Mitzigirl

Right now there is so much going on. First the tragedy in Boston knocked everyone's socks off.  Leaving everyone in fear and wondering Why? But yet that is not really ours to wonder. Our jobs is to pray and trust God is still in control and will right this wrong. That is his job.

Then two days ago tragedy closer to home.  Part of our church family is dead. Kyler (Jenell'

So many of you here have poured out your love and prayers to me and have asked for updates so here goes. I wish the news was better but I always tell it like it is.

I have the same two  Pyoderma Gangrenosum holes they are larger and deeper. I got up yesterday feeling badly and I have a new one started on my arm. I don't know if this is making me so sick but spent all evening in b

Hello once again my dear friends and family here. For all of you that knows me and many of you who don't I got bite by a brown recluse spider in May of 1997. I have had numerous surgeries on my left arm with lots of problems and given many medicines alone the way. It messed me up terribly. Causing my health to decline for years now.

For the past two and a half years I have not had any

 Hello one and all you yes you all of my dear friends who have become family to me here at MDJ!! Do you know how special you truly are? Well let me tell you.

I was typing away today when I post in one group I think Self Esteem and noticed my post number rolled over too 10,000! I thought wow really Viv! Did you come here ever thinking you would post that many times in 08 and certainly

It is 4:20 am here in Tn. and as usual this morning I have insomnia and cannot rest but as of late that is not unusual for me. Guess God thinks I need more time to set here and read, pray and see howall is doing. So I make the best of it.

I ran upon some post from folks having trouble forgiving and forgetting what has happened to them in their past. I do know how hard that can be but it c

Well Lord here it is 7 am been up since 4 something and here we meet again but today even though I am exhausted I am happy and feel your light and presence. Thank you Lord.

You know the past couple of weeks have been very overwhelming and upsetting to me making my depression worse and my physical problems worse. It has been hard but I feel it was just one more test Lord that I made it thr

Well here it is 5:30 am here in Tn. and again I am up and thinking and decided to write once again. Writing and praying helps me to work through things.

For the past few days I have felt my oldnemesis Depression creeping back in. Yesterday I wept about all day off and On. I wept for my cat Hope that is missing and I cannot find. I wept for the momma cat and 3 kitties I cannot find forever

It is almost 5am in Tn as I sit here this morning thinking about life's many challenges. It seems like lately things have been going on that has made life really challenging but through it all I still cling to God and know that he is what gets me through them.

It started off with my teeth abcessing and mouth and throat blistering and no one to get them removed. I got some better with

As I was sitting here I was thinking so many folks feel so unimportant I hear it everyday in their post read it between the lines and hear them talk about it.

Now if you ask me am I important??I would say naw I am just plain ole Viv nothing special. That is how I view myself.  And sometimes I can be really hard on myself because of being in this wheelchair with this hugh tumor on my

As I was sitting here tonight back up out of bed because I am so sick with something that I don't know really what it is I thought my body feels really badly right now. But my spirits feels likeit is soaring. I know that may sound odd but it seems like even though I feel so ill I still feel at peace.

Setting here reflecting on things I was thinking about one of my favorite verses in t

Hey Guys when in trouble I always think of you and how much you guys do for me so I come to you here I am.

 Many of you know I am dealing with abcess teeth that is broken off in my gums. As of right now insurance will not get them took out and I cannot afford a dentist or can find one who will work with me yet. Working on it but nothing has came through.

I am in a great deal of

There have been many times during the past four years that I have been here that I just wanted to throw in the cards and say things are never gonna get different but my strong Faith and Hope that tomorrowwould get better would not let me.

 I talk to many of you here and have became close to so many and I hear so many times how there is no Hope. No hope for getting better, no hope for

Hello diary and everyone it has been quite sometime since I have written in here so I thought I would update all of you on what has been going on in Viv's life.

For everyone that knows meyou know I have alot of Faith and For the most part have always been a happy person. Well my Faith and Patience has brought me to a point in my life where I am truely Happy and Extremely Thankful.

