|Mar 07 2011|
Hello Diary and Friends,
Today as I sat here thinking and pondering I just wanted to express that all of us are human and have human emotions and anger is one of those emotions unfortunately.
For the past week I have been sick with my eyes glueing shut and breathing issues fighting with insurance that will no longer let me have therapy to help keep me up and transferring so I can get from my wheelchair to my bed and stuff. Knowing if I cannot do this simple action then I cannot remain at home and will most assuredly be facing a nursing home stay that would mean I probably would remain there the rest of my life. And during all of this I still continue to pray and believe no matter what it is in God's hands but does it keep me from feeling anger? NO!!!!! Oh Lord how I wish it did but it doesn't. I just want to scream and shout and cry yet knowing none of that will do any good at all. Then I feel like I am short and hateful with people then I feel extreme guilt over that which does not allow me to rest.
So during these times I try to take it moment by moment knowing I still have Hope and I still have a Peace within me that I found a longtime ago. I had a new aide working with me Sat. and Sun. while mine was on a break. We discussed that I am a DNR so if something happened she could not do CPR on me all she can do is call 911 and show them my papers. She was in tears and asked me if I was afraid? The answer most definately is NO! I am not afraid of passing on and crossing over. But Lord I am afraid of this sudden anger I feel from within. I felt bad having to tell her but her company surely did not and I do not want to be brought back if I code I firmly believe if the Lord wants me to remain he will allow it with no herioc measures if not he will come and claim me.
Now I just have to surrender the anger and do what a friend said to me the other day Viv focus on Love. He is so special to me. One of my best buds who so understands the frustrations of a failing body but yet a mind that continues to work. How right is he. So very very right. I have always had alot of love in my heart and I give it freely and am so blessed to receive it freely.
So just know Viv is human and working on this and will keep pressing onward and upward waiting for that special day that the Lord comes to claim me. Until then I am not perfect never will be never have been but I will continue to work on my faults after all none of us is perfect but Thank God we are forgiven!!!
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