mistakes

well i took the kids to school today came home not wanting to do anything but get some rest since i have been up since 4:00 this morning. when i got home i fed the baby and decided i would go to bed andget some more rest. instead my live in came in and wanted to talk the talk started out decent but quickly moved to im gonna say anything i can to hurt you. i was explaining how i felt about somethings and then he tried to take the conversation over like always. the next thing i know things went sour i felt like he was playing games with me all over again. just 2 days ago he was telling me that he hates me be around him so yesterday i chose to stay away from him he did not seem to like this so that is what started todays "conversation". anyway he started saying things that he knew would hurt me and started his normal let me be me, his double standards, and blaming me for everything. i went on the defensive and told him to get out. i gave him 30 min to get out. of course i do not want him to go i want to work this out so i then told him he could not go. alot of things were said that should not have been said but for some reason i am the only one guilty of this. he then decides he will call his sister so she can document what was going on but of course she was being told things that were not completely true i become the liar, and he never says what he done wrong. they come to the conclusion that i am lying and that i lied on her, we have not talked in over a year from a fall out, anyway i never lied on her. they then say that when i get upset i cant remember the way events went down. which is not true i remember what i say and what i was told. anyone who knows me knows that i have a great memory.  i will admit that some of the things come out that are concerning me about me also emotionally abusing him which i why i come to this site in the first place because i do want to take responsibility for my mistakes and want to fix what can be fixed. but i also came here so i can understand the abuse he is putting me through. i know that we are both to blame and i do not want either one of us taking more blame that what is truly ours. but he does not want to take any blame. he was holding the baby between blow ups he went to take his shirt off and the baby fell out of his lap even though i was not in the room and was not screaming or trying to continue the conversation it was my fault. i can not say or do anything right around him. just like i am taking the blame for what happened between me and his sister. i do not understand why he thinks my feeling are a game. i hurt constantly all over my body and i dont know what to do anymore. i want to die but can not take my own life because i could never put my kids through that. i am tired of hurting. i am tired of life. how can someone love someone as much as i love him and be treated this way.