Hello everyone I am sorry to have not been on here for awhile but I have been having a terrible time breathing and alot of trouble with my stomach due to this hernia and tumor. Neither one of this can be fixed so I just have to take it easy and pray that some of it passes and wait until I am able to be up and around again. I know unless God heals me I will never be well but that does not mean I

That is a childern's song that most of us know or have been taught but really what profound words. Bits my dear sweet sister always tells me yes Jesus loves you. What beautiful words those are too me.

Today I was thinking about how many serious problems people have here with health and bad things that have been done too them and other things. As I was praying and thanking the Lord for

I was sitting here today wracked with pain from head to toe and thinking how much more of this can I bare???? That is a perplexing questions with only one true answer as much as he allows me to have. As tears fell down my face this morning trying to stand to tranfer to my wheelchair with my knee so painful I felt like screaming I thought I can't do this. I just can't. I sat back down cr

Hello Diary and Friends,

Today as I sat here thinking and pondering I just wanted to express that all of us are human and have human emotions and anger is one of those emotions unfortunately.

For the past week I have been sick with my eyes glueing shut and breathing issues fighting with insurance that will no longer let me have therapy to help keep me up and transferring so I can ge

Dear Diary,

When I come here I usually come to pray and talk and just simply think things through. For the past several days pain has been horrible for me.  I can barely tolerate it evenon the strong medicines I take. And surely cannot take anything stronger because it compromises my breathing. So here I am stuck in a situation that is truely out of my control.

So my part in th

As many of you that knows me I have really been sick off and on since Christmas of this past year. In and out of the hospitals. THis last visit I ended up with a new pulmanary doctor who threw alotof new medicines at me took away some old ones and I admit I was terrified. I was sure he would end up killing me. I prayed hard and I know alot of others did too. When I finally got to where I could

Today is such a struggle for me. I feel so lost yet I know I am Christian an am found. My heart actually aches today and I have shed a blue million tears. I want to get out of here, I want to run I wantto have someone hug me and say its ok. I don't usually struggle this badly. Usually depression is kept at bay but today it isn't and I feel sad and feel I have nothing to offer. I am so sorr

Yesterday morning I sat my alarm and got up and went onto my front porch by myself to see the sunrise and worship..Its been so long since I could go to church and go to the sunrise service at churchso I haven't been having one. I thought the night before what is stopping me from having my own I don't have to be in a church building full of people to have one. So I dressed and got my bib

For a longtime now I have had chronic pain. Pain that medicineor a  does control but it never stops all the way. After my last hospital stay my pain has increased to where morhpine is not evencontrolling it now. It has been in my right side and hip for a longtime due to the 140lb tumor I have in that side of my abdomen. Or that is what they guess it to weight now. Now its gotten into my kn

As everyone knows I just been home two weeks today after nearly a two week hospital stay which I nearly died several times on them. It all started with headaches, and ear ache and congestion. That is enough to set my lungs which already have MRSA in them overboard. When I left my house the first time by ambulance I was stating in the upper 60's sick and throwing up but still knew everything

Today is the day after Christmas the hustle and the bustle and all the overwhelming frustrations of what has turned mostly into a commercialized holiday.

 The real meaning to me as I sethere and look over the past few days is the birth of our saviour. It amazes me that God gave his only begotten son so WE can have ever lasting life.

So thru it all I count my blessings and even

All of you know about all my recent problems with getting cut off of insurance and losing my aides and all my help..Yes it was a nightmare and caused alot of stress and tears. But I know God had a purpose through it all.

 Depression would sink its ugly teeth in me and I would think its never gonna get any better at times I really had my low moments and if it wasn't for you guys t

Faith is so important as we all know..It can move mountains...Yes indeed..

Right now I basically need a mountain moved Lord..It seems from what all branches of government keep telling me I DONOT qualify for any type of tenncare medicaid..I don't fit into any of this groups..Since I draw workers compensation disability until I am 62 there are no groups. So Lord right now I am basically

In life there are things that happen that we really do not understand.. We cannot make rhyme or reason out of it. It will effect us and cut to the quick every fiber of our being..We struggle and cryout Lord see me through this storm also...Help me to overcome these obstacles..Oh Lord allow me to hang on and not crawl into the black hole that I can feel all around me...

