Sorrow and fear

Hi, i know you are sad and it is natural instinct to want to feel happy or even numb to the pain but this time in your life is one that is very humbling, you must forgive yourself at time where you feelso down, it is ok to, you have this time to reflect and now with the realizations that all begin to be acknowledge fear will step in as a protective element, along with anger at all that has happened and changed in your life. Listen to your heart, it is hurting and you must nurture your pain. Never rush through it, listen and learn from it. There will be many questions that will come up and there may be no answer for some but searching for them will give you insight to the grieving process and not be afraid of it. It is hard, sad, emotional, stressful, exhausting and pushes you to the core but learn to become its companion and you will make it through this.

Hang in there, let me know how you are doing.

My losses all seem like yesterday. First my Brother, he had a toothache and went to dentist, they discovered cancer and sent him to onocologist, he was 42. He had immediate surgery. They removed his tongue and a lot of his jaw bone. He started radiation and that really made him suffer, eventually his lymphatic system shut down, he had a blockage in both side of his jaw and it cause immense edema (swelling) he was distorted at that point. He was at home, set up with feeding machine and on morphine, he crashed a few times but the one that took him was his last. He died on route to hospital.

Dad was destroyed by this, he was very close to my brother, we were a very close family, always had been. Dad had a bad heart and this devistation took hold of him. It was a year later that he died after my brother, heart attack, at work in the middle of winter outside alone. He was on snow removal. They found him and it was already too late. He had his phone in hand and was trying to call my mom but he died.

Sis well, her story is extremely sad and hard even now for me to talk about. She was such a wonderful person but she got into a bad marriage. He left after third child who was born with a prolapsed bowel and had to have emergency op as new born. He remained in hospital for some time and came home with a colostomy, not permanent but because he was so tiny it was on for 8 months then repaird. So he left and she managed the three boys alone for five years. He came back to her when the government was after him for support and sadly she did take him back. From that moment on her life went downhill, he was abusive verbally and at times some physical (pushes, shoves ect.) One day it went to far and he punched her in the face, cops were called and childrens aide, he was arrested but because she was not stable enough emotionally I was given temp custody of boys. The lived here for a while and she continued to go down hill, anorexic, drinking, suicidal. Her life was taken from her and she was unable to deal. It got real bad. Well husband came one day and took boys from our house and they remained with him. Court was tough, she had so much going against her and she lost custody. Boys were his and to visit her but that didnt happen either. She gave up, she lost all will and with all the losses she suffered personaly then with dad and brother she lost hope and theh will to survive. She became so ill, wouldnt see doc, nothing mattered. I had had her many times at hospital but she would slip out. I would get calls that she just did this or that to herself because she wanted to die and end the pain of living. The night before she died i went to her and begged her to let me take her in for help, she said im tired and she had been vomitting for days, dehydrated ect....said she would go first thing in the morning with me. I went to take her and she was gone, she passed away and i found her on the floor, cold and pale, i called 811 but knew it was already to late, she had been gone a while, they made me try cpr and that was so traumatic for me, trying to breath life into her when i knew it was too late.

I got caught up in all this and sorry it is so long. I am currently dealing with my brother inlaw, he suffered a brain aneurysm on Friday and we dont know what is next, its all so much at times so venting is very helpful. Thanks for asking

Take care

Karen