Memoir of an Insider

After a whole night of text arguing with Armand i am completely exhausted but cant seem to sleep. While at work I would write him a long 3 page message and he would respond back with minimal responsesor wouldnt respond at all. I was terrified to tell him how i was feeling because i could feel he was getting more upset as i was writing, but i couldnt stop myself i felt i had to tell him he hurt me. I think i have been taking out all my frustrations on him.I have noone else i can vent to or share my ongoings with. I want him to be a loving spontaneous guy, bring me to his friends, brag about me and the wonderful way i make him feel. when i am upset come and hug me even if its him who made me angry.

He is a very secluded person when it comes to emotions. I know he has it in him as he has been like that with ex's of his but he cant seem to be that way with me. I know it bugs him that he cant and it gives me a complex that i am not up to par to what he wants. Why cant i see the good side in myself that he sees? :( 

 My aunt called me tonight and we got talking about my real father and the transcript i read. I truly believe that he is Bipolar and that he blacked out alot when i was growing up. He was a truly amazing man and he was full heart, and he would "hurt" me and hurt others when he blacked out. I am nowhere near condoning what he did, it has scarred me and the others for life.  I know that he was sexually molested and beaten as a child by his father which in turn would have caused an onset of bipolar from the trauma.  Which would explain all the abuse that he doesnt remember doing. But also on the other hand doesnt explain why he has abandoned me maybe its guilt? shouldnt it be up to me if i dont want him in my life?  is it selfish of me for wanting to be the one to push him away?

I did end up hurting myself last night, unplanned tho. I was doing the dishes and got lost in a brain fog as the water was filling. So my both hands were kind of clasped in the faucet checking the temp and i only had hot on. By the time i realized where the water level was my hands were as red as lobsters. Oddly enough i didnt feel the burn during or after i was completely numb from the inside out. 

I am feeling much better at this point of the morning. Me and Armand had a giant fight when he got home after doing overtime. He stormed off to bed and i ran in the other room hysterically crying. He ended up coming in the room and asking me abruptly why i was crying. I was so beside myself i wasnt making much sense and was mumbling words together. He looked so confused and angry that i was making a semi big deal out of this. After talking it out we ended up working through it and have alot more to work on together but i know how he truly feels about me. he loves with every ouce of him and is completely lost when i am not in his life. My insecurities are driving him crazy but i keep getting the feeling that he loves me but isnt in love with me. i let my looks go to the point i dont even see myself anymore in the mirror. my attitude is irritable 24/7 and frightened. how can he still be in love with a train wreck like me?

My sleeping habits are way out of control these last two weeks. I sleep 6 hours here and 6 hours there nothing as a set time. I miss sleeping beside Armand but insomnia deals her icy hand.