It started last Sat

I have been a MDJ quite awhile now and am greatful to know many and love many...

As many of you know that knows me my outlook on the things that are bad or hurtful and we can't change is This Too Shall Pass..I have used this phrase to many people along the line...esp..knowing their hurting or have heartache..

I also use it from myself too...I am not immune to heartache and hurt

With this MRSA all knows who has it there are times that things seem hopeless when you feel you can't drag yourself outta bed and do anything..When you have boils take over have to have them lancedor like me do it myself now as long as I can reach..

 When the doctors look at you and say I don't know how your still here with all your health issues they are all terminal..I real

There are times no matter how strong our faith is and how unshakable that we can get shook..Doesn't mean the Faith is gone not at all..It means we are human and we need to just step back and understandthis..take a deep breath and continue on down the path that God is leading us even when the path seems to be cloudy....or dark....

 My path has gotten dark for the past several days

As I set here this evening even through all I have gone through the past several weeks and still going through all I can think is isn't our God Awesome..I love that song....Used to sing it whenI was able to sing solo in church and had enough oxygen to belt it out..I can't do that now but oh my heart sings it....Yes indeed....

I think where would I be right now without that Awesome

Lord you know you sent me here to MDJ last Nov the night before Thanksgiving..I had prayed for you to let me find someway I could help even one person somewhere on the internet which I knew nothingabout...I came upon MDJ and I knew right way I was suppose to be here..In this course I have met people who have deeply touched my life and that I am surely pleased Lord that you sent me here all touc

Lord as I lay here this morning at 2:10 am you know all the health problem I have and all that is going on in this body..First I thank you for all that you do and allowing me to be here yet another day...As I reflect on this day health wise it has been hard but it is nothing compelled in comparison to what your son suffered upon the cross that day..For all of us...Lord I know that no matter how th

As I come to my diary it is always the wee hours of the morning..That is when I sit down and pray for all and I do mean all..All of you that ask for special prayers they get said every night and morningfor you...

I know most of you here know of my mulitiple health problems and I know many pray for me...and through it all God has allowed me to remain here.. ...I came last Nov. already in b

I usually write my diaries in the wee morning hours not early evenings..But as I set here with so many physical problems and none of them really getting that much better I was thinking does God allowus more than we can withstand?

The answer of course is no..Sometimes it might feel he does and that is when I know it is time to stop and count my blessings not just all the things that is wro

Lord as I set here at almost 2 in the morning and with all my Illnesses and pain and suffering...and thinking of all the others here who suffer tremedously I know it might not make sense right now..ButLord I truel believe with ever being of my heart and soul that at times we have to go through this to walk closer to you..Lord my suffering may be great but oh my Faith is ever so strong..And I know

As I sit here this morning at 1am here in Tn..I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is God that is leading me here at MDJ...I may help lead a board and lead the MRSA board but God Leads Viv..

With all of my many health issues and right now there are many there is not a day or night goes by that I don't set here typing away..It's not because I feel I have to it is because I wan

As I set here at 2am in Tn..I was thinking about how at times I just need to feel connected..God I know I always have a direct connection with you and that I am never alone you are here...Then thereare the other connections..Lord you allowed me to use a computer and find MDJ the night before Thanksgiving..As I sat praying that I need a purpose and a way to connect to someone..and Lord it wasn&#

The night before Thanksgiving Nov. of 08..I had been surfing the internet looking around at things..Looking up things..But before I went on line that night I had prayed as I normally do God give mea purpose someway to be able to help someone along the way and maybe help me along the way..I didn't even know of any websites that you join...I had looked up many articles on MRSA and was just re

How many paths can our lifes take? Several that is for sure..Growing up I always wanted a husband,children,home and a career...Well when I turned 18 I got the  husband and no childern ever andas far as careers go didnt quite turn out like my plans..I got my license to do cosmotology and wanted to be a hair dresser..I graduated in June after marrying in Jan...Well I didnt go to work as a ha

You know sometimes life is just plain hard...No matter what you do or how hard you try nothing seems to go right...Lord knows I try and try hard and I know God will not put on me more than I can bear..Then a day like today creeps in and you gotta think man can I handle this too..How much pain can one person endure? Apparently alot..but how much trama does it cause..? Lord you know it causes alot..

