|Jul 14 2010|
Sometimes I need to talk, but there's no one I want to talk to.
Sometimes I need to share even if no one is listening.
Sometimes, nobody is there.
This is one of those times.
My kids are with their dad. My boyfriend is out of town. It's just me, my puppies, and HGTV. LOL. And, of course, my thoughts. I've had a tough time of it lately. I've been pretty hard on myself. I look at pictures of myself and I think "that pretty girl is long gone". I feel like I used to be pretty. I had so much life. I was happy. Life was wonderful.
Lately life has been less than wonderful. Lately I have been almost happy. Lately I've fallen short of pretty. Lately...life has lost its luster.
No matter where I turn, the answer eludes me. Every choice I make seems to be wrong. Every time I think God is showing me the way, the road is a dead end. I'm frustrated and I'm scared. Sad. Lonely. Hurt.
I've talked until I'm tired of hearing myself. I've prayed. I've cried. I keep telling myself to stay positive. The sun will find me. A phoenix needs to completely burn into ashes before it can be reborn, right? I keep waiting for the embers to finally die out so that I can start again.
I've made poor choices. I've hurt people. But I have also been hurt, stabbed in the back, heartbroken, and let down. I always thought God put me on Earth to take care of others, and that's what I have done. But those I took care of never stopped to think that maybe I needed to be taken care of too. Even when I told them. Even when I begged. They didn't see it until it was too late.
So here I am, alone. I feel so lost. I want to give up.
Of course, giving up is not one of my choices. I don't have the luxury of falling apart. I have a life to live. A job to do. Children to raise. And even though I might feel unimportant, I know that there are still people out there who feel differently.
So I get up every morning. I clean my house. I take care of my children. I do my job the best that I can. And I give love to another...as much love as I am capable of giving. It makes me sad that I know there's so much more love inside me somewhere, but it has shut itself away. It's scared too.
will the walls come down?
will the rain stop?
will I be me again?
didn't you see my tears, hear my words, feel my pain?
I was right there in front of you. Now, I'm gone.
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