Mishy's Mind

so tired of being told that life will get better eventually. ive been told thid since i was 12. it only got better a little bit. i married a wonderful man, but our situation is horrendous, living at home, cant find jobs. we went on no honeymoon and dont have money for vacations. this has been the story of our loves since we got married. he lost his "good" long term job right before we were married. I started having severe mental heath issues before we got married becaue things from my past were haunting and depressing me. we were engaged for a year then planned the wedding in two weeks,ha! im not good at planning anything. so even on the happiest day of our life he had a cold and i was paranoid. and things didnt get better. nothing gets better for us. my parents are depressed and angry people. yell all the time at each other. im so disgusted, my husband isnt used to living in an environment like this. so he is more depressed too. ohhhh!! i just want a normal life. jobs, a place of our own, a baby....thats would make me happy. but it doesnt seem possible. i hate this city we are living in, so expensive to rent in a decent neighborhood and hardest to find a job without speaking spanish. we just cant learn it. have enough trouble with english. ive tried taking college courses and even used rosetta stone. its just not easy for me, plus my memory is shot. well..im running off track. the only good thing that has happened is him and now i feel like he got cursed from being with me because his job situation has gone to the toilet since he moved down here with me. things need to get better!!!! :( :( :( but they arent. now i had an ectopic pregnancy, which i know my parents would have helped us move out, they said if he gets a job that is secure they would give me some money to help out and it is tight quarters here, so we would have to have a bigger place if we had a baby. but now..i lost it..i thought things were finally working out..we were gonna have a family of our own! then all the blood tests cause my levels were low for the dates and dr. wanted to rule things out..then levels we doubling like normal...then the dreaded day i looked down and there was blood!! and to think i was look at apartments that day. and the last time i looked at apartments he lost his other job. then i still stayed positive..We ended up not going to a baseball game that weekend that my husband Really wanted to go to the new stadium and i wanted to see it too, but i was put on bed rest..kept staying positive "for the baby" but then they tell me..my blood levels dropped a little bit. but not to worry, get them done again, then they went up a little. then the ultrasound and no baby in uterus. but the dr. wasnt sure because i had a huge fibroid mass that could be blocking it. get more blood levels checked and they went up a little more. so i stayed positive again another week. and then blood levels went up a little more. the dr. and nurse was confused and said they werent sure what was happening, that i needed another ultrasound. stayed super positive..levels were up to 6400, but then  i was told that it was ectopic they saw some smudge over my ovaries that they believe was it.
the dr.'s nurse gave me the methotrexate shot and nothing happened,but my tush was sore. However a week later I got REALLY nauseous and started bleeding heavy...blood levels went down a lot. but not enough...so I had to keep going every week, Finally hcg level at 25 they said I didnt need to go back for more. Then I had the dR. APPT. I didnt even know that I might have damaged fllopian tubes, all the reasons for damage didnt apply to me. I never had any STDs and never had abdominal surgery before. bUT THE NEW dR. (i DIDNT like the other one because he didnt give me any info about the shot he gave me and I had side effects and tehre were certain meds I couldnt take) informed me that she would check my tubes with a dye to see if they were ok...I didn't even know that they wouldnt be! uuugghh! Now I'm just waiting for someone to call me back to get the surgery to remove the massive fibroid..When will things get better???!! I've been waiting my whole life for things to get better..for me to be happy. I've spent too many years on prescribed medications and going to therapists and dont believe in either of them anymore! I'm forcing myself to get dressed and go to walmart with hubby now..please dont let me cry!