I think all of us here have a purpose in this great big world..We might not always know what it is but God does..

I asked do you believe in Angels..I know there are angels..I have witnessed them..

My first experience was not long after my 17yrs break up of my marrige.. I was living with someone and this was one of the lows points in my life..It was time for it to end but did I want

Lord you know all the sickness I have and all the heartache that is going along with it..Life has not always been fair for me and I know I am not suppose to question why..My question would be what does Viv want? Does Viv want someone who really cares about her and looks past the disabitilties...Yes Lord Viv wants that...Does  Viv want to have friends even if they are just on the internet w

Lord this last week has been one of those weeks all week long..I had more place in my mouth that are MRSA and then I guess depression and the blues seemed to get to me..I know your in control but I dontlike to be the one who is down and out..I am suppose to be a leader here and how do I lead if I come to the boards and set and cry and think these people have no ideal how bad I am or how much depre

Lord as I sit here this morning I am so tired and sleep deprived and you know this but who can sleep knowing that the MRSA is taking over more and more and that there is no solution...I keep playing itover and over in my mind when they first told me I had it like it was no big deal it was in my lungs....Well here I set and it is a very big deal and it will never go away now......To many antibitocs

Lord i come to you this morning of course at almost 3am...and I am just sitting here thinking of all that went on today Lord....You know it was a bad day from the get go and it did improve as it went along either..Lord allow me to have patience even when I am dealing with my own agony and heartache...someone I thought was specail to me came to me in and ordernary letter then as they went along Lor

Lord this morning my mind is on nothing but MRSA that is what it is usually on..No one seems to know Lord what a bad epidemic this is becoming...Lots of people here dont even know they call it the Job sydrome..You lord know why it is called that Job had all the boils Viv and others Lord have these boils..Lord they are trying harder and harder to act like this is a simple problem...Well Lord if

Lord I come to you tonight on behalf of Camey who came to me today and said Viv will you say a prayer for me I can have when you are gone..Camey hun I pray each and everyday for you and others know this..Lord this morning as I set here you know how many times Camey has came to me saying Viv I dont want to be here anymore DONT CALL...Lord I would set here praying while writing asking you God to giv

Lord you only know when I am going to leave here even if MRSA is taken over most things it is in your hands not mine..Lord I endure sometimes almost unbearable pain but you let me with stand it and comeon and answer the boards and pms and do what I say I will do..I might be sitting here with tears rolling but I do it because GOD it is you who gives me that strength....Lord when it is my time allow

Lord here I am it is 3:30am my hour to write and pray...Lord I was reading in one of my other diary post where a dear friend who holds a special place in my heart said you have a beautiful realtionshipwith the Lord I can learn from you and Do you think he could help with the terminal part??? Lord that statment got me to thinking...You know I am lonely and so thankful I have friends here but at thi

Tonight Lord as I come to you I am sitting here in tremendous pain and you know this you also know that no matter how much I hurt I come back here..There are so many people here I care about and pray for Lord and you know i life them up to you each and everyday..and when they come to me in pain or with problems you know GOD I come to you with them..I know Lord that I cannot solve them all I can do

As I am sitting here in horrendous pain I keep thinking Lord No this cant be me that now has MRSA in the right eye....This cant be me that had the inside of the eye cut on today..but it is...Lord tonightwe had a new person come on the MRSA board tonight and I went to welcome him and try to see if I could give him some advice and Lord I ended up shocking him by the time he read about me and where a

Lord this is the second time I have written it the first time is didnt save..so Lord I will not be defeated I am coming back to pray the prayer again...I was sitting here Lord thinking what do i say WhenJesus Take The Wheel came on and as I sat here I thought Lord yes that is it I have to let you take the wheel..Lord you know how my health is failing and how much pain I am in..Lord you also know t

Well here I am again and it is 2am almost not quit my hour to write but gonna do it anyways..I have had chronic pain for years and I have taken strong meds for years..Now Lord you know the meds are notworking for this almost unbearable pain..My left arm gives me fits where the spider bite was and so many surgeries and so many holes cut out to the bone..Then there is the abdomenial hernia with the

