for us to survive with basic living expenses. This is in place of the government forcing him to pay child support. But FS doesn't know that either.

My step-dad (dad #2) has stage IV small cell lung cancer and now my parent's have NO income. He's just been declared disabled. I've been working on getting resources to help out my parents. I'm also trying to organize a fundraiser so they can have some money to pay on their bills and the ever piling medical bills for his treatment.

I can't even really look for a job until this stuff with my son, the fundraiser is done, and our bankruptcy is discharged. Meanwhile I have to stand idly by and watch my life fall apart all around me. I even started smoking, which is dumb, to help me cope somewhat with the stress. I hope to be back to work in March. My parents live in Michigan while I live in Ohio. I have to have the fundraiser in Michigan and I have to be there for the fundraiser.

The stress is killing me. My muscles are sore from all the tension build up and I don't sleep well when I do go to sleep. I feel irritated (a lot) and I feel guilty for everything, even when I know I have no control over a lot of this stuff going on. I do advocate a lot for my son with FCCS. Sometimes I don't feel like eating then when I do I over eat and sometimes I emotionally eat. I'm gaining weight from the stress which lowers my self esteem and takes a toll on not only my health but my marriage.

There are so many things I know I should do. Quit smoking and working out to name a few. But I can't seem to get up the strength or motivation or whatever it is I need to do it. I continue to hold onto my faith in God. I think that's the only thing keeping me out of the mental hospital and having a nervous breakdown. Sometimes I just want to cry but I can't get the tears out. Then sometimes I just break down and sob.

 I swear after all this mess with my son is over I am getting the hell out of OHIO. I can't take it much more. If things don't change I'm going to end up having a nervous break down. I'm not sure how much more I can take. Like the title of this entry says, I'm at the end of my rope!