Where do you start with this thing called depression at the beginning maybe...I was an only child and had a good childhood but would feel either like I was flying sky high or all down in the dumps..Lordyou know this you have been with me all my life..Then I married the only man I ever have loved and we stayed married 17yrs and it was a living nightmare most of the time..Lord you know how he beat m

Lord as I set here this morning at 4:30 am you know what my life is like and what my hopes and dreams are....I pray tonight Lord for Me..I always worry about praying for everyone else and someone pointedout to me today that it is alright to pray to you Lord for myself..Lord You know my illness is terminal...I have prayed for healing for years and yet never received it but I know now Lord if I had

Here I sit again at 3am seems to be the time I usually hit here and write..Lord you know I am so tired..Sleep is something that does not come easily know it hardly comes at all but yet Lord I know yougive me the strength to set here and do what I like doing and going on the boards and writing...It is you who sustains me through all of this..I usually dont feel such a strong feeling of lonely but t

Well Lord here we are again everyone has gone to bed and here I set alone listening to music and thinking you know how this is going to turn out not me...I had to have a blood transfusion well today Ifelt really badly and looked in the mirror and noticed my eyes and skin was a lovely shade of yellow..Lord I dont know what is going on but you do my kidneys,then heart now liver but yet Lord I set he

Well here I am once again at almost 3am..I think that is just my hour to come here while listening to music and talk and pray...I pray each night before I go to bed usually but when I am in the throwsof being sick and miserable I dont sleep so I come here and talk and do my praying..So today or this morning is not different Lord. As I set here Lord thinking on how I am not sleeping and praying for

That is the question I would like answered Lord but know I am not suppose to ask..I trust you Lord and Love you but why must I go on like this..You have sent me back 3 times and this time Lord whenmy time is up are you ready for me..?

 

All The nights with no sleep Lord is making me weak both physically and mentally but Lord you do not let sleep come so I think there must be wo

Today I got a message here from a very special friend. Who said to me

When you wish upon a star,Makes no Difference who you are, When you wish upon a star, dreams come true.....

Here I was sitting here so depressed and thinking I cant do this anymore..Lord I have fought as long as I can..Then in pops this message..Short sweet and simply to the point..Lord it doesnt make no differenc

There are things in life we do not understand or we cant explain..Lord you know what they are and you know the explanation..Here I set 48 years old and things going wrong all the time..Through out my life I have been thrown lemons and Lord I decided a longtime ago that you just have to take them and make lemonaide..You can set and snivel and moan and groain but Lord does that do any good No it doe

Well God here it is 5:30 am and I am still up...Lord you know I cant sleep for pain..Tonight God you know was hard....I live through so much everyday and think it cant get much worse but Lord you knowit can..My cath. keeps bursting and then I start bleeding badly when trying to get it back in...Lord you know my blood was too thin so I had to have a shot of vitiamin K and you know Lord that will th

Lord here I am at 3 am this is when we seem to get together and go through what all is going on in my life...Lord you know for several nights now I havent slept..I have tried to but sleep just does notcome..Lord I think it is from being lonely..I know i am never truly alone because I have you but Lord I need someone here with me every now and then..Tonight my cath. ruptured and Lord you know the p

Here we go again Lord this is where I come when I just sit and pray and think about all that is going on in my life..Of course you know Lord goes without saying and you know who Viv is but do others know(VIV) Lord..Who is Viv, well let me see Viv is the one who suffers with chronic pain...so bad that meds dont control it and to give any stronger meds would stop my breathing..Viv is the one who suf

Here I am again Lord and of course I am still not asleep..Tonight Lord I have Felt so Disconnected..Not to the people here that connection is stronger than ever and not to you Lord but to this place Earththat I call home. You know I am fighting hard not to give into this but at the same time I know Lord unless you chose to heal me there will not be a rainbow for me at the end of this ride. I will

Lord it is almost 3am and you know I am here to have my nightly chat with you that I usually have each and everynight whether it be on here or in my journal..Lord you know all I have gone thru the past 48 hrs..Kidneys failing and congestive heart failure but God I know you are still in control...You know I have been blessed by so many on here who love me and care for me more than I could have e

I set here at 2a.m. wondering why Lord..???I know I am not suppose to ask and I am usually strong but why kidney failure..? There is so much else wrong with me and so much else that could go wrong now this..I try so hard to be strong but yet right at this moment I feel weak..That is not usually me as most people know..I know Lord if they fail it will just be a matter of time before I enter your

Here I set and it is nearly midnight and I am sitting here thinking even though I have many health problems and am terminally ill I am Thankful. God has blessed me so greatly and I have so little to giveI feel. I feel He lead me to this sight the night before Thanksgiving I thought to just get some help maybe make a friend or two but I am so thankful he lead me here..It has been so much more..I ha

I know I am not alone and so many of you care for me I feel guilty feeling this way but I do..I have to have an aide come in 3 hours a day 5 days a week to keep me going and on the weekend I have to toughit out which I usually do pretty well..I got really sick starting last week thought I was bettter until last night and it all started again...Then to add to the frustration my aide did not show ye

Here it is 6:30 in the morning and I am sitting here knowing I should be asleep but to sick and in to much pain to do so..So I decided what better place to come to know I am not in this alone and evenon days my light does not shine bright all of you hold me up and lift me up in prays and caring and I feel the connection and know even if we are states apart that I am loved and cared about..This mea

Here I am again at nearly 7 am and been up since 2 with a couple of hours because I am so sick..As most of you know I have been fighting this MRSA breakout and all the blisters so I had to go on oralantibioctics to try to stop it before it turned into something worse....because if she cant get it to be inactive not cured for me, it will kill me since it is in my lungs also...Well the blisters a

As I sit here I wonder how I can do anymore? How can I help anyone? Lord give me the strength to be here to give to others what they need and be able to let them know I am not always strong...I have troublewith that...I am glad everyone can not see me typing this as tears are rolling down my cheeks..My body is running out of strength Lord but please dont let my mind run out of it too..I have been

Today I am up at 10 a.m. because I never went to bed or to sleep..I woke up yesterday in the middle of a big outbreak of MRSA on my skin..started the day before under my breast and then went around tomy shoulder blade..It is still growing and quite painful..Then I started running a temp this morning and have a sore throat....I have this but I keep thanking the Lord for what I still have and can st

Today when I got up the pain was tremendous and I did not think I could take it..where i fell the hip was so swollen and there was a big knot that was not there after they but it back in place.....I hadto have xrays and to my disblief my hip is fractured..Oh God I already have trouble with that side so why do I have to have something else and so much more pain....I dont know the answer Lord but I

No matter how hard things may get and the last two weeks they have been hard but I am thankful..I am so Blessed to be able to still have enough fight in me that allows me to get down here every eveningin this wheelchair and set here and talk back and forth to others who has their own set of problems..Our problems might be different but in the eyes of God we are all the same no matter the illness w

I started out here typing this morning at 11 am while waiting on my aide to come and then I came back on at 3 or so..Well here it is 1:16a.m. and here I sit thinking it has been time well spent..Lastnight was horrible...I took a hard fall with my PT person yesterday and landed on my walker..I though I was alright until after I finished writing to all last night I got up out of my wheelchair to

Right now I am sitting here and it is 2 a.m. and most people are in bed but not me..I am in the middle of an out break with MRSA this dreaded thing that ends up making blisters on your skin and some quitelarge boils..This is not the first time and if I live long enought I am sure it will not be the last..It is in my lungs so it will never be cured..I am allergic to the meds so there is no quick fi

This is all over whelming for the past few days here and I am having trouble coping with this and the people that lie and pretend to be something they are not. I am here trying hard to help those thatneed the help and also receive the help and it seems like all there is right now is drama and I do not like drama...I am trying hard to get over these feelings and go on but I guess the hard part is k

Today is the 2nd day of the new year...Here I am sitting here with a migraine and feeling lousy but I am determined that I will not let it ruin my entire day. With all my aliments and health problems I know each moment can be my last so I really try to live each day as if it was my last. I may not get to go out unless it is to the doctor but I thank God everyday that I am able to